Playing Games at Midnight

Starting to date again after falling in love with someone and then breaking up, well it just sucks. I am trying to get out there, trying to meet people, flirt, find some inkling of excitement in the prospect of new people and experiences, at a time when all I want some nights is to curl up into the warm soft space of Type Geek’s shoulder or chest or belly and find myself falling asleep. Big dramatic sigh.

Now, I went out with the Daddy WireFramer whose self-esteem issues had me completely turned off, I had sex with my Internet Skype guy, and I have been chatting with a few others on-line. It’s an interesting array of men, but all have a similar thread, appreciation for food. There is the Pac NW/NYC Foodie, the Real Estate Foodie, the Media Tech Getaway guy, and the Doggie Dad who just seems sweet. He’s older than I usually go, but I’m not expecting to fall in love here, I am trying to give my heart some room so that it can heal itself. This includes distracting myself in moments when I am finding myself reminiscing woefully. Last night I did this by playing a game with two different men, the foodies. The game was a little… Would you…Either/Or?  

The men would ask me 2 questions and I would need to answer 1, then I would ask 2 questions and they would answer 1. The questions ran from mild to naughty, from topical to highly inquisitive. Did it drive me closer to any of them? Not really. It did however bring me closer to sleep, closer to a sheer exhaustion that had me less restless, less consumed by the loss I feel without Type Geek. I miss his voice, his touch, his laugh. I know, he hasn’t been that for a very long time, yet I miss him, and those moments regardless. 

So, at 3:33 am, I find myself gamed out, and ready for sleep. 2 miles from Type Geek but worlds apart. I miss him and getting out there and trying to date only makes me more aware of what I have lost. The games with the other men, they are just that, meaningless games. Maybe someday the games will become more serious and I will find a worthy opponent, even if he isn’t that 5’8″ bald workaholic with an adorable tush and a palate worth creating culinary masterpieces for whom I fell in love with in 2010.

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An Italian Atheist and a non-identifying Jew walk into a Bar…

only the Jew was smart enough to see what was around him and duck, where as the Italian was too focused on himself to realize what hit him across the head.

This weekend could have been a wonderfully relaxing and tender weekend for two people who have had a challenging year, a way to unwind and reconnect. Instead, I’m heading down to NYC for two nights and two days of who knows what with Internet Skype guy. Sex could happen. Sex probably should happen, I deserve that from the universe. Actually, I deserve a full body massage and really good oral sex, then the best 8 hours of sleep ever. That is what I need.

Since my last post, Type Geek has come out with a new plan… utter disrespectful douche. If you insult her character she will no longer come… that is his theory. Although his other theory… if you ignore her, she will no longer cum, was pretty effective as well. I don’t want to get into what he said, but it sent me into such a fit of anger and how dare you’s that I almost walked the three miles to his house and slapped him across the face. In the end, he still wasn’t successful in making me hate him, just succesful in making me feel sorry for him. It’s quite sad at this point, his complete inability to connect to another human. I hope that someday he gets over what his ex did to him and feels more secure in who he is. For his own sake.

So, the chapter is ended. Is the book of Type Geek finished? Life is long, we shall never know. Perhaps I will reconnect in 20 years at an auction of mid century modern furniture… perhaps we are meant to be old together, but first, we need to grow old separately. Perhaps he just needs to grow first.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… There is Bi-Coastal Foodie who is shuttling between Seattle and NYC, a foodie who actually admitted that he thinks I might be the better cook. (umm, of course) There was a photographer that lasted a few days, only to run at me wearing a giant red flag after I didn’t text him by a certain time about a potential cocktail. Key word…. potential, not, scheduled. Finally, there was a gentleman, Shellfish Guy who had hit on me months ago and I had told, that I wasn’t in the place because I was seeing someone else. He has continued to pursue me and I figure, hell, why not. So, that is where I am currently at.

This time around, how will I approach things differently? I’m not sure. This time it is a whole new game. I’m no longer wondering if it is possible for me to connect emotionally to a man, I obviously did. Now, maybe my lesson is that if you can’t be with the one you love, find another, then love the one you’re with. It might not be the same soul wrenching, powerful stuff that makes you JUST KNOW. But, maybe it can still be pretty good.

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Happy? Birthday to Me

My birthday is in a few days, and I am feeling far from celebratory. I felt like I was walking into 35 with much possibility, however, in the last 12 months I have lost 2 businesses, a condo, and a love that was unexpected. I’m walking into the new year in pain, with a visible limp. The weekend was supposed to be spent curled up, naked flesh against naked flesh, my nose in his neck, many hours of sleep,  many hours of making love, and the occasional moment of clothed dining. Instead, I have no plans.

The most solid option for doing something is a trip to NYC, which due to the marital and parental status of the majority of my NYC friends, means a stay with my Internet Skype artist guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has become a solid friend over the last year, we have surpassed our sex Skypes with conversation Skypes. He sent me a Valentine’s Day mix cd to help me get over my painful split and has offered more understanding than many of my other friends. So, what is the dilemma here? Sex. I’m still very much in love with Type Geek and Skype boy knows this. We spoke honestly about his expectations and assumptions and he said that he understands where I am.

So, where am I? Do I fuck him because Type Geek and I hadn’t had sex in so long and I do need to get laid? Who is that fair to? Is that what I really need, casual sex? Will that make me feel better?

Speaking of feeling better, I have a session with a new therapist next Monday. I’m looking forward to having someone I can vent to on a bi-weekly basis. Perhaps then, I will stop venting here.

I hope everyone out there is doing well. My thoughts are with you all.

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