Archive for May, 2010

In case any of you heard that noise last night… it was the chapter of Student Driver & Brooklyn being closed LOUDLY. I have grown tired of the “friendship” on his rules and conditions. A friendship is not based only on one individual’s set of criteria. That isn’t how it works. Especially when the “friendship” exists solely because he reached out to me because he wanted to fuck me. The only time we were truly friends was then, in the moments of his attraction, interest and adoration… once we got naked and almost fucked. Once we got naked and he freaked out because he has only been intimate with one woman and he is scared to death of change and vulnerability, that is when the cards were shuffled and a new deck brought in without my being aware. Our friendship went from a highly emotionally intimate one to one that ranked no higher than that of the conversation you share with casual strangers on the street all within days of getting naked.

I sent him an email last night. I was just emotionally done with the rollercoaster of him wanting to hang out, only he doesn’t, he makes excuses, then telling me how uncomfortable I make him because I’m a sexualized human being and I want more than he can give physically. Umm, been celibate for 4 years, sex isn’t the most important thing in my world. Don’t get me wrong… it’s nice to be getting it again, but I don’t live or die by whether I am having a regular orgasm. Anyway, I digress. So, I sent him an email, asking that he just let me go until he can truly be my friend, until he is able to be present and look me in the eyes again. He has been unable to sit across from me and have coffee or a simple chat in over a month. He can’t look me in the eyes because he can’t hide from me there. The email did NOT attack him.I told him that I loved him deeply, more than I could put into words, more than I could explain, and that while I am not asking for us to end our friendship, I am asking him to not reach out to me until he is through whatever it is he needs to deal with that creates this block with us.

So, what was his reaction to this? Rather than respect it, he texted me asking to talk. He then called me and proceeded to go on the defensive and then attack. He started off by telling me that he hadn’t read it all, and then telling me that I am placing higher standards on our friendship than my others because of my “inflated feelings” for him. (umm, ouch…inflated?). He also implied that I am sitting around and pining for him, that he can’t give that, that he isn’t interested in giving that. I laughed at the pining comment.

IF he and I had a real friendship, the kind he says ours is, he would then know, at least, that I have continued to date and that I am regularly dating two gentlemen now, Type Geek and Cooper Fiennes. He wouldn’t necessarily know that I have had sex with Type Geek, and good sex at that, or that I have made out with Cooper Fiennes by the waterfront at 12:30 on a hot night… but he would at least know that I am dating. So, I am hardly pining. When he implied that I laughed at him. This made him angry and he inquired about what it was I was laughing about. I told him that I have been dating someone for a month whom I am actively sleeping with, so his presumptions are all wrong. Had he actually READ the email, he would have come from the correct place of understanding, rather than doing the exact opposite, instead of respecting me and leaving me at peace, he called me and disrespected and said offensive things to me. Thanks babe.

With that said, I think the saga of Brooklyn and Student Driver might have closed. Do I still love him, of course I do. That will never change. I loved him before I knew what he looked like, before I had met him. He was always a part of my soul, I just wasn’t sure of his physical details.

Now, speaking of Type Geek and Cooper Fiennes… what a weekend! Type Geek and I laid in the sun all afternoon on Saturday, eating a picnic that I threw together the night before. We had white anchovies, canned rainbow trout, falafel chips, falafel balls, kalamata olive hummus, garlic lemon hummus, lamb sautéed in smoked spanish paprika, a middle eastern quinoa salad, almond macaroons, goat cheese, rolls for him and a salad of arugula, fresh local strawberries, pineapple sage candied nuts, feta, and lemon vinaigrette. T’was very very good. As was the iced coffee that resulted in a port-a-potty run. Reminder, don’t over-consume diuretic style beverages at an outdoor festival with 20k people in attendance… portable johns are DISGUSTING. After we ate, we packed it all away and alternated between laying on each other and the dog while listening to the music from the nearby stage. At one point he had both my head and the dog sitting fully on his lap. The people watching was superb. We faced the water for the majority of our time there, people were sailing, kayaking and rowing. Some were stoned, one couple was evidently on meth and cruising along erratically in their canoe, another poor lady kept flipping herself and was unable to get back in her kayak. After 10 minutes of watching her, it felt embarrassing. We felt sorry for her. Overall, it was a great festival, UNTIL Type Geek spoke to the freak. Apparently he has a freak magnet, as this drunk guy decided he was our new best friend and kept trying to pet my dog who found his intoxication very unnerving. She was so uncomfortable that I had to physically restrain him at one point from touching her any longer. THIS is finally what harshed our mellow and made us decide to get some wine and sit on his porch.

The wine, good. The porch, nice. The remaining snacks, excellent. The hot and heavy make out that occurred on his office chair… holy hotness! We were dealing with dog issues. My dog had never been to his house, had never met his cat. His cat had never met a dog. So, we kept the dog in the office with us, until it came to the point of turning the make out session up a notch to getting laid. We looked at eachother and started to mull it about and I could see that all the thinking was killing the mood, so I just opened the door and allowed the dog access to the entire apartment. Type Geek was very concerned but in the end, other than whining every few hours because we had locked the dog out of the bedroom while we fucked, it was uneventful.

Speaking of fucking…. the SKYN condoms ROCK!!! A little too much in fact. Do expect that your partner may come VERY quickly the first go round, if they are only used to latex. There is a lot of natural feeling with these things. The second go around was better, we both knew what to expect with them and were able to gauge what was going on so that it wasn’t a quickie when we wanted something more drawn out.

The next morning we woke to the dog cuddling beside us. She had crawled under the chair that was blocking the doorway and up into bed. The dog on my left, Type Geek beside me and his cat on his right, under the covers and by his feet. Everyone naked, snoozing and at peace. No bloody dog or hissing cat. Fabulous!

I left after some coffee so that he could get some work done. The pup and I headed to the local grocery shop for some ready-made sushi, aka lunch, and were strolling to the train when Cooper Fiennes texted me. He lives close to Type Geek and was headed into the city, so we decided to meet up and travel in together. Charming as ever, we spent an hour walking around in the sun and then smooched by the station as I headed home.

Overall, an excellent weekend. Hardly what I would call pining behaviour. 

Tuesday posts are web-syndicated by www.thenewgay.net

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Why do I find it obnoxious and trite if an american gives me a red rose, or any rose for that matter, however, if a european does it, suddenly it’s charming?! Cooper Fiennes was running a few minutes late so he showed up with a single red rose for me. Normally that would induce gag reflex, but from him, it seems sweet and endearing. Did I mention how hot he is? Damn, he is SO hot. However, I digress….

We had two hours to kill before our film, so we wandered over to a local restaurant and had some sangria. He isn’t too fond of sangria it appears, where as it is one of three quintessential summer drinks in my world. Because you are wondering, these are: Mojitos, Sangria and Prosecco. He said that, in Spain, sangria is a cheap drink that young people drink. Obviously he has never had my top shelf sangria that breaks the bank, and any inhibitions one might have had at drink #1. Conversation flows rather easily with him; educated but highbrow, indie without being hipster. He makes me laugh without trying. I enjoy that ease.

At 9, we wandered over to the cinema. I abandoned him at the ticket window to choose the film, as I picked up some overpriced Dasani from the refreshment station. $4 for a $1 bottle of water?! Eeek. After entering our particular theatre, we joked about the abundance of people. In truth, there were 2 couples in the entire showing. Us and Them. This city is a sad excuse for what a city wants to be. Sigh. The previews were great, a new film coming soon by Jean-Pierre Jeunet plus a hysterical film with Julianne Moore and Annette Benning as a long married lesbian couple. During the previews we would occasionally whisper something, but mainly we watched the screen. I wondered if he would try to touch me, he didn’t. Is he truly attracted to me or politely attracted to me because I am present and he is looking for a way to fill the time? One can never tell with short-term residents. Once the movie started we focused forward with but only a few comments here and there. Films are always hard dates, you lose touch of someone during that time. Rather than connecting, you are disconnecting. I don’t usually pick cinema dates at the beginning, however, it was his request.

After the movie ended I found that I had a little over an hour before the last train. Why leave early when you can stare at and chat up such a handsome and charmingly sweet man for another hour?! We wandered into a local bar and ordered a couple of cocktails. Mine, as per usual, being more interesting than my dates. I had an old-fashioned made with aged rum, while Cooper Fiennes had, essentially, a screwdriver. Simple, classic, and unexpectedly boring. I guess that when you look like that, sound like that, and are, well… that, you can drink a vodka and oj. The bartender was awesome and he spent some time chatting with us before I realized, hmm, I think my train leaves in 10 minutes. The bartender corrected me, the train leaves in 3 minutes. Oh SHIT. Cooper Fiennes paid the tab and we rushed out the door, a moment of panic as the train station gates were locked. A breath of relief as we realized it was for the opposite direction that I was headed. Fingers crossed and breath held as we crossed the street to the other station egress. Please Please Please… the gates were just about to close as I walked up. I turned to him, grabbed him and gave him the worlds fastest kiss, I then ran down the stairs and, over my shoulder, gave a sad eyed “SORRY” as I vanished behind the gates and onto the train.

I then texted him as I was sitting on the train, ” I just JUST made it! Kiss me again…soon. Please. 😉 ” He responded that he had a wonderful night, the last 5 seconds being the best part, albeit too short and that he would be kissing me again…soon. NICE! I guess the answer is leaning more towards his actually being attracted to me. Excellent. I rode the rest of the way with a funny smirk and then felt really naughty as I realized that in less than 24 hours, I will have had a date with Cooper Fiennes, have had lunch with Brooklyn and will be having coffee with Type Geek afterwards, as he is working from home, 3 blocks from where Brooklyn and I are having lunch. Wow, either I am a Lifetime movie in the making or an episode of Sex and the City. Who would have thought 10 years ago, that this would be me?

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My ex broke up with her girlfriend…AGAIN. Hopefully it sticks this time. The relationship is volatile and dangerous. If everything that has happened now, isn’t sufficient reason to leave, it will take one of them in the hospital and/or jail in order to finally end this relationship. So, she called me after picking up her things from the other woman’s apartment and was headed home when I suggested that I buy her and her mother lunch, someplace cheap, so that they could just decompress and potentially have a few laughs, rather than wallowing in a bad place. She agreed.

We met halfway between where I was with my dog and a client and the, now, ex-girlfriend’s apartment. A Panera Bread cafe. They have this apple chicken salad I LOVE. Her mom had a ham and swiss on rye and my ex, she had the tomato soup…and picked at it, as she picks at all her food. We were sitting there listening to her dissect, again and again, this girlfriend and the actions that led up to this moment. It’s exhausting after a while. All you can do is be supportive, but sometimes, that is difficult when they can’t be supportive of themselves. It feels like a losing battle.

I realized as we sat there that there was a sex shop around the corner. Hmm, I need condoms. I have the Kimono Large because the guy I was hoping to be with when I bought them was jewish and a bit girthy than average. Type Geek is not jewish so the large would be wrong. After we finished our lunch, my ex and I wandered over while her mom sat in her car. Her mom was a little embarrassed. We walked in and she went off and pouted, looking around and thinking of her now ex. I stood staring at the condoms. So foreign to me after 12 years with women. I had hoped to get some regulars but they didn’t have the extra thin regular Kimonos. Hmmpf. I ended up picking up a couple Skyns and some Avanti Bares. The Polyisophrene material is supposedly far superior to latex in terms of heat transfer and feeling, both for the wearer and the receiver. We shall see. I also picked up some Sliquid lube, as I was told the Skyns can sometimes dry out quickly without additional assistance. Not good and good to know!

Perhaps I will get a chance to try them out on Saturday evening AND Sunday morning. One never does know what the world shall bring. Type Geek and I have that date with the dog and an outdoor music festival on Saturday afternoon. Sun and grass can be quite good for the libido, especially if I figure out how to wear something that isn’t suggestive but is. Hmm, demure sundress sans panties? All I know is this… I have been thinking of having sex on Type Geek’s kitchen table for days. Why? I am not sure, but surely, this would be quite fun. That is a small goal for this coming weekend.

The rest of the week is shaping up to be post worthy. Cooper Fiennes and I are grabbing a cocktail and a trip to the cinema tonight, and Brooklyn wants a dog free lunch meet up on Thursday. How will this be? I haven’t seen him in over a month I think. I have been able to subdue my feelings for him, compartmentalized them in a way that is safe and allows me to exist without constant thoughts. I miss him, yes. I miss that connection. I can’t continue as we have been however, I can’t continue being disregarded. I’m not sure what is going to come out in our conversation over lunch, if we make it to lunch. I might find him too frustrating to be around and just walk away. Perhaps, this is what needs to happen.

Sweet, sweet “hump day”, the week is at mid-point, but there are still so many stories that need to be told, adventures to go on, life to be lived, before the week cycles into the next. I can’t sleep with the Spaniard. Not yet. That would be too many men in 7 days. I do want some kisses against a wall and in the rain though. How hot would that be? Mmmm, yeah. Super hot.

So, what are your experiences out there with all the different types of condoms? Informal survey… comment with your most favorites, least favorites, what ones broke (the horror), what ones made you thing a steel drum around your cock would have given more sensation?! Inquiring minds, we want to know!

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What an interesting week I had! I got laid 3 times, in 4 days… by two different men. One, uber needy and slighty stalkeresque. The other, unexpectedly fabulous. But again, wow, no sex for MONTHS…and then 2 men in 4 days. I feel so… dirty, no. Naughty? No. Hmm, what is that word? Oh, relieved. Ha! YES, that IS what I feel.

In a week so much has changed though. Mr. Lawyer McBratty, whom I slept with on Wednesday night and whose bedroom skills fell into the category of pleasant mediocrity, was just TOO much to bear in terms of personality flaws. He began systematically insulting everything I was passionate about if he didn’t understand it or like it. From my musical tastes to my spiritual and philosophical leanings to my relationships with animals. He said that I was intelligent with good common sense, so why was I being irrational in my interests? He was being argumentative in order to make my arguments more precise, he explained. Oh, I thought it was to ensure that he would never get laid again. Needless to say, but, he is completely out of the picture in only 6 days!

Type Geek has won himself the gift of regular sex after taking a surprise turn from shy non move maker to my new oral sex rock god. Can we all say hallelujah?! All hail the man who can get me to curl up in a ball and break into hysterics. (Does anyone else out there laugh hysterically when they cum? Am I an anomaly?)

Now, the bookends. In my weekend post I mentioned having chatted up a hot McHotty from Spain on the dating site and arranging to have coffee with him on Saturday afternoon, prior to my date with Type Geek. The hottie, in person, was even hotter than he was in virtual 2-d. Yes, I keep saying hot. A mix of Bradley Cooper and Ralph Fiennes, I nicknamed him Cooper Fiennes. We had a great few hours together on Saturday. Very easy to spend time with him.

My date with Type Geek spanned the Saturday evening into Sunday early afternoon. Evening and morning sex, multiple meals, and lots of time spent naked in bed. An excellent pinnacle to the weekend. I spent a few hours at home on Sunday, wrote a post for this blog, showered, ate a real meal and then I received an email from Cooper Fiennes. He was in the city with his childhood best friend, a man visiting from Spain. If I was in the city, would I like to meet up with them for coffee? The dog and I decided that coffee was a great idea, if it meant strolling around with a dangerously handsome man who finds me attractive.

His friend was a darling man. I bought all of us coffee and we sat in the sun with my dog. The boys even took turns walking her, something they found entertaining because of her inherent youthful exuberance. When she and I walked them to the train and said our ciao’s, she whined frantically as they ascended the escalators to the platform. They had made quite the impression on my little girl. It was a nice end to a very fun, very sexy weekend. Great sex bookended by coffee with a gorgeous foreigner. Yes, please.

Now, the new week has begun. It has already begun to fall into place. I had a re-exam by my dentist, you may remember him as the youngster who likes rough sex… but later admitted that it was only because he was trying to emotionally protect himself. He is a doll…and now, he is my dentist. He graduates in a few short weeks and will be moving to Minnesota sadly, so, we have three appointments this week in order to ensure he has completed all my fillings prior to his getting signed off and cleared for diploma. In addition to that, I was going to go to NYC to see my Virtual Sex Guru pal present an art piece he has been working on, however, things fell apart at the 10 o’clock hour. With a sudden free evening, Cooper Fiennes has stepped up for a night of cocktails and the cinema. Saturday is an outdoor music festival with Type Geek and my pooch, with a high potential for naughtiness later that evening. The topper of the week, however, is this. Guess who started texting the hell out of me this afternoon? Guess who really wants to see me and have lunch. Guess who might need to wait til next week. If you said Brooklyn, you would be correct. My feelings for him have not changed, however, until HIS ability to process and respectively assimilate his feelings for me into his life, in a way other than how he has been doing it the last couple of months, I refuse to jump through hoops and make myself available at his whim. I will not contort my reality in order to fit him in. It’s not my job.

Sigh. I think this may be a very interesting summer. A hot summer fling with a divorced Spanish man who is unnecessarily good-looking, regular naughtiness with an ocd designer, and the myriad of other men who may happen upon my lap, or I upon theirs, in the coming months. May we all have some adventures worth talking about.

Tuesday posts are web syndicated by www.thenewgay.net

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The last few days have been rather interesting. If you have been reading chronologically, you already know that I finally got laid. Well, Mr. Bratty McLawyer is worse than any goddamn lesbian I ever dated. We had sex Wednesday night, Thursday I had errands and at one point he texted me and asked what I was doing, I explained that I was at a specialty grocery store. Now, just because this store is in his neighborhood, does NOT mean he should come and surprise me. Maybe he was so enamored by our mutual lack of orgasms that he needed to see me again, less than 12 hours from when he dropped me off at my home. So, he surprised me by turning a corner and appearing. Cute-ish, I guess. Now, the next day, I spent several hours consoling my ex girlfriend who is in an AWFUL relationship. After such an exhausting conversation with her there was a great need for a relaxing bath and the huge macaroon I had bought the night before. Stripped down, I stepped in. Within 45 seconds of settling into the tub and shoving a huge piece of the macaroon into my mouth, a text message came through.  Bratty McL was checking in, wondering what I was doing. Just stepped into a nice relaxing hot bath I replied. What are YOU doing, I asked back. His response aggravated the living hell out of me. “About to join you in the bath” he replied. Umm, wtf? Huh? THEN my buzzer rang. Are you fucking kidding me? Who comes over without an invitation?! I ended up getting out of the tub, dressing, and walking over to a local bar for a cocktail. Now, aside from the fact that he showed up uninvited, and pulled me from a relaxing soak, when the bill came, he had me chip in for my one cocktail.  Hmm, you think you might be able to buy me an $8 cocktail when you inconvenience me? Maybe? Grrr. Finally I get to go home…alone. Hours late, and not in the mood, he shows up on-line and starts instant messaging me. I had considered going out to a huge arts event that night, but after feeling run down and bombarded by other peoples psychic drama, the idea of a large group of strangers was less than appealing. I was bored though, so I strolled the online sites and found a deadly handsome man, who had just relocated from Barcelona, to chat with. He looked like a cross between Bradley Cooper and Ralph Fiennes and was utterly charming. As Mr. Cooper Fiennes and I were discussing meeting up the following day, I was trying to end my chat with Bratty McLawyer. I told him I was going to bed, he then asked to call me, so that he could say hear me say goodnight. Ugh, GAG. I told him that my phone was charging in the other room and that I was unable to call him at the moment, so a virtual goodnight would have to do. I could hear his whining tone in the way he typed his disappointed, “fine, okay, goodnight then.”  He is needy AND annoying. The self-righteous and condescending attitude hasn’t disappeared. After knowing that I love trip hop AND that I have numerous friends who are DJ’s, he suggested that surely I don’t really like DJ’s, since I appreciate serious musicians like Pat Methany? I must be joking.  Ok, now you must go away. Really?! So, electronic music ISN’T music now?! Really? Goodnight Bratty.

The next day I had an appointment across the river. I texted Cooper Fiennes to let him know that I would be out of my meeting by 2:30, if he was interested in grabbing a coffee then. The weather was amazing and the idea of great conversation on a patio with an attractive man was splendid. We met outside Starbucks. First impression in person… even sexier than he looks on-line. He is working in medicine, plays music, has great taste in music, including electronic acts, is stunning…with the type of bone structure that takes your breath away. So HOT. Always a pleasant surprise when the date is hotter than their pictures, especially when their pics are already pretty goddamn good! We walked around, laughed, talked music, talked business…both his and mine, talked art and his soon to be ex-wife. Amicable split, still good friends. Is he looking for love? Not particularly. He is in town for a residency fellowship and, in 6 months, he may move back to Spain. Hot summer fling with a sexy guy from Barcelona until then? Why the hell not?! We spent 4 hours together and I suddenly realized it was 6 pm. I was supposed to be back in the same neighborhood at 8 for my drinks and movie with Type Geek. I had to get home, wax, walk and feed the dog, change and get back to the same place I was at that very moment…in 2 hours. I bid adieu to Cooper Fiennes and hustled home.

I realized upon arriving home that not only did I NOT have enough time to wax, but that even if I did… my skin wouldn’t be relaxed anytime that evening. So, my “Just in case we end up making out hot and heavy” wax turned into a bathtub soak and …shudder…. shave. EEEK. I made it out the door and back to meet Type Geek around 8:15. Not too bad! Now, Type Geek has been rather shy with me. Interested, I have presumed, but shy. Not very physically aggressive. Granted, I haven’t been fully falling at his feet, but I have been leaving him openings. On our last date, I finally kissed him. I then told him that he didn’t need to wait for me to kiss him next time. He promised he wouldn’t. So, I was curious what would happen this evening.

He popped the wine and began making some snacks for us. We sat and chatted at the kitchen table, drinking wine, listening to music, occasionally googling something that came up in conversation…but never discussing the movie. I touched his arm or back or chest or head…several times, no moves. Sigh. Ok. FINE. Hours ticked by. We scrolled his iTunes library and laughed at some of the old school tunes he had, like stuff from Anthrax, whom I loved as a teenager. I’m standing 5 inches away from him. Is he just interested in me as a friend? If so, that’s fine… but what is going on here? At 1:5o am, roughly 5.5 hours since he picked me up at the train, I consider that all hope is lost. I resign myself to this. We joke about his unmanly amounts of shoes and he tells me of a pair that are so ghastly, his friends ridiculed him the only 2 times he wore them, so now, they live in the closet. I asked to see them and he retreated to the bedroom closet to find them. A minute goes by and I followed after. I climbed onto the bed and started petting his cat while he dug out the shoes. When they appeared, I agreed with the response of his friends. Just then, his cat runs off. I stay sprawled out on the bed. I am tired and the bed is really cozy… there is not incentive to leave. We keep chatting and then he begins picking cat hair off my shirt. In my mind I think, yeah, friends. He is picking cat hair off my shirt…not kissing me and here I am laying on his bed. 5 minutes of cat hair picking and he finally decides to kiss me. Bravo Type Geek!

He doesn’t stop at kissing me though… and I decide to go with it. He’s a really nice guy and a great kisser so I decide to ignore the physical road blocks I do have and just enjoy whatever is going to happen. Is he shooting for 2nd or 3rd base tonight? Within a half hour, I am mostly nude. Within an hour, I am singing the praises of all the great things he can do with his mouth and within an hour and a half… I am having sex again. Whoa. nothing for 6 months and then….2 men in 4 days?! EEEK! Ok, feeling a LITTLE trashy, but I will get over it. Especially since McBratty Lawyer is NOT getting anymore sex from me. The sun is coming up when we finish and we sleep for a few hours. His cat wakes me up by burrowing into the back of my thighs and overheating me from the sheer amount of warmth coming off its furry little body. Half awake but sleepy, I shuffle away from the cat and cozied into Type Geek’s chest, absent-mindedly petting his bare skin with my free hand as I laid there. Eventually the petting became mutual, and less absent-minded. After 2 hours of lazy but intense foreplay we went for a 2nd go around. Sunday morning sex truly is great, not having to get up and be anywhere, laying in bed naked for hours afterwards… what a relaxing way to spend a morning. We finally gave in and got out of bed. I needed to get home to my pooch and we both desperately needed some coffee so we got dressed, ran to the Whole Foods, grabbed some coffee and then he gave me a ride home before venturing out for his afternoon bike ride with friends.

I honestly did not think that Type Geek would come through last night. I especially did NOT think he would venture towards sex, since we hadn’t even had a hot and heavy frustrating make out session yet. Above both of those however, I had never considered that HE would be so good in bed or that I would go to bed with him since there were a couple things I was on the fence about with him. Well, damn, if you can push my buttons and get me to curl up in a ball and laugh out loud, you have done a fine job. Type Geek had me laughing my ass off. He done good.

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I don’t talk to people on the phone prior to meeting them. I know this sounds odd. There are a number of reasons for this though. First, you can’t see someone’s face, so you may not be able to pick up subtleties in the conversation. Second, some people are poor telephone conversationalists but GREAT in person. It isn’t fair to make the telephone conversation your first impression of them. Third, and last, IF the conversation flows, a false sense of intimacy can occur. So, I like to meet for coffee as soon as possible and see if investing in awkward conversations on the telephone are worth the hassle. No spark, no need, right?

Well, Mr Bratty McLawyer turned IT Guy, or Bratty McLaw, as I will call him, insisted that I call him. UGH, FINE! He was cute and charming in his messages and his profiles, so I figured I would go ahead and break that one rule. I wanted to hang up on him after talking to him for an hour. I was finding him to be egotistical, self-centered, arrogant, insulting, condescending and rude. It didn’t seem like the man who had been corresponding with me, so I spoke up and gave him a bit of a verbal smack down and, after being stunned silent, he apologized for how he came off and changed course to try to resurrect the conversation, if possible. We spent 10 hours on the phone. The sun came up and I said good-bye to him and hung up as I locked the door behind me and headed to work. It wasn’t an amazingly passionate conversation. It wasn’t even that we connected in some deep sense. The conversations pale in comparison to the things said in my shared silences when I was with Brooklyn, however, he was interested and charming, so I kept talking. I am far too old for a night without sleep these days.

I came home from work and took a few hours nap, and began some laundry. It was chilly out however and I really wanted to get out and have a cocktail by a fireplace somewhere. My other possibilities were not available, so I texted Bratty McLaw and asked if he wanted to have a drink in a few hours. He eagerly confirmed and we agreed to meet in 2 hours.

Shower, run to laundromat, move clothes to dryer, run home, apply make up and finish getting dressed, run to laundromat and grab dry clothes, run home and drop off, walk dog, grab purse, catch bus to subway, subway to taxi and drive by as he is walking down the street thinking he will meet me at the train station. Umm, I said I would meet you at the bar silly boy. Geez. Luckily I saw him and was able to get the cab driver to pull over and let me out early. I rang him on the phone and proceeded to direct him in my direction. There was a humourous moment of voyeurism that I found myself stuck in as I was able to pull his strings and move him without his knowledge as to where I was or how I was able to see him so clearly when he didn’t see me anywhere.

He was cute in person. Not breathtaking, but attractive. Softer facial features than the photos in his profile implied. We decided, as we stood on the street, that my original location choice for a rendezvous wasn’t actually what either of us were feeling. So, we opted to walk to his car and drive over to a different bar. Chemistry, mmm, ish. 6′ 2″, blonde, fit but not gym rat like, comfortable smile, arty glasses, and just enough vanity to be self-confident in person. I was honestly worried that he would be the schmuck I was thinking he might be when we first started chatting the night earlier. This person though, it wasn’t there. Perhaps it was nervousness that led him to project the persona of douche bag shithead, but luckily, whatever it was, it was nowhere in sight when we were in person.

We arrived at the second bar around 10 pm. It was dead. Which, honestly, was quite fine. We sat at a high top and each ordered a glass of wine. He was snackie, so we also had some spinach artichoke dip. Conversation was friendly. By the second glass of wine, he was reaching for my hand and stroking my arm. By the 3rd, he was kissing me. Did the kisses overwhelm me and leave me speechless? No, but they were quite good. His kissing style is similar to mine and it felt nice. We decided to go back to his place and make out a bit more. My dog could easily do an 8 hour span of time between potty breaks, and since it was midnight at this point, she was probably sleeping anyway and wouldn’t miss me for a few more hours, at least.

We drove back to his place and I took off my heels as we walked up to his apartment. Heels on wood stairs in these old multi unit buildings, well, I would have woken everyone in the building. He made me sit on the stair outside his unit while he took 5 minutes to tidy up. I chuckled. Knowing the current condition of my own residence, there is virtually nothing, short of live creatures roaming about, that would offend me. I live in a cluttered construction zone, bring on your mess… I can trump it right now buddy.

A few minutes later he comes out and ushers me in quietly. His roommate is sleeping on the other end of the unit so we need to be self-aware of voices and laughter. So, why put on Colbert and Jon Stewart if you don’t want me to laugh out loud?! The laughing didn’t last long however, as he made his move within 5 minutes of us sitting on the couch together. My rule for the night…. sadly overdue for a wax… I look like a hippy body hair loving freak… hands stay out of the pants and they stay on.

An hour of making out on the couch can kill any back, so, logically we move to the sleep number bed. We play with the settings, laugh some more amidst some occasional shhhh’s from the each of us to the other. So, the shirts end up off. Of course they do. Then, even though I say…warning will robinson…danger danger… furry wildebeast…stay away from the Northern region… I end up with his hand down my pants. He said that he would take note of my objection and embarrassment and keep in mind that au naturale is not my current state… and then he peeled the jeans completely off. Oh oy vey. This is not leading anywhere good, is it?

Well, leading anywhere good? Hmm, well, after a lot of frustrating teenage grinding in our undies… I stopped him and stated what we both knew. Let’s just admit that we are going to have sex and rather than keep up with this silliness under the ruse that we aren’t going to…. go get the goddamn condoms now. So, student driver finally got laid. Was in earth shattering? No. Did it need to be? No. Was he a sweet and kind lover? Yes. It was comfortable, even though I was furry as all get out and embarrassed by that. We were both exhausted from the previous nights marathon conversation and our lack of sleep, so neither of us got off in the end, but it felt great regardless. The sun was coming up as we finally disengaged and gave up on a definable finish line. We set the alarm for 3 hours, so we could get a little sleep, and then readjusted our personal sleep numbers for our individualized snoozing comfort.

The dog? She was asleep on the bed when I walked in the door at 8:45 am. She hadn’t noticed that I hadn’t come home that night, in fact, she seemed quite pleased to have the bed entirely to herself.

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This isn’t as insidious as it sounds. We are NOT talking Wakamezake, Yeastiality, Nyotaimori, Sitophila or even basic fruit or vegetable fetishism here. I use the title as a way to explain how one looks at food when on a liquid dietary cleanse. Food itself becomes an untouchable tease. I found myself looking at cookbooks and the “kitchn”, a sub blog of  http://www.apartmenttherapy.com . I found my flirtations with the men I was meeting online to be food focused. We talked food into each other’s virtual ears like some people talk dirty as foreplay. The things we would do with respective organs and orifices was replaced with what spices belonged in a Moroccan quinoa salad or the perfect lamb preparation. Whispers of dessert were almost too much for us to handle, so we hinted at dried fruits, rice puddings, carrot cakes with cream cheese frostings and the perfect apple pies. It was good to eat again. Like cumming off my 4 year celibacy, feeling the texture, smelling the aromas and tasting the fruit, the buttered toast, the flaky oven roasted cod, as they came across each taste bud. Mmmm, the Master Cleanse allows you to reestablish your relationship with food in a way that is more respectful and mindful. Food is sensual. Food should be sensual. Not fast, tasteless, and cheap, like a bad date with a low rent prostitute. Sigh. It’s nice to eat again.

So, I have a date with Type Geek this week, Frenchie has officially finished his paper and we should be rescheduling our rain check for an upcoming day, and a new couple of contacts are on the horizon as well… Political Satirist guy and Art Gallerist guy. The fascinating this is ALL of these men are foodies. While Brooklyn loves my food, he isn’t at all a foodie. In fact, he does admit an occasional fast food indulgence, but usually he has the typical suburban family meal. While, two of the four other men are also divorced dads, they have had a more diverse relationship with food over their lifetimes. It will be interesting to get into these other men’s ahem…. kitchens and see what they can do. I like to see how a man handles his culinary tools.

Tuesday posts are web-syndicated by http://www.thenewgay.net

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