Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

I’ve never been as lonely as I have in those moments when I am missing him.
When I am seeking his voice on a day when 5 seconds on the telephone would make weeks of grey clouds clear.
When I hear people, celebrating, or just gathering together as friends on their decks on hot summer nights, and I can’t reach him, this is when I feel alone.

I’m in a moment of questioning. I have big answers now, but they don’t seem to make the questions fewer. I want the answer from the universe. Why? Why did you put us together, Type Geek and I? Am I supposed to teach him something, or visa versa? Give me the lesson plan already! Let me skip to the last chapter and see what the outcome is. I don’t even know what chapter I am in. I feel like I am living a slow French film, without the gratuitous sex. Like a French film, it will probably end abruptly, with no explanation and everyone in the audience will be left scratching their heads and looking to each other for understanding.

Read Full Post »

In the last few days several things have become clearer to me. Type Geek and I haven’t spoken in-depth. We haven’t spoken on the phone. Barely any text messages, elusive, side stepping, unforgiving. I think I am the warm body to shoo away his loneliness. I think I am the distraction from the cold, from the empty, from the thoughts that keep him awake. I think he is still chasing the lustful dangerous idea of feverish love, love so hot it burns you, but never reaches inside. I think he is afraid to be seen. While I am afraid of not seeing. As a photographer, I sit and stare. I soak in. I see everyone and everything. One of the greatest gifts I have to offer is my sight. If only he could see that and stand before me, let me see what I already know. Let him feel what I see. Let him know that he is loved.

Read Full Post »

Hulu might just be the most terribly boring way to spend a Christmas. In this case, boring is good. No family drama, no expectations, no obsessive niceties, and no regrets of things that should have or could have been said or done. I had planned to get together with the Jewish dad either yesterday or today, however, I suddenly found myself feeling extremely introverted and anti-social. I am also feeling guilty, or at least, my astrology.com daily love tarot reading  is making me feel like an asshole. I have received the same identical reading in my email for weeks. King of Pentacles. Eeek. This is what it says:

 “The King of Pentacles card suggests that when it comes to your relationship or love life, there can be too much of a good thing, particularly if you fall into the trap of showing off. Like an all-you-can-eat buffet, where what you want is quantity, the situation changes or disappears once the want has been sated. But in matters of the heart, do what you believe, which, like a banquet, is all about quality. Tend to what you need, consider those who rely on you for support and practice gratitude. You may find that you are surrounded by a cornucopia of abundance and in a position to share this bounty with others. The more you give, the less you will suffer want in the first place. Get back to basics and make a clean sweep of those things that are cluttering up your love life or distracting you from true commitment and sensual pleasure.”

Ok, so this blog is bad karma? Am I dooming myself because of it? Oh geez, as if I needed ANOTHER existential dilemma in my life. So, in my moments of reflection today, in between my bouts of cursing at my email, I thought about what I have been doing. I have not been going out with anyone I didn’t find genuinely interesting and attractive or potentially attractive. My interest has begun to wain in some of them, when you don’t meet right away, the initial excitement can wear down and it can begin to feel like scheduling a dental appointment. The sites have been quiet, no new members that are peeking my interest at the moment.

The hickie guy was nice, he wants to go out again, but I don’t know, I’m just not really there. I think it was a really fun couple of dates but ultimately I have to ask myself if I find the nightly quest for a gig to watch my idea of fun. I don’t. Plus, he’s cute but the thought of him doesn’t excite me. It should, right? Farmer guy? Really nice and funny and attractive but Jesus Christ man, I can’t wait forever for someone to decide whether they want to make a move. He is reminding me of this artist/musician whom I had a crush on for almost a year when I was 17. I met this guy at a pledge drive for a community radio station I used to volunteer at and thought he was the cutest thing. He had these crazy curls on his head and was covered with potters dust and clay, as he must have just come from his studio to the station. I was friends with him and his then girlfriend for about 6 months and then lost track of them both. One night I ran into him at one of the dance clubs I frequented. We went for a walk and were catching up and then sat down on the tracks behind the club. Eventually, he made the move to kiss me. It was the single worst kiss of my entire life. I honestly mopped my face off after and got up and, if my memory serves me correctly, never spoke to him again. It really was THAT bad. So, you see, now I fear that if farmer were to try to kiss me… it would be like those train tracks. Where else does that leave me? The one I want to go back out with but that is “overwhelmed” with life at the moment. So, I have stayed away all week until a nice short Merry Christmas email today and of course the New Year’s Eve invite he will receive tomorrow. If this was a romantic comedy… he would go out with me again. I am attractive, quirky, intelligent, regretful for being wacky, I know how to kiss and I am all about climbing on top of him and kissing him again. I have not heard back from him regarding the email, however with it being Christmas day, I was not assuming that I would, however I do hope that I hear something by Sunday regarding the invite, once he receives it. I am not looking for some great love from this. I find it difficult to find strong physical connections with anyone so this is my reason for wanting to spend time with him again. It feels good to have the body be so alive after such a long silence. Also, did I mention the smile on that man. Kills me.

So, what am I dealing with here? I guess the same thing as everyone out there, except I am blogging about it. Of course, not everyone has just changed sexual orientations to see what else might be out there. Fundamentally I think we are all dealing with the same dilemmas though. Attraction, expectations, loneliness, fear, excitement, regrets, concerns, what if’s, only if’s, could have been’s… and hope. We all have hope, right?

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: