Mojo is finicky. It comes when it wants to, without warning or cause. It leaves just as suddenly. In the last 5 days I have had people comment on how something looks different, a cloud looks lifted, an energy that was reinvigorated. Everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I understand. A colleague of mine made a half joke that she reads the blog in order to see what my mood will be when she sees me, so that she can decide how to be the friend I need that day. She has trepidations, at best, about Type Geek and what transpired last week. I remain cautiously optimistic, yet realistic. I have not heard from him yet, however I had stated early after the incident that I suspected I wouldn’t hear from him until Monday, at the earliest. With his brother’s health struggles and current family drama including a great-niece who is due to be born any day, I assumed that his weekend would be spent with his family in the suburbs. Meanwhile, my taste buds are alive again. Tuesday night woke them up and suddenly I found that I once again had my muse, albeit temporarily. In the last 24 hours, I crafted the bits and pieces of what became the most inspired meal of mine to date. A latin inspired rare steak with layers of heat that made my mouth dance a merengue from the trio of chiles. In the end, I am not sure what is going to happen, but until there are answers, there is food.
Posts Tagged ‘casual sex’
Starting to date again after falling in love with someone and then breaking up, well it just sucks. I am trying to get out there, trying to meet people, flirt, find some inkling of excitement in the prospect of new people and experiences, at a time when all I want some nights is to curl up into the warm soft space of Type Geek’s shoulder or chest or belly and find myself falling asleep. Big dramatic sigh.
Now, I went out with the Daddy WireFramer whose self-esteem issues had me completely turned off, I had sex with my Internet Skype guy, and I have been chatting with a few others on-line. It’s an interesting array of men, but all have a similar thread, appreciation for food. There is the Pac NW/NYC Foodie, the Real Estate Foodie, the Media Tech Getaway guy, and the Doggie Dad who just seems sweet. He’s older than I usually go, but I’m not expecting to fall in love here, I am trying to give my heart some room so that it can heal itself. This includes distracting myself in moments when I am finding myself reminiscing woefully. Last night I did this by playing a game with two different men, the foodies. The game was a little… Would you…Either/Or?
The men would ask me 2 questions and I would need to answer 1, then I would ask 2 questions and they would answer 1. The questions ran from mild to naughty, from topical to highly inquisitive. Did it drive me closer to any of them? Not really. It did however bring me closer to sleep, closer to a sheer exhaustion that had me less restless, less consumed by the loss I feel without Type Geek. I miss his voice, his touch, his laugh. I know, he hasn’t been that for a very long time, yet I miss him, and those moments regardless.
So, at 3:33 am, I find myself gamed out, and ready for sleep. 2 miles from Type Geek but worlds apart. I miss him and getting out there and trying to date only makes me more aware of what I have lost. The games with the other men, they are just that, meaningless games. Maybe someday the games will become more serious and I will find a worthy opponent, even if he isn’t that 5’8″ bald workaholic with an adorable tush and a palate worth creating culinary masterpieces for whom I fell in love with in 2010.
Posted in Beginnings, Endings, Hmmmm, Lessons, Reflection and Insights, Trips, Uncategorized, tagged Bi-Coastal Foodie, casual sex, foodie, grow old together, Italian, jew, jewish cock, mid century furniture, nyc, Shellfish Guy, skype on 25/02/2011| 2 Comments »
This weekend could have been a wonderfully relaxing and tender weekend for two people who have had a challenging year, a way to unwind and reconnect. Instead, I’m heading down to NYC for two nights and two days of who knows what with Internet Skype guy. Sex could happen. Sex probably should happen, I deserve that from the universe. Actually, I deserve a full body massage and really good oral sex, then the best 8 hours of sleep ever. That is what I need.
Since my last post, Type Geek has come out with a new plan… utter disrespectful douche. If you insult her character she will no longer come… that is his theory. Although his other theory… if you ignore her, she will no longer cum, was pretty effective as well. I don’t want to get into what he said, but it sent me into such a fit of anger and how dare you’s that I almost walked the three miles to his house and slapped him across the face. In the end, he still wasn’t successful in making me hate him, just succesful in making me feel sorry for him. It’s quite sad at this point, his complete inability to connect to another human. I hope that someday he gets over what his ex did to him and feels more secure in who he is. For his own sake.
So, the chapter is ended. Is the book of Type Geek finished? Life is long, we shall never know. Perhaps I will reconnect in 20 years at an auction of mid century modern furniture… perhaps we are meant to be old together, but first, we need to grow old separately. Perhaps he just needs to grow first.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch… There is Bi-Coastal Foodie who is shuttling between Seattle and NYC, a foodie who actually admitted that he thinks I might be the better cook. (umm, of course) There was a photographer that lasted a few days, only to run at me wearing a giant red flag after I didn’t text him by a certain time about a potential cocktail. Key word…. potential, not, scheduled. Finally, there was a gentleman, Shellfish Guy who had hit on me months ago and I had told, that I wasn’t in the place because I was seeing someone else. He has continued to pursue me and I figure, hell, why not. So, that is where I am currently at.
This time around, how will I approach things differently? I’m not sure. This time it is a whole new game. I’m no longer wondering if it is possible for me to connect emotionally to a man, I obviously did. Now, maybe my lesson is that if you can’t be with the one you love, find another, then love the one you’re with. It might not be the same soul wrenching, powerful stuff that makes you JUST KNOW. But, maybe it can still be pretty good.
My birthday is in a few days, and I am feeling far from celebratory. I felt like I was walking into 35 with much possibility, however, in the last 12 months I have lost 2 businesses, a condo, and a love that was unexpected. I’m walking into the new year in pain, with a visible limp. The weekend was supposed to be spent curled up, naked flesh against naked flesh, my nose in his neck, many hours of sleep, many hours of making love, and the occasional moment of clothed dining. Instead, I have no plans.
The most solid option for doing something is a trip to NYC, which due to the marital and parental status of the majority of my NYC friends, means a stay with my Internet Skype artist guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has become a solid friend over the last year, we have surpassed our sex Skypes with conversation Skypes. He sent me a Valentine’s Day mix cd to help me get over my painful split and has offered more understanding than many of my other friends. So, what is the dilemma here? Sex. I’m still very much in love with Type Geek and Skype boy knows this. We spoke honestly about his expectations and assumptions and he said that he understands where I am.
So, where am I? Do I fuck him because Type Geek and I hadn’t had sex in so long and I do need to get laid? Who is that fair to? Is that what I really need, casual sex? Will that make me feel better?
Speaking of feeling better, I have a session with a new therapist next Monday. I’m looking forward to having someone I can vent to on a bi-weekly basis. Perhaps then, I will stop venting here.
I hope everyone out there is doing well. My thoughts are with you all.
They are going to Mexico together for a weekend, Cooper Fiennes and his work colleague. Just the two of them. “What happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico”, she told him. Well, what happens in Mexico worries the hell out of me. I KNOW that I told him I was okay with him casually sleeping with her, only, it doesn’t feel like it would be casual. Some of our plans have been canceled lately and then it turns out he was hanging out with the group of them, which includes her. I am starting to feel like that better offer has come along. We used to joke when the other was running a few minutes late that we didn’t get any better offers, that is why we were still there waiting. Sadly, it feels like he doesn’t ask me to do things anymore, or make plans. This last week and a half has been frustrating for me, my realizing that I care more about him than I thought and the realization that he probably cares less. I don’t mean to say he doesn’t care at all about me, but I do feel in my gut that he is falling in love with this woman from work, or at least the idea of her. I can’t do anything about that. I have sat here thinking of how I could fight for him, but really, what is that? What does that get me? In the end, I may not get anything. I don’t think he is on a fence about us, I think emotionally he wants her. I like her, she is cool. I understand the attraction to her person. I may not find her sexy, but I won’t need to sleep with her. Jesus, I don’t know. I guess the lesson here is alcohol is awesome, drink lots and don’t think about Mexico. Sigh.
A week and a half ago Cooper Fiennes and I had a discussion about a woman he works with. There has been some innocent and, at times, not so innocent flirtation between the two. She is part of a larger group of colleagues that have all become great friends and they do a lot of social activities together. That is wonderful.
Now, here is where my rational and irrational minds fail to agree. I am seeing two men, casually, at the same time. One of them leaves in January, for another country, over a vast ocean. I can’t begin to feel jealous or protective or generally bummed out by his flirtation with this woman, or the possibility that it may become something more than friendship between them, because I will lose him in 6 months. Plus, I am sleeping with someone else. It’s hypocritical of me to one week say, “listen, if you sleep with her, it’s OK. I am fine with you having a casual affair with her.” and the next week to be jealous because on their camping trip they bonded even stronger. I cannot, and do not, wish to compete with her over him. Whatever will be, will be. Whatever is meant to, will. Am I surprised however? Surprised that I am feeling a bit bummed out to hear news that should they go on a trip that they have been planning, a trip that would be just the two of them, that something sexual might happen between them? Yeah, I’m feeling funky about it. I have no right to. I have a date with Type Geek tonight and I know we are going to have sex and then I am going to come home right after because I have a new job in the morning. Rationally, I have no place feeling badly. This is a little more complicated than I was expecting and perhaps, since I am still riding the hormones of my period, which ended yesterday, I will feel better in a few days. But, perhaps I won’t and then… then I need to sit down and consider all of this, don’t I?
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