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I’ve never been as lonely as I have in those moments when I am missing him.
When I am seeking his voice on a day when 5 seconds on the telephone would make weeks of grey clouds clear.
When I hear people, celebrating, or just gathering together as friends on their decks on hot summer nights, and I can’t reach him, this is when I feel alone.

I’m in a moment of questioning. I have big answers now, but they don’t seem to make the questions fewer. I want the answer from the universe. Why? Why did you put us together, Type Geek and I? Am I supposed to teach him something, or visa versa? Give me the lesson plan already! Let me skip to the last chapter and see what the outcome is. I don’t even know what chapter I am in. I feel like I am living a slow French film, without the gratuitous sex. Like a French film, it will probably end abruptly, with no explanation and everyone in the audience will be left scratching their heads and looking to each other for understanding.

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I waited on two couples who were dining together on Sunday evening, a mother and father with their younger daughter and her husband. Amongst the many inappropriate things mom said during this two-hour meal were that she disliked her other daughter while this one was her favorite and that this present favorite daughter could pick up the tab because she made more than everyone else at the table… combined. This daughter blushed uncomfortably and looked ready to crawl under the table. Regardless of the humiliation, the two ladies actually seemed to quite adore each other. We deal with our loved one’s quirky flaws, right? As an aside, the younger woman and I spoke a bit about what she did, a consulting job that required her “selling my soul for”, and how her husband was the most patient man in the world. The younger couple was one I found interesting though, because perhaps I am hideously vain, but I am not significantly overweight and because of this, I can’t imagine being with someone who is. As a youth I was. Then I made the decision when I became a teenager to no longer follow in the heavy footsteps of the rest of my family, and I lost it. This isn’t to say that a) some people aren’t attracted to heavy partners or that b) some people truly can’t see past the physical and see the inside of a person.  What I am saying is this, while I am sure her husband was a wonderfully sweet guy, he lucked out on the hottie package. 

This makes me wonder though. How often do people settle in relationships because their current life scenario isn’t perfect and their partner accepts it and rides it out in a way that someone else might not? Maybe work/life balance tends to fall more on the work end of the scale? Long weeks, unexpected trips, canceled dinners and rearranged lives. How often are people with individuals that love them dearly, but aren’t necessarily what they themselves consider to be in their league, so to speak,all because they don’t have the time and energy to find said “better” person or step up and give what might be required in a different relationship? By being patient, justifying and loving, do these other halves make it easier for their “more successful” counterpart to neglect them and the relationship? Am I one of those other halves? Are you?

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No definitive answers here as of yet. Type Geek is apparently not great with confrontation. Between the letter that almost states that I am in love with him, to the text that in fact DID say I am in love with him, the conversation in his car in which I asked to be more than a garnish in his life, to finally my message last night informing him that I do not need him to feel the same exact way, or to promise forever, or perfection, but that I do want him to consider us being more than we are now. Feeling like a 12-year-old, I laid it straight out and told him that I would like him to be my (ahem, gag, hate the word, makes me feel juvenile) boyfriend. So, his response? He told me that reading my email made him smile and that I am both super cute and honest and that yes, we can talk tomorrow night. Tomorrow night is now tonight. He hasn’t canceled yet. I know that he isn’t planning on dumping me because after he told me about his deplorable day, I told him it seemed he was overdue for one of my full body rubs. He agreed and then I said that if there was anything else I could do to or with his body, that I would be taking requests. Does one tell a girl, who has just professed their love for then and asked them to commit to a more solid relationship, that she should definitely straddle their cock, IF they don’t want to continue sleeping with them and seeing them? Maybe he has a dissociative disorder and each personality has their own relationship with me.  The weekend after I tell him I am in love with him, we have an epic 30 hour date. The night I tell him that I want him to be my boyfriend, he tells me he wants me to ride him. Ok, what gives?! I better get a Thanksgiving invite after all of this, or a DAMN good explanation why, after 7 months of dating, I am not.

I can’t help but look at my clock and count the hours until I see him and shut the door on this question. This goes beyond fickle. On a side note, a really hot girl started at my restaurant and a few staffers have told me that it is my job to determine her sexual preference. Meanwhile, it is NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I finished the first draft of my novel last night. Now to the massive chopping, shaving, and reshaping. I think I know what the story is I am trying to tell here, but I am curious what all of you, the readers, see as the story behind this whole adventure. Please, chime in and leave a comment. What are your feelings about this whole thing?

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Can a single week put bigger things into perspective? When what I think is a late night bootie call actually turns out to be a snuggle call? When I think a man is a distraction, only to blink and six months later realize that he might be the main event?

At a red light he asked for smooches. Literally used the word smooch.

Let me back track. Earlier in the week we had discussed seeing each other after I left work. It was a light evening at the restaurant and I assumed that his invitation was like all his others. It would be late, we would get naked, have sex and sleep, we would wake and one of us would make coffee, but I would make breakfast, then he would drive me to the train and we would part ways. This time however, I received a text message that told me I wasn’t getting sex. That we could only snuggle. Snuggle? Really? Well, casual sex is not casual snuggling.

He picked me up from the corner near his house, for days the rain was persistent and fierce, and I was far too cold and tired to walk from the train. In the car something shifted. The first thing I noticed was that he stopped at the entry of his driveway, I paused and realized that he was doing it in order to drop me closer to the front door, so I wouldn’t need to walk in the rain. Later, in the house, we stood in the kitchen and I talked him into having a few bites of chicken salad before bed as I massaged his shoulders and listened to him talk about his day. He talked openly about his stress, his concerns with work and I just listened. We then proceeded to do our respective night-time rituals and met in bedroom in our pajamas. Usually we are naked sleepers, however usually sex is involved. Crawling into bed he chose the outside of the spoon and nuzzled against my neck. We chatted a bit longer and as i realized that, in our exhausted state, we hadn’t smooched, at all, ao, I craned my neck back and demanded one before falling asleep. We changed positions a few times in the night, but in the morning we were still touching in some way. I crawled out to start the coffee and crawled back in, waking him. As the coffee brewed, we talked about random stuff and as I was going to leave to get the coffee he grabbed me and said he needed a few more minutes of snuggling first. Umm, how cute is that? So, it was a super sweet morning, nuzzling was fabulous, my breakfast of pasta pancake, beans and eggs was tasty and coffee was satisfying. I showered quickly and in the hall way, he kissed me and his hands did things they shouldn’t start 5 minutes before one needs to leave, as he whispered in my ear, that if I was available for a shag that night, or the next, I should come over. Oh Type Geek.

So, I guess to sum up this post, which I started days before finishing, Type Geek is starting to become more affectionate in a less casual manner. He’s also doing little things like dropping me closer to doors and opening doors for me, when it isn’t necessary. Cute little things.  It’s sweet.It’s thicker with meaning than my showing up and fucking him, feeding him and leaving. He gave me a few looks last week that were different, more filled with promise, as he pulled me closer and kissed my neck or forehead. A change seems to be in the air, perhaps it is just Autumn, perhaps it is us.

I have scheduled his surprise party for this coming Friday. So, we shall see if the conversation happens organically or if I bring it up.

 

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