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I’ve never been as lonely as I have in those moments when I am missing him.
When I am seeking his voice on a day when 5 seconds on the telephone would make weeks of grey clouds clear.
When I hear people, celebrating, or just gathering together as friends on their decks on hot summer nights, and I can’t reach him, this is when I feel alone.

I’m in a moment of questioning. I have big answers now, but they don’t seem to make the questions fewer. I want the answer from the universe. Why? Why did you put us together, Type Geek and I? Am I supposed to teach him something, or visa versa? Give me the lesson plan already! Let me skip to the last chapter and see what the outcome is. I don’t even know what chapter I am in. I feel like I am living a slow French film, without the gratuitous sex. Like a French film, it will probably end abruptly, with no explanation and everyone in the audience will be left scratching their heads and looking to each other for understanding.

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I waited on two couples who were dining together on Sunday evening, a mother and father with their younger daughter and her husband. Amongst the many inappropriate things mom said during this two-hour meal were that she disliked her other daughter while this one was her favorite and that this present favorite daughter could pick up the tab because she made more than everyone else at the table… combined. This daughter blushed uncomfortably and looked ready to crawl under the table. Regardless of the humiliation, the two ladies actually seemed to quite adore each other. We deal with our loved one’s quirky flaws, right? As an aside, the younger woman and I spoke a bit about what she did, a consulting job that required her “selling my soul for”, and how her husband was the most patient man in the world. The younger couple was one I found interesting though, because perhaps I am hideously vain, but I am not significantly overweight and because of this, I can’t imagine being with someone who is. As a youth I was. Then I made the decision when I became a teenager to no longer follow in the heavy footsteps of the rest of my family, and I lost it. This isn’t to say that a) some people aren’t attracted to heavy partners or that b) some people truly can’t see past the physical and see the inside of a person.  What I am saying is this, while I am sure her husband was a wonderfully sweet guy, he lucked out on the hottie package. 

This makes me wonder though. How often do people settle in relationships because their current life scenario isn’t perfect and their partner accepts it and rides it out in a way that someone else might not? Maybe work/life balance tends to fall more on the work end of the scale? Long weeks, unexpected trips, canceled dinners and rearranged lives. How often are people with individuals that love them dearly, but aren’t necessarily what they themselves consider to be in their league, so to speak,all because they don’t have the time and energy to find said “better” person or step up and give what might be required in a different relationship? By being patient, justifying and loving, do these other halves make it easier for their “more successful” counterpart to neglect them and the relationship? Am I one of those other halves? Are you?

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