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Posts Tagged ‘sexuality’

This is pretty much the funniest thing I have seen in a good long while. Satan, nibbles, and sex… by Steve Hughes

 

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I recently was called vapid and self involved on the Facebook page for the queer site that syndicates me once a week.  They had posted a link to my most recent post and she made her statement in the comments below. I wanted to hold my breath and move on, however I decided to respond. I apologized that I wasn’t talking about the state of the economy, the never-ending war, the housing crisis, politics or the gmo foods we consume without concern. My blog is merely a trail map of my own personal journey.

Re-coming out was, in many ways, more difficult for me psychologically than coming out as Bi as a teen or realizing, in my early 20’s, that I was only attracted to women, subsequently then coming out as a lesbian. I don’t feel like I went back in. I never had issues being a lesbian. Perhaps because I am blessed to be a slim attractive feminine woman in a society that smiles upon that, I never suffered the injustices that some other lesbians have. I didn’t choose to love heels, makeup, long hair, and dresses… it would just be incredibly disingenuous for me to be anyone other than this. One winter I was going through a hard time and opted to go off the grid a bit so I delivered and stacked firewood for the owner of a small composting company. It was all cash under the table and incredibly hard work. A cord of wood is a LOT more than you think, when you have to carry it to a pile and stack it. Some days there were 4 or 5 jobs like this. My point is, my “work boots” had huge thick 2.5″ heels. I wore my hair in pigtail braids and put on mascara and lip gloss at the beginning of my day. It is who I am. I wasn’t a girly girl as a child, nor as a teen, but somewhere in my early 20’s things shifted and I began to find myself. 

My journey into self hasn’t been smooth. I have dealt with a lifetime of anxiety issues from growing up in a family of insanity. I had anger management issues in my teens and 20’s. I suffer from a mild case of body dysmorphia from childhood obesity. Fleeting depression, chronic disorganization resulting in my often sabotaging projects, jobs or relationships, and the myriad of insecurities that just come with being an emotional human being. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? It isn’t though. I’m thankful for being the glorious mess I have been, because it has allowed me to better know myself, to be stronger, to try harder, to find determination in unforseen circumstances, and to run blindly into experience, reminding myself to breathe often, to stop long enough to feel what it is I am experiencing, to remember that I am blessed for having experienced it. The good and the bad. The bad sucks, indeed, but that bad makes the good so glorious. The bad makes me appreciate the 3 hours spent on Type Geeks lap watching South Park and Mad Men, drinking port. The bad makes me appreciate the smell of my dogs paws (it really is a mix of all the grossness that they step in that makes them smell like popcorn, isn’t it?! eww). The bad makes me appreciate the sensation of a piece of smoked sea salt dissolving on my tongue, the aroma of roasted brussel sprouts with truffle oil, a long hot shower and friends that make you laugh til it pains you and then you laugh more, because you just can’t stop.

So, into all of our lives things bad things happen. Some of us are in foreclosure, some are facing homelessness, or are homeless, some are sick, and some will get better, some feel all alone even when surrounded by a room full of “friends and family”. This is life.  However, remember that life is also the wag of a dog’s tail, the glint in a 2 year old’s eye from across a bus or subway train, the way the chocolate feels as it melts in your mouth, the sound of autumn leaves under foot and .. one of my personal favorites, when the temperatures drop so drastically during a snow shower that the top layer is frozen crisp, as if the world is a giant creme brulee. I block out the world and I crunch crunch crunch down the street, through the grass, while cracking the higher crust with my fingers. I love it. I do.

Find the small things you love and be thankful for them. They make the big things, which you don’t love, diminish in size. Happy Thanksgiving.

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I was perusing around http://www.engrish.com today and found this hysterical shirt, which basically sums up my feelings towards men and my newly adventurous sexuality in just one sentence. Thank you Engrish for making me laugh my ass off.

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His photos were a little strangely disturbing but I knew that there was NO WAY he actually looked like that in real life. He must have a condition that results in him making a dumb ass face every time a camera is pointed at him. I know many people who suffer from this condition. I am blessed. Years behind the camera taught me how to be in front of the camera without much incident. So, I agree to meet him because he seems like a chill guy with some varied interests and no serious issues except a not so recent divorce and a child. The divorce and the child are a plus actually. At 31, this means that the probability of his wanting another marriage or child anytime soon has been severely reduced. I am stoked. We chat a bit through email and decide to meet for coffee at 2:30 in the neighborhood I’ll be working in today.

I arrive a few minutes before him and use it as an opportunity to use the restroom. When I come out of the restroom I notice him at the condiment station doctoring up his cup of joe. He grabs us a table and I grab a tea and we sit and chat. Conversation flows easily, we start talking about his 3-year-old daughter, my job and what it is that I do, his job in PR and then the exes come into the conversation. We have been sitting there for 1 hr. and 30 min., of course the exes are starting to creep in. Just as we are getting asked to leave, because the café is closing at 4, I spring it on him. I just can’t lie. If you say HE ,in reference to my ex fiancé, I shall correct you. So, I did this and knew that one of two things would occur. We would leave the cafe and he would say that it was nice meeting me and we would part ways OR he would suggest we go somewhere else.

We spent the next 3.5 hours sitting at a bar around the corner that is in the middle of undergoing renovation. Their taps didn’t work so I couldn’t get a dark and stormy, as their ginger beer is on tap (how cool is that but also momentarily annoying) and no coffee, as the coffee machine wasn’t hooked up yet. I ended up with Pinot Grigio, which, far from my favorite is better than the usual swill California Chardonnay’s these types of places have as their house white. Cheekbone Guy had tonic, just tonic. He isn’t a drinker anymore and that is a plus. Speaking of pluses, by the way, he was actually quite attractive in a very Nantucket, plaid Bermuda shorts, chocolate lab kind of way. The cheekbones are, in fact, prominent but not disturbing as they are in his photos. He does have the weird photo affliction I mentioned earlier in the post.  

Overall our date lasted 5 hours which works out to roughly: 2 glasses of wine, one water, 2 tonics, 2 large coffees and 2 large hot teas for the pair of us. I am such a cheap date. We talked about everything you are advised not to; such as, politics, religion, sexuality, addiction, crazy exes, actual financial numbers on our homes, and past relationships. We covered a lot. Sober. While we didn’t get thrown out of any public places for indecent and lewd acts, he was attractive and showed discreet polite flirtation and interest. He commented several times about things he noticed or liked and began the statements with, “if we actually start dating…” we should, you could, it would… He was very nice.

I walked him from the bar to the theatre around the corner where he was meeting his friend. He bent down, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. That’s cute. No one has done the cheek kiss yet. Produce, check. Rosemary, check. Red roses, check. Leaving me with the tab, check. But no, no cheek kiss. I usually disapprove of such half kisses but it didn’t feel like a peck. It felt like a genuinely nice guy who is respectful and navigating boundaries he believes should exist early on. Bravo.

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