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This isn’t the goodbye I wanted. Two and a half years ago I began this blog because a friend found my dating stories hilarious. They were hilarious.  Learning how to date from the other side, when I understood women and how relationships with women work. Since I started the blog I stopped defining myself as gay, even as queer, which was something I did for about a year. The majority of my adult sexual life was lived as a lesbian. Something shifted one day, and then I wasn’t gay anymore. I can’t full explain it, I don’t want to try. I’m done explaining.

The purpose of this blog was to show one woman’s authentic experiences during a period in her life. There were moments when this blog provided comfort for me, as well as others, but then there were the times when I was forced to defend myself and my relationship actions and made to feel criminal for caring about a man who is troubled. How dare I find someone worth loving who has issues. Hey everyone, guess what, we ALL have issues. Some of us are just better at faking them in public. Yes, I am spending time with him again, as of a month of so ago and I don’t feel the need to defend it. This blog no longer provides me comfort or joy. It no longer provides me a positive place of supportive community. Perhaps I am realizing that it never really did.

I had hoped to end this blog with me walking off into the sunset …holding hands with Type Geek or some one else. It isn’t happening that way. I’m walking away because I feel I have nothing left to say to this audience. Sure, Type Geek is there still, but not in the romantic sense, he exists as an odd anchor of sorts. So, with that said… It’s time to walk away.

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That’s what I am thinking, as I sit here trying to rework my resume and figure it all out. By it I mean the big “IT”. A friend asked me today if I have ever had one of those days where I felt like I didn’t accomplish anything? I laughed and responded that I feel like I have had one of those LIVES.

You see, if you have been a regular reader, you know that in just a couple years I have lost my business, my condo, my dog, etc. I have taken quite the beating by the recession in the last couple years. This wasn’t just to my psyche, but also to my wallet. I think I have officially hit the poorest I have ever been. Not something that I want to put on my list of accomplishments. I know that my resume now is a hodge podge, it makes no sense without the story that I need to tell. Once I can get an interview, I’m usually quite good, but it’s getting in the door. In this job market especially, it’s impossible. I spent the last 9 months giving birth to what I thought was going to be a promised salaried professional position in my field, only to have it be stillborn a few weeks ago. Apparently, after 9 months of free full time labor, they are going a different direction. The reality, I think they want that showy degree’d Marketing Executive for their funding rounds and just didn’t have the balls to tell me that all along. So, I thought it was a good investment in myself and my future, that is why I invested my time and energy into it. That’s why I got a bit poorer, because there was a light through the tunnel. Turns out I was wrong. Now I am really in need of help.

I have the skills, the talent, the innovative way of thinking to do quite well, but it’s how I got HERE that is the confusing part. I didn’t do the typical college degree, know what I want from my life. I was an artist, I apprenticed. I’ve lived in 4 states before turning 30, 3 of which I moved myself to, always in search of growth and expansion. I founded and ran my own business for 4 years. To some this is a hiccup or a negative. Entrepreneurial spirit is a plus, actual entrepreneurs are not. So, I have realized that I need to bring in some big guns to rise to the top of the applicants pool. To stand out I need several things:

  •  I need to revamp a personal branded page and write the shit out of industry topics on there for ME and MY future, so that I have something solid to start showing.
  • I need pro head shots… if I want to compete with professionals, I need to have some solid images that aren’t taken with my iPhone.
  • I need to join some paid industry membership groups. There is insider info there that I am not getting.
  • New branded cards to match new branded image.
  • VITAL is the resume. I contacted a designer who specializes in infographic resumes. Telling a story. Capturing attention.

Many of you are in traditional career paths and you don’t understand why the hell I need THESE things. A traditional resume should be fine. Head shots? A branded page?! Social Media Marketing is a complex niche that is different in almost every way. WE are our own brand, and need to represent as such. We need to show innovative use of the tools we use, like infographics, analytics, twitter, google+, reddit. We have to push ourselves as we would push a client in a campaign. Sell it big and sell it fast. Engage. We only get on average 5 seconds looking at that cv/resume, so make it the best 5 seconds they have spent. You may still think it’s “poppycock”, but I know this niche and I belong here, I just can’t get in the door through the traditional job hunting actions.

So, this is all fine and good… but the issue with all of the above is cost. I think most teenagers have more cash than I do. I can’t keep falling in the same hole though. I need to jump to the next level and be recognized for my talents and I’m not getting there the traditional routes. When I started this post, I hadn’t planed to end it this way, but I am. I took a moment to go to ChipIn and create a page. I need help. The chipin page has a title about organics, ignore that. It’s linked in with a paypal which was a business account for an old business I was involved in. I can’t change it, but it isn’t a lure to trap you or get you to fund something else. It’s just PayPal and their lack of flexibility.

Again, I am humbly asking for help because I can’t do this alone. I deserve the career and the financial success that others around me have, I deserve all of that and more, and I need a little leg up to get my feet in the door. Please, instead of that extra beer, or afternoon latte, what do you say and you throw a blogger a little bit as a thank you for keeping you entertained all these years, and mostly, as a way of recognizing that sometimes we all just need a little help reaching our potential and that we deserve to be able to fully realize our goals, even if they require the assistance of others to get there.

Thank you everyone. Here is my chipin page .http://socialmediageek.chipin.com

Please also share it with friends via Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Tumblr, etc. There is a widget there that allows you to also attach that widget to your own sites.

Actually, FUCK YOU, that’s not just uncomfortable… that HURTS.

The morning after my birthday. I was laying in bed, feeling a little randy, and so I started to take advantage of myself. Actually, I didn’t get far with it because suddenly I realized that I wasn’t alone in the bed. While grabbing my breast in a way that should have been naughty, I instead realized I was achy and something was amiss. I called it a lump, but it wasn’t round. It wasn’t a mass either. I wasn’t sure WHAT it was, but it wasn’t there before. It had never been there before. Suddenly it WAS there and all I knew was that I didn’t have insurance.

I had applied for insurance a month earlier and so the day after my house guest moved in, I called for an update on my application.

“Backed up”, they told me.

“A couple more weeks”, they said

So, I waited, and I said nothing. To almost anyone. I didn’t want to worry people needlessly. I didn’t want people fussing if there wasn’t a reason. I didn’t want to TALK about it. I was trying with all my might to just get by until I could get insurance and get tested. Then, last Monday, I called again, assuming that calling three weeks from when I was told that 2 weeks would be a fair estimate for processing…well, that would get me good news, right?

“4 more weeks, ” she said, ” we are short-staffed and backed up over here with processing.”

I couldn’t handle the stress and the silence anymore. I wasn’t sleeping well those previous weeks and now I was crying myself to sleep some nights. I was beyond frustrated. I wanted to tell Type Geek, but I didn’t want to worry him. He just lost his brother last Spring. Cancer. Without some sort of diagnosis, I didn’t even know what to say. Why make people worry and feel helpless? So, I kept quiet and I researched.  By midweek I had located the Women’s Health Network and the lovely woman there put me in contact with Lisa at Cambridge Health Alliance. Lisa hooked me up with Julianna & Coreen who were able to act as my advocates and fast track my insurance application. There was still chaos in that process though, as the insurance company lost the letter they faxed over last week, forcing us to re-fax it this week. Then the insurance agency decided that they would no longer deal with my advocates and I had to go back to calling them. Back and forth, back and forth. They leave me a message Monday late afternoon, only to tell me that, “Oops, you can’t call me back because the offices are now closed.” Making me wait until the morning. By mid Tuesday I finally have insurance. By end of day Tuesday I have an appointment at the Breast Care Center and a new primary care. Exhale.

Wednesday is a lot of waiting. I woke up late. Not concentrating. Appointment regarding my benefits in Downtown Boston, stroll through TJ Maxx for spices (a hidden gem for spices, btw), through Whole Foods for meat, and get home in time to do a bit of research before meeting a friend and her business partner for dinner about a potential business arrangement. Home and exhausted.

I woke this morning with an hour before I needed to be at the hospital. I showered the night before. No deodorant or powder. They can cause false positives on the films is my understanding or at least make reading the films difficult. No jewelry on the neck. Wear separates, so the top can be easily removed. Check Check Check. Got it.

Walking to the train… red line is down. Of course.

Cab stand. Nothing there. Guy hails one as I am trying to. I’m sure he has to go to the hospital to get his balls fondled, fine.

FINALLY I hail a cab…and he turns out to be agro overly caffeinated impatient driver from some townie North Shore part of Boston. Yay! Dude, that’s cool, yell at people for stopping at yellow lights. That’s cool. I might have cancer, but sure, it’s fine to let traffic lights totally ruin your day. He drops me off, finally. Free at last from his clutches!

As I am doing my check in… “But ma’am, your appointment is TOMORROW, the 30th.”

Ha Ha Ha Ha, “Umm, no, it’s THURSDAY, Today. Today is THURSDAY and my appointment is on THURSDAY.”

“But ma’am, it say’s here….”

“I DON’T CARE what THAT says. I made the appointment for THURSDAY”. Did I mention that I cut sugar and coffee weeks ago. Damn, if there was ever a time I could use a triple tall nonfat vanilla latte… it’s fucking right at that moment. BREATHE

They shuffle me off to the Breast Care Center to see if they can do anything. Thank you Lisa at BCC registration for fitting me in with Denise, the NP. Now for the fun part:

An hour undressed with a ridiculously designed gown (thankfully it was cotton, not paper) with arm holes larger than my skull, and lots of where is the lump, which breast, describe how it feels, describe the pain, on a scale from 1-10, where is the pain… ok, arm up.  Thank you Denise for making the clinical exam not too torturous, and having a charming breast side manner. Having not found anything, she offered two options.

  1. I could go home and “watch it”. That means that I would still have the nagging questions in my mind. What if, Could it, Might it?
  2. She could justify to the insurance, while I have it, the reason for further tests, and schedule me a mammogram and ultrasound.

I opted for peace of mind. She agreed that it peace of mind was a good way to proceed and had me wait (there’s a definite trend here with the waiting) while she checked with Lisa. Ten minutes later I am told to go take a walk for an hour and come back for a 12:30 mammogram and 1 pm ultrasound. That’s a super long hour; if you are wondering. How do you think of anything other than what the tests MIGHT find. Even though Denise didn’t find anything, hell, the films could. So, I wandered around and checked out 2 vintage stores, a bookstore, picked up a white tea and wandered back. Lisa directed me to the mammogram suite, where I checked in, stripped again, and waited. YAWN. Of all days to be off coffee.

A quirky woman named Carol came and rescued me from boredom, only to torture me with an iron apron an inch smaller than my waist and the Tit Terrorizer, aka the mammogram machine. If they threatened criminals with mammograms, you’d get confessions sooner. Maybe it hurt so much because I’m petite and between the contorting and the shoving and the pressing, small breasts just hurt so much more when compressed to the size of a small luncheon sandwich. Once the 6 images were taken, and yes, the small paddle does hurt the worst, it was off to sit…and wait.

Sweet Maggie May, with the spasmy back… she rescued me from my waiting room purgatory. Leading me to the ultrasound room, she was quite funny and down to earth. We complained of getting older, my shoulder pain, her spasmy back. I suggested back stretches and arm stretches, and anti-inflammatory diet, and lots of ibuprofen. She poured warm gelatinous gook on my right breast and scanned it. I joked that I deserved a voucher for a really nice dinner after getting my breasts fondled for so many hours. After the scan, Maggie stepped out, I waited (yup) and once the doctor reviewed it, I was cleared to go.

Results? Nothing. Well, not nothing, but nothing cancerous. Turns out my breasts have decided to develop their own version of internal cellulite. Pockets of fat. Yay! I love old age. Apparently totally normal for women to have, some even develop like that initially.I guess I can find relief in that my bodies sick idea of symmetry. Cellulite on the thighs, cellulite in the breasts. Top to bottom. Grrar.

I headed back down to give Denise the heads up on results, book a follow-up with her in 3 months regarding the “pain’, and then wander over to make an appointment for a physical with my new primary care so that I can also get a referral for a dermatologist. All of this cancer scare has me wanting to get everything checked out while I have the insurance. So, all those moles and skin spots… be sure as hell I am getting those looked at. I’m also going to get to the bottom of my headaches, once and for all.

As I walked out of the hospital I exhaled and felt a definite sense of relief, but I also was oddly bummed out that it meant I couldn’t get La Perla customized breasts after all. That was my one silver lining. If I was going to have cancer, I would come out with implants and perfect La Perla sized breasts. Oh well, guess I will have to be happy with cancer free breasts instead of manufactured cleavage. In all of this, the best lesson I can find is this… if you have insurance, USE it. Get things checked out people. Been how long since a comprehensive exam? Get one. I know they are [fill in blanks], but they are necessary and they could save your life, or at least, your small and perky, yet imperfectly shaped for La Perla (sigh) breasts.

Thanks everyone.

 

I hit the pause button. I didn’t delete my profile, I just deactivated it. The idea of dating right now is exhausting and NOT in that fun and thrilling kind of way. The slew of douche bags (hello fiscally conservative guy who feels put upon by the poor), Utopian seeking (hola neuro surfing Aussie who wants pretty smiles and hot kisses BUT no real life), frigid/fickle-tons (flirting in the last 5 seconds of the date and kissing me ONLY then and never touching me… if you like me, touch me, if you don’t, stop calling me…PLEASE), with crazy ex’s (turns out Virginia’s ex was the cause of his flake…and I thank him, as she might have boiled all of my neighbors pets in a Glenn Close move, had he and I actually successfully gone out again)…. has broken me. I’m broken.

With my stalled career, lack of true income, unresolved health issue, and general malaise regarding being 37 and farther behind than I feel I should…I just can’t fake the dating right now. All I have the energy for is the comfort of old dances and familiar hands, as much as you may disagree, it’s the one solace I have at the moment, and it’s good that it came around when it did, because this is what I need.

 

That’s my new life hashtag. I’ve spent COUNTLESS (okay, roughly 22 so far) hours on the phone with a representative or on hold or being transferred between departments while trying to secure health insurance. I have now brought in public health advocates and at first they seemed helpful, until the insurance representatives decided they no longer would release information to them as my advocates. Then I needed to call them back and sit on the phone and re-explain everything, because I LOVE doing that and it is SUCH a productive use of my time. Now, I get a call at 4:45 from one of the insurance reps, while I am in the “powder room”, only to come out to a message that asks me to call them back but… a) doesn’t leave a direct line to return the call (meaning I need to WAIT ON HOLD for another 45 minutes to get through to a person) and b) the kind gentleman (I can hear him smiling as he says this) states that,” but, sorry, the office is now closed, so, you’ll have to call back tomorrow.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.  Any hot Dutch, German, or even Canadian gay men out there that want a hot “beard” for a green card? Quid pro quo baby… I want your healthcare. Please.

On a side note, remember how I tried to diet last year and it went no where? Well, one good thing that has come out of my unspoken sexual misadventures as of late… inspiration, motivation and a sense of competitiveness. A certain gentleman lost 12 pounds by working out and changing his diet, so that made me harrumphf and state loudly to the universe, if HE can lose 12 pounds in 2 months, I can lose ten in less! Damn it. {foot stomp} Well, week 2 finds me down almost 3 pounds! I starting running several times a week. Cut out all sugar (except fruit), reduced coffee intake to 2 a week (!!), reduced dairy intake (cheese addict here, ahem), and stepped away from the charcuterie. So far, so good. The weather is going to kick my ass this week though, as the temps dropped and I just can’t run in weather below 50. I get too cold. I know, I’m a pussy. I do have a 5k in sight though. Fingers crossed.

Hope everyone is well.

This is pretty much the funniest thing I have seen in a good long while. Satan, nibbles, and sex… by Steve Hughes

 

Funny how a simple kiss on the cheek can feel far more tender and disarming than any words he could have said. We had a simple lunch on Saturday at his house and when I left, he kissed me on the cheek, and it left me more confused than sleeping with him did. Disconnecting for a few days to see what it’s about.

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