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Archive for July, 2010

I began working at a restaurant again a few weeks ago, after a 12 year hiatus. The recession wasn’t kind to my business, therefore it was time to look for some other income. The restaurant is a high-end casual place with internationally influenced american grill cuisine. The chef is a local chef celebrity and so far, the reviews are glowing. We have been training for three weeks, this week we went live, first to a select few invite only  “friends and family”, a.k.a. investors, corporate employees, and local who’s-its. Friday the doors open to the public and we go live. So far, so good.

A table I had last night was pretty hysterical. They were all liquor reps working within the industry. They ranged from 29-40 and consisted of an extra from Jersey Shore, with his inflated muscles, spray tan, ed hardy, and muscles that wouldn’t stop, a blonde woman who rolled her eyes at most things the boys said, an older wine rep gentleman who was friendly but respectful and the clown, the black gentleman at the table who asked for hand massages, made passing jokes about coming home with me, and in so many other ways, made his sexual interest in me apparent. I am not adverse to sexualized flirtation. It’s fine. I just forgot how it can be as an attractive female server. He did not get my phone number, in case you are wondering. I have a feeling that a piece of ass is easy to come by for him, I’m not interested in being part of his germ-pool.

Tonight is another night. I am curious about the clientele this evening and what their level of expectations will be. I sense that I will receive many blatant come ons in the coming months. I’m fresh meat to these people. This is going to be very interesting to track moving forward.

On a side note, Cooper Fiennes is headed to Mexico with his best friend on “The Trip”. They are flying out this afternoon and returning on Sunday. THIS is the infamous trip of infinite possibilities. The reason he could no longer date me, as he needed the freedom to explore this connection. Sigh. Maybe it will be the worst kiss of his life. One can only hope.

As for Type Geek, he has been insanely sweet and wonderful all week. He wrote me the kindest email on Monday regarding everything I am currently dealing with; business, home, financial, etc. As my friend who was visiting from the west coast said,”Type Geek is boyfriend material”. True, he is. But is that what I want right now? Also, could I realistically handle his work life if we were more than casual? I never factored the possibility of a boyfriend into this whole experience. That feels weird to say. After so many years of girlfriend and partner, boyfriend feels like another language.

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Trolling….

I spent the better part of the evening trolling through the Match and OKCupid sites. It was more boredom and something to stop the mental chatter more than anything. I like Type Geek, I do, but I never get to see him. I guess that I realized, even in a casual thing, I put people high on a priority list and I need that in return, at least right now.  Getting rescheduled those last couple of weeks by Cooper Fiennes because I wasn’t his priority, that stung, getting dumped for a possible replacement, that stung too. I need to know that I am more than just something to fill the time. You can be casual but care about each other, It’s a problem when the caring gets sidestepped and the other person gets stepped on and over in the process. So, Type Geek is a more fly by the seat of his pants non scheduler. Okay, I can accept that, I am someone who resents having plans because I feel suffocated by them, but now, with a new night job, I only have so many evening options available. Not seeing him on one of those nights makes a reschedule difficult, if not impossible. I’m over thinking everything these last couple of weeks. I feel like this topic needs to be expanded on in a future post, so I will just back burner it for now.

Back to the dating sites, did I learn anything new on either of them? Nope, not really, same old. 22 year old boys who want to be my bitch and 48 year olds that get pissed off when I tell them I am not interested, for the 30th time. They feel rejected so they need to insult me. Excellent. Nice one there.

What are YOUR experiences with the dating sites? Are there any out there that I should try?

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A couple of nights ago, while feeling particularly bummed out by the current situation, I open my email to this bullshit:

The Five of Chalices card suggests that an element of suffering could be difficult to handle regardless of your ability to walk away from an unhealthy situation. Denial may be worn like a cloak to hide a fear of intimacy or feelings of vulnerability. Face unresolved issues, loss and emotional baggage. A sobering change, failure or good-bye may be inevitable, but you have reason to be grateful as well as disappointed. Taking a chance and confronting the issue could create an opportunity for reconciliation, commitment, marriage or support that has been waiting in the wings. The situation may actually strengthen the bonds in an existing relationship when a devoted partner or reliable alliance stands by your side throughout the ordeal. When you least expect it, you could find yourself happy again. Trust your heart and open yourself to forgiveness and romance.

Yeah Yeah, fuck you and your lessons tarot.com

Today my Tarot.com was even nicer and to the point…

The Devil card suggests that in an effort to satisfy your own longings, you could inadvertently hurt someone else or bring distress to your love life or relationship. Overcompensating for, or attempting to deny repressed personal issues or hang-ups could be blinding you to the consequences. Seeking instant gratification may not bring you any satisfaction, but may be more of a mask to cover past hurt, fear, guilt, secrets or rejection. Don’t be a victim

Ok, listen Tarot.com , I am not trying to be a victim here. Rather than beat around the esoteric bush… spell it out for me Tarot.com, who, what, where, when and why. Oh, maybe a HOW in there to. I am not dwelling, I am merely sad and trying to process that sadness as best as I can and in as healthy a manner as possible. I even tried to go for a run today. 3 miles. I died a little more than half way through and was laughed at by some pre adolescent kids as my dog had to drag my sorry ass home, sweating and heaving, but nonetheless, I did get out there! Speaking of, it is time to wash the funk off me and get ready to do some real work.

What does everyone have planned for their weeks? I have to work every night, so I may not have any posts until the weekend. Cooper Fiennes goes on his romantic getaway with the friend this weekend, I may opt for drinking Thursday – Sunday in order to get through it. Maybe it is awful and they realize, holy shit, what a mistake. I doubt this, although stranger things have happened.

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I needed to see him, to start trying to be “normal”. Cooper Fiennes and I met up outside Starbucks and he was fidgety. I had told him that I wanted to talk to him about some things but not yet. That this was just for coffee since I had time to kill in the neighborhood and he was nearby. Yes, I went into the city as an excuse to see him, but I needed to go to Whole Foods and I decided to ring the Turk for a cocktail. No, nothing insidious happened with the Turk.I was going to be in the neighborhood so I thought I would check in.

Anyway, C.F. and I sat in Starbucks and he picked at himself, the skin on his thumbnail, an ingrown hair on his neck, his fingers in general. He was uncomfortable. I called him out on it and he admitted that he was curious what I wanted to talk with him about. I replied that I just wanted to see him, that this friendship is important to me, and as I said this my voice cracked and my eyes got wet so I looked up at the ceiling for a second and just exhaled. I miss him. I continued by saying that it was important for me , for us to try and start being normal. As normal as we can be.

He couldn’t smile around me yesterday. Not at all. That made me sad, I miss that smile and the light that streams from his eyes when he is happy. The whole situation is sad though right now, there is no happiness surrounding it. There are no smiles to be had.

I needed to ask, “Does she finally know everything?” He said,” she’s not stupid”. “But C.F., have you two talked about any of it?”, “no”. I followed that with the question I didn’t want the answer too… ” Are you two dating now?”, “No” he responded. Sigh. Is that the truth? I believe so. I wonder how she would feel knowing what is going on? All of this wondering on his part and planning, in hopes that he can see where it goes with her. Only, they haven’t talked about it. They have never actually talked about their future or any REAL attraction. They have only playfully flirted. So, I was dumped for a what if. Not even an actual replacement, but the hope. Does that hurt even more? I don’t know. I’m just a little achy and raw these days.It feels like something around my heart was expanded and then deflated too quickly to allow my chest to adapt.

I texted him later, thanking him for meeting with me, he replied that for the first time, he feels we might be ok.  I hope this, but as long as in my heart, I have hopes that he will not hook up with her, or that it will be awful, or crash and burn and I will have one more night, then I am not sure. I guess I needed a  goodbye night. A final that I KNEW was the final. I didn’t get that. I had hot sex in a car, but I wanted one more night with him after that. Huge fucking sigh.I know that I am dwelling-ish and moping-ish. I’m trying not to readers. I started my period early and I just want to cry cause he truly put a smile on my face all the times that he was around me. Sigh.

As for the Turk, we had a couple of Dark and Stormies, we chatted, I told him my critique of certain things he does and how they come off… a.k.a the condoms stashed EVERYWHERE and the titty slapping. I hoped I didn’t offend him. Who knows.

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I check the links in my back end… the referrals, the clicks, all of the stuff that helps me figure out who some of you are. Tonight I saw that there was a mention of me on tumblr and being the girl I am, I stalked tumblr to find out who posted me up there.

Thank you Miss Ashley Green. I love your blog.

Your post on July 20th made my heart ache.

http://petiteoiseau.tumblr.com/

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I can respect and appreciate calm personalities. There is a very appealing zen quality to it all. The reality is this… how much ass does a calm collected Buddhist Monk (he is not a B.M., I’m just using it as an example, btw) get versus a passionate excitable individual? Yes, I am talking about the difference between T.G. and C.F., again. I have a friend visiting from California and due to some rather obnoxious training scheduling with my new job, I have to work most of the time he is here, SO, my man Type Geek agreed to entertain him last night. However, I somehow made it out of work early and was able to meet up with both of them and enjoy the drinking fun at a local pub known for their beer list.It was a fun time, T.G. really liked my friend, my friend really liked T.G. and in the later hours I even received a message via text from Type Geek about how he would have really liked my naked body laying next to him. That was impressive of him to say, he is always so quiet and shy. I encouraged it by responding that I find it really HOT when he initiates or makes such aggressive comments. Hopefully he takes that lead a bit.

Type Geek is great, he IS, I don’t mean to say he isn’t. It is just… just. Have you ever had someone who would push you against buildings or into alcoves to kiss you passionately as you walked alongside them? Sigh, Cooper Fiennes did that, A LOT. I felt wanted and sexy, ALL of the time. Okay, I am a girl, so not ALL of the time, but MOST. He really made me feel desired, it was incredibly hot. With Type Geek, I wonder if I am his buddy and if I really turn him on, but then he is turned on and we have sex and weee, sorta. 9/10ths of sex for me is the stuff leading up to it. C.F. might not have made me cum, but he got me off psychologically. T.G. gets me off physically, but not always in my head.

Can you all chime in? Have you experienced this in your own lives? I know you readers are out there, I see the numbers and I know from where most of you come thanks to WordPress and it’s awesome “back end”.  Nice ass Word Press. 😉  So, c’mon, give a girl some feedback here once and a while.

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Seriously though, I get chatted up by someone who asks how I am doing, someone whom I have never met because he lives in another state and refuses to put pictures of himself on his profile. Let me first say this, if you are doing internet dating, get over yourself and include some fucking photos. If I won’t buy produce I can’t fondle first, I won’t date you if I can’t see you first. If you have an issue with that, join a dating site for the blind!

Now, as I was saying… he asked how I have been, I explained that I had just been dropped by someone who I was casually seeing who, a couple weeks prior, I was realizing that perhaps I was beginning to fall in love with, however, I didn’t say the “L” word to this person, I merely stated that I was realizing that I cared a bit more than casual. This man then wanted to bad mouth my Spaniard. Ok, step back. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was respectful, he was honest, he was apologetic and he cares about me very much, which is why he wasn’t a dick, plus he is just a genuinely AWESOME person. Cynics back off, these people exist, perhaps only in Spain, but they do exist.

I informed this guy on OkCupid that I intended to be friends with Cooper Fiennes and he felt that was impossible. I inquired as to why and he felt that you can’t be intimate with someone and then be friends. He continued by saying that C.F. would gush about his new love to me, I replied that he isn’t like that and that he was accepting and understanding as I set out my requests, which were that I have no contact with C.F. and the girl in question when they are together, or her in general, at least for the mean time, that it would be too difficult for me as I needed time to put my emotions at rest and heal the wound. That because she had something I cherished, him, I just needed a buffer time. OkC DBag then says, quite matter of factly, that I like CF way too much to be friends. If I need time to rest any emotions, it’s too much. Who is this guy? Any REAL connection creates intense feelings, which, like boiling water, will need time to cool once removed from the heat source. I’m still in that weird barely simmering point, after all, we were in a rolling boil weeks ago fucking in a rental car on the waterfront. My knee wound hasn’t healed yet, why should my heart in two days?! Jesus Christ Dbag. Anyway, my response was, I’m not an obsessed stalker, I care about him and think he’s an amazing person, I would like to remain friends with him after he moves back to Spain. I continued on that he wasn’t a dick the way he ended things and that regardless, things were going to end in January, except they would have ended on a much more fun, far more sexually charged woo hoo way, rather than my tears because he started to fall in love with his co-worker. OkC then said the thing that made me sign out immediately… “See, you are just too into him, that’s why you are trying to rationalize it all to me.” Umm, hey DBag, no, I was answering your questions. I then told him I was ending the conversation because he had his own definite opinions and I wasn’t going to have a  pointless debate with him over an intense and wonderful emotional connection I have and had with an intense and wonderful man. He tried to have a response, however my account was signing out as his screen popped up. Sayonara DBag. It’s been two fucking days since I had someone I cared about telling me that they needed to stop seeing me because they are falling in love with their friend. Umm, I’m not hanging out at coffee shops near his work for fucks sake. Armchair relationship guru’s who are cynics AND single… should take a look in the mirror before making recommendations or analysis of the health or normality of another individual’s interpersonal relationships .

Tips for life….

  1. Don’t get your hair cut/ colored by someone who has bad hair.
  2. If your nutritionist/dietician is overweight… get a new one.
  3. If all of your architect friends tell you to buy in an up and coming neighborhood…don’t , UNLESS they are actually buying too.
  4. If you can’t pronounce the science experiment, a.k.a ingredients , in what you want to drink or eat…  don’t put it in your mouth.
  5. If your shrink sees a shrink, who sees a shrink… get the number for the shrink’s shrink’s shrink, Don’t go to the one that is completely FUCKED.
  6. Don’t date a shrink…for so many reasons
  7. Don’t take dating and love advice from cynical, misanthropic, perpetually single, afraid to expose themselves and be vulnerable (no photo?!!), armchair DBags.
  8. Don’t take dating advice from me… I’m a lesbian who started dating men…I know that women are crazy (we are) and men are daft (you are). I know not much else. Oh wait…. umm… the meaning of life consists of stockings, jewish cock, good music and great food!

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