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Posts Tagged ‘bisexual’

I recently was called vapid and self involved on the Facebook page for the queer site that syndicates me once a week.  They had posted a link to my most recent post and she made her statement in the comments below. I wanted to hold my breath and move on, however I decided to respond. I apologized that I wasn’t talking about the state of the economy, the never-ending war, the housing crisis, politics or the gmo foods we consume without concern. My blog is merely a trail map of my own personal journey.

Re-coming out was, in many ways, more difficult for me psychologically than coming out as Bi as a teen or realizing, in my early 20’s, that I was only attracted to women, subsequently then coming out as a lesbian. I don’t feel like I went back in. I never had issues being a lesbian. Perhaps because I am blessed to be a slim attractive feminine woman in a society that smiles upon that, I never suffered the injustices that some other lesbians have. I didn’t choose to love heels, makeup, long hair, and dresses… it would just be incredibly disingenuous for me to be anyone other than this. One winter I was going through a hard time and opted to go off the grid a bit so I delivered and stacked firewood for the owner of a small composting company. It was all cash under the table and incredibly hard work. A cord of wood is a LOT more than you think, when you have to carry it to a pile and stack it. Some days there were 4 or 5 jobs like this. My point is, my “work boots” had huge thick 2.5″ heels. I wore my hair in pigtail braids and put on mascara and lip gloss at the beginning of my day. It is who I am. I wasn’t a girly girl as a child, nor as a teen, but somewhere in my early 20’s things shifted and I began to find myself. 

My journey into self hasn’t been smooth. I have dealt with a lifetime of anxiety issues from growing up in a family of insanity. I had anger management issues in my teens and 20’s. I suffer from a mild case of body dysmorphia from childhood obesity. Fleeting depression, chronic disorganization resulting in my often sabotaging projects, jobs or relationships, and the myriad of insecurities that just come with being an emotional human being. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? It isn’t though. I’m thankful for being the glorious mess I have been, because it has allowed me to better know myself, to be stronger, to try harder, to find determination in unforseen circumstances, and to run blindly into experience, reminding myself to breathe often, to stop long enough to feel what it is I am experiencing, to remember that I am blessed for having experienced it. The good and the bad. The bad sucks, indeed, but that bad makes the good so glorious. The bad makes me appreciate the 3 hours spent on Type Geeks lap watching South Park and Mad Men, drinking port. The bad makes me appreciate the smell of my dogs paws (it really is a mix of all the grossness that they step in that makes them smell like popcorn, isn’t it?! eww). The bad makes me appreciate the sensation of a piece of smoked sea salt dissolving on my tongue, the aroma of roasted brussel sprouts with truffle oil, a long hot shower and friends that make you laugh til it pains you and then you laugh more, because you just can’t stop.

So, into all of our lives things bad things happen. Some of us are in foreclosure, some are facing homelessness, or are homeless, some are sick, and some will get better, some feel all alone even when surrounded by a room full of “friends and family”. This is life.  However, remember that life is also the wag of a dog’s tail, the glint in a 2 year old’s eye from across a bus or subway train, the way the chocolate feels as it melts in your mouth, the sound of autumn leaves under foot and .. one of my personal favorites, when the temperatures drop so drastically during a snow shower that the top layer is frozen crisp, as if the world is a giant creme brulee. I block out the world and I crunch crunch crunch down the street, through the grass, while cracking the higher crust with my fingers. I love it. I do.

Find the small things you love and be thankful for them. They make the big things, which you don’t love, diminish in size. Happy Thanksgiving.

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I’m watching The Road. The film leaves you unable to consider things other than the greater What If’s in our lives. Who would we die for, who would die for us, are the memories that serve us in times of  pain, fear and utter desolation real? Have they adjusted themselves to somehow serve some other purpose? False memories to comfort and soothe in times when we are unsure of everything that surrounds us.

There are moments of loneliness in longer term casual dating. Even in the greatest moments of heat, you are left in a tepid sort of aerial holding pattern. You can never get too lost in someone, but you are ensconced just enough to create the illusion that it is possible.

I have finally shaken off the gut ache that came from the dissolution of my affair with Cooper Fiennes. Do I have love for him? Por supuesto! Of course. I have been thinking a lot about why I found it safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with the man who was temporary, but have stayed at a distance from the one who is the archetype for boyfriend material; stable, kind, hardworking, dedicated, sweet and gentle. What is so wrong with that? Why does that translate to boring or less desirable? Why is stable and gentle a bad thing? Is it a lack of chemistry with Type Geek or a fear of actually committing to a relationship with a man and what that really means for my identity?

Straight girl? Lesbian? Bi? Queer? Who the fuck is this person I am inhabiting?

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6 months ago I started this blog with no idea where I would be in a week, let alone 6 months. I just wanted to start chronicling the journey. Surely I wasn’t the first gay woman to suddenly question her predilections, let alone act on her heterosexual curiosity. I remember thinking that I was going to generate a lot of back lash from the gay segment of my personal community. Interestingly enough, the hetero’s were the ones that were the most resistant. As if I had tasted something they hadn’t and subsequently I wasn’t allowed back in their house with my proverbially soiled feet. I almost lost one friendship with a friend of nearly 20 years, until I finally called him on his insecurities. Interestingly, some of the men in my life were angry. How could I, after that many years, suddenly jump the fence, without considering THEM an option. Many of them are married or partnered up, by the way. So, their egos were bruised. In the end, all friendships remain in tact and everyone is fine with, what now appears to be, my ho-hum, incident free crossing into this other country.

The one thing I haven’t settled on, however, is what am I defining myself as? Do I need to be defining myself? I don’t feel straight. I definitely no longer feel gay. Am I queer? If forced to make a verbal statement? I’m not sure.

At Pride last weekend, in conversation with my former neighbor, she told me about how many of her friends are now half-gay. Not bisexual, not gay, NOT straight but sorta in this ambiguous middle ground of mixed greys. Half-gay. Interesting.

Have any of you noticed a recent jump in your GLBT friends making changes in their predilections? Have you done so personally? Tell me your stories.

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My dance card is interesting these days. I have two great lovers and I’m just kinda doing my thing. I am still chatting up other people and getting to know people online, but as of yet, I haven’t been going on any new dates. It feels a little weird and I am not sure how a third could fit into my pleasant little world. 

I have had a slightly cute, but increasingly less interesting as the days went on, chat going on from one of the online sites, and I have been feeling overwhelmed as I over thought it all. First let me explain about the guy I was chatting with. He has that pseudo intellectual, as in non-skinny jean wearing, hipster musician/designer thing going. He wants to meet me, I have blown him off now twice, the more I thought about whether I could fit him into this mix of two boys, the more I was just feeling frazzled, PLUS, and I know this might seem weird and hypocritical coming from me,but,  he has had extensive experiences with men, and I find it slightly a turn off. He isn’t bisexual, he says. He is straight.  I guess maybe my turn off is a two-fold one. 1) gay male sex has never turned me on. Man on man action, hmm, pass. maybe because it is such an unknown, because I can’t wiggle into that equation. In lesbian sex, I have a place, in straight sex, I have found my place. As a woman though, I have no place in gay male sex. 2) I know he was a bottom and I like my men to top me a bit. Finding out he was bottom killed any mental hard on I was coming up with when I first saw his picture and profile. Sigh.  So, I keep canceling. He is now on vacation, so, if he contacts me when he gets back next week, we shall see how we are feeling.

How awful does this make me that I expect others not to judge my sexual past, but I appear to be judging his? Am I judging the past though? I really think it might be that I am afraid he would be incapable of being the type of dominate/aggressive male lover I like. Feedback people. What do you think?!

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