Archive for September, 2010

I woke, unrested, to a cold drizzle. Within a few minutes of being awake it was obvious I would have a headache settling in. Not the way to start a week, surely it isn’t. Now, I am sitting here,naked and refusing to start my day. My legs ar stretched up on my filing cabinet, laptop on thighs, hair a mess. Days like today I miss working for myself. I would be back in bed at this moment, curled around my dog, happily snoozing. I do that at Type Geek’s house too. If there is no reason to crawl out of bed, barring the coffee that I can go fetch from the kitchen (but he usually does, so I can stay in bed) and bring back with me, then I stay, under the covers, curled into the recesses of his neck, or back or chest.

Autumn is here and I guess, with that, comes my desire to settle into the comfort of something. It was only after I recognized that no one I was meeting on the dating sites was ever going to be perfect, that I was free to truly see how awesome Type Geek is. I knew he was cool, intelligent, witty, stylish in a way that appeals to me, and attractive in a quirky sense. Once I stopped measuring him up to Cooper Fiennes and the other “what ifs” on the sites, and actually started to let him in, I realized that, while far from perfect, he is truly an incredible person. He’s got “stuff” and surprise, I have tons of “stuff” of my own, it is called life and the emotional flotsam and jetsam that occurs from living it. Yes, his life/work balance sucks, he compartmentalizes and my dog can’t come in his car, and without severe begging, isn’t exactly loved in his place at all due to the kitty resident and her fear. Not perfect, but, when we are together and I am leaning against him at a bar, cafe, nightclub, or restaurant, or when I am sitting next to, or across from him at his apartment, the dust settles for me. The chatter of life is quiet then. Then, in those moments, with him is the only place I want to be. Does he feel the same? Does it matter if his words and emotions completely mirror mine or at least just make sense for him and why he chooses to spend what little free time he has currently, with me? If he is present when he is with me, that is all I can ask at this moment. Until I ask for more.

Back to the idea of perfection not existing; when is the perfect time to have a “where is this going” talk? I know that there is no perfect time, but surely there are bad times. I’m rolling it all through my head. My relationships with women were easier. I just assumed that if we hit week two of dating, that we had become girlfriends. For most lesbian relationships, the coupling happens with lightning quick speed. With heterosexual males, how does one maneuver that? The middle of October is 6 months that I have been hanging out with Type Geek, if he were a lesbian, she would be probably living with me already. I much prefer the sense of autonomy here, but I miss the knowing where I stand. My ex met a new girl, after nearly a year of being in a disastrously abusive relationship with a woman whom she “loved”. Now, after the 2nd week with this new girl, she is in LOVE like never before. Sigh. When I met her, she was telling all her friends after our first date that I was the one. She falls in love too easily. It disrupts her life. When things go badly she is encompassed by grief, even if it only lasted 3 months. There must be a happy medium I suspect.

Now comes my question. Do I ask him about the “us” before the mini-break he invited me on last night? Do I have the chat there, on the beach, looking all beachy and hot? Do I wait til we get back and I have thrown him his surprise promotion congrats party with all his friends and he realizes, wow, she is THAT awesome? I feel like burying my head in the sand, but that wont solve my problem. Help. When have you all had the talk or have you even had to and suddenly it just was, or wasnt? Student Driver seeks driving lesson… please assist.

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Now, I am no Bridget Jones and I surely don’t believe that a mini break equates love, however, I do lean towards someone liking you a heck of a lot if they want to fly you out to spend the weekend with them somewhere on the other coast. Type Geek has a month of travel ahead of him. This week alone he will be in the midwest and the east coast for a meeting and a conference. Then, upon returning, he is, within days, flying out to the west coast for another business trip. We had chatted about my coming down for a quick 36 hour trip to the Philly trip, but then today he mentioned that, while Philly is good… how about 3 days in So Cal? Well, that would just be horrible, especially considering that my “nieces”  and some of my closest friends live there. I was hoping to connect with an old friend in Philly, but that is close enough that I can actually plan a trip coming up to do so, San Diego is a more difficult one to muster.

When I travel to San Diego, it is to visit them and I stay in the guest room/office and thusly, I integrate into the daily lives of my friends and the girls. While this is wonderful, occasionally it can be taxing. With no solo adult time, no access to a personal vehicle or public transportation, it makes taking alone time difficult. This trip, if Type Geek and I are able to coordinate the schedules, will be an entirely different way of experiencing San Diego. Staying in a hotel, sleeping in, no schedules, sex and sunshine and cocktails. Yes, I will see my friends. I am trying to plan a dinner at their place so that Type Geek can experience really good Bavarian food. However, as wonderful as it will be to see them and the girls, it will be so wonderful to go back to a hotel room and get naked and curl up in a nice hotel bed with a nice naked man, rather than a mattress on the floor of an office across the hall from the rooms of two wonderfully loud and occasionally temper tantrum throwing little girls.

What I wonder:
Will he love my “nieces” as much as I do?
Will my friends and he like each other? ( These people are more “family” to me than my blood relatives, so in effect, this is like meeting my family)
Will we want to kill each other after hour 30? (we spent 30 hours and 2 nights together at his place one weekend…but, this is a potential 60 hours)
How will this effect what we are?

and lastly…

What ARE we, that he is now inviting me to come visit him on business trips?

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It’s highly unlikely that he is ACTUALLY seeing other people. The man rarely has any time. UNLESS, all the times that he says he is at the office working, he isn’t. That could be possible. It could be. I don’t think he is a flat-out liar though.

Does he talk to people still online? Probably yes. Most definitely.

Is asking my friend who lives nearby to keep an eye out in the hood for Type Geek and if there are other women that seem chummy… healthy or right? Probably not. While it doesn’t reach crazy girl area, it’s a stretch that I realized isn’t what you want to start healthy relationships on. (Did I use the r word just then?)

Besides, IF there is another one, what can I do? My question still isn’t properly answered, because the proper communication hasn’t occurred to begin with. So, I told my friend, that I changed my mind. Momentary lapse of premenstrual insecurity I said. That I would, in fact, muster up the courage to ask the right questions of him, I said. Truth is, his answers might not be what I want to hear. They might be messy and ugly. But, we are 35, if I can’t grow enough balls to tell someone that I want to be more of an us, rather than a you and a me, I have no place in the adult dating world.

Of course, it’s easy to say. We had an amazing night together on Thursday. We checked out an awesome rock dance band, had a great dinner, some really great sex and some good morning smooches. No breakfast though, I opted to spend the time getting him off, rather than feeding him. Some mornings scream for a grab n go snack in order to properly usher in the new day.

Perhaps I could have brought up the topic of what I am feeling on Thursday, or Friday. Today even. Sigh. I’m nervous. There isn’t a time that feels like the “right” time. The perfect time. I don’t want to make him feel pressured, I don’t want to stress him out. I don’t want to hear the possible rejection. He turned out to be more awesome than I originally thought, than I originally planned.

Today, I found a card at Whole Foods that said, “Anyone can be cool, but awesome takes practice.” I instantly thought of him, now, as I am home, I decided to look up the quote. I nearly pissed myself as I saw that the quote comes from  a devotional for teens. Jesus Christ, no shit. The website says the following: “If there’s one thing cool teens need to make that next step to awesome, it’s definitely reading books about the Lord and then working on a 13 week Lord-loving program to help them deal with their inabilities to be totally awesome.”

I think I have a whole new appreciation for Type Geek’s awesome-ness now. Apparently due to his sheer level of awesome-ness, which due to the epic heights of its reach, in the mind of Lorraine Peterson, he must be a religious experience. The oral sex IS pretty great. Maybe a small cult following would be fine. It appears that his design expertise already has some cultish fans, perhaps I can arrange for special privileges at the cult’s ranch compound in the desert; to have the man behind the experience, all to myself, for some special one on one user experience tutorials.

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