I woke, unrested, to a cold drizzle. Within a few minutes of being awake it was obvious I would have a headache settling in. Not the way to start a week, surely it isn’t. Now, I am sitting here,naked and refusing to start my day. My legs ar stretched up on my filing cabinet, laptop on thighs, hair a mess. Days like today I miss working for myself. I would be back in bed at this moment, curled around my dog, happily snoozing. I do that at Type Geek’s house too. If there is no reason to crawl out of bed, barring the coffee that I can go fetch from the kitchen (but he usually does, so I can stay in bed) and bring back with me, then I stay, under the covers, curled into the recesses of his neck, or back or chest.
Autumn is here and I guess, with that, comes my desire to settle into the comfort of something. It was only after I recognized that no one I was meeting on the dating sites was ever going to be perfect, that I was free to truly see how awesome Type Geek is. I knew he was cool, intelligent, witty, stylish in a way that appeals to me, and attractive in a quirky sense. Once I stopped measuring him up to Cooper Fiennes and the other “what ifs” on the sites, and actually started to let him in, I realized that, while far from perfect, he is truly an incredible person. He’s got “stuff” and surprise, I have tons of “stuff” of my own, it is called life and the emotional flotsam and jetsam that occurs from living it. Yes, his life/work balance sucks, he compartmentalizes and my dog can’t come in his car, and without severe begging, isn’t exactly loved in his place at all due to the kitty resident and her fear. Not perfect, but, when we are together and I am leaning against him at a bar, cafe, nightclub, or restaurant, or when I am sitting next to, or across from him at his apartment, the dust settles for me. The chatter of life is quiet then. Then, in those moments, with him is the only place I want to be. Does he feel the same? Does it matter if his words and emotions completely mirror mine or at least just make sense for him and why he chooses to spend what little free time he has currently, with me? If he is present when he is with me, that is all I can ask at this moment. Until I ask for more.
Back to the idea of perfection not existing; when is the perfect time to have a “where is this going” talk? I know that there is no perfect time, but surely there are bad times. I’m rolling it all through my head. My relationships with women were easier. I just assumed that if we hit week two of dating, that we had become girlfriends. For most lesbian relationships, the coupling happens with lightning quick speed. With heterosexual males, how does one maneuver that? The middle of October is 6 months that I have been hanging out with Type Geek, if he were a lesbian, she would be probably living with me already. I much prefer the sense of autonomy here, but I miss the knowing where I stand. My ex met a new girl, after nearly a year of being in a disastrously abusive relationship with a woman whom she “loved”. Now, after the 2nd week with this new girl, she is in LOVE like never before. Sigh. When I met her, she was telling all her friends after our first date that I was the one. She falls in love too easily. It disrupts her life. When things go badly she is encompassed by grief, even if it only lasted 3 months. There must be a happy medium I suspect.
Now comes my question. Do I ask him about the “us” before the mini-break he invited me on last night? Do I have the chat there, on the beach, looking all beachy and hot? Do I wait til we get back and I have thrown him his surprise promotion congrats party with all his friends and he realizes, wow, she is THAT awesome? I feel like burying my head in the sand, but that wont solve my problem. Help. When have you all had the talk or have you even had to and suddenly it just was, or wasnt? Student Driver seeks driving lesson… please assist.