Posts Tagged ‘ralph fiennes’

Apparently, when I am nervous, my lower lip and chin quiver slightly. This is what Type Geek told me during our almost break up. I later texted my hot ex girl friend, the screenwriter, and asked her and she confirmed. How have I not known this for 35 years? Type Geek told me not to join the CIA, I responded that it’s lucky for me than that I am into cooking instead of espionage.

So, yes, I did say almost break up. He’s been driving me nuts. NUTS. The comments, the card, the accolades I recently bestowed upon him had gone un discussed and avoided and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So, I forced a meeting with the need to pick up my video camera that had been living at his place. My friend needed it desperately for something, or that was how the story went. I started the frustration via text Saturday morning. By Saturday afternoon, we were essentially over. He just couldn’t offer anything and didn’t want to be responsable for hurting me. Therefore, any compromise was futile. I cried a lot. I drank a few overly sweet martini like cocktails and had wasabi rushes with my Foreigner. I’ve known him over a year now, odd. Odd also that he sent me on this crazy trip. I digress.

Type Geek and I agreed to meet at 3:30. I got there at 3:35. He was late and I sat my ass on the stoop freezing in the mid thirties weather. I harumphed and texted my friends, cursing that he couldn’t be there on time! He arrived 15 minutes late. I was awkward but cordial. Cold but tried to not act too chilly. I didn’t know what I was walking into. We sat at the dining table and made chit-chat for about 15 or 20 minutes before we both ceased to talk. I looked away, at the floor, my boots, the edge of the table, but not at him. I then said, “hmm, awkward silence there.” He responded that there wasn’t an awkward silence, to which I said that there was, on my end. That there is so much in the ether that needs to be discussed, so much that I don’t understand, pages we have skipped past and not addressed, until now, when it has become awkward because we are in two places and we need to bridge them or walk away, because the distance between is too stark, too cavernous and far too frightening to traverse. He asked what I wanted to say, I said that I felt I have said too much lately but that he has said so little. So he agreed to start. Super uber lenghty hmmm pause later, I asked if he needed a prompt. He said that would be helpful, as he didn’t know where to start.

I told him that yes, I am in love with him and yes, in an ideal scenario (i.e. one in which it is what he wants) I would love to be his girlfriend, BUT that my wants and my needs are different. My needs are to know three things. He nodded for me to go on.

  1. Do you want to continue to see me?
  • Response: Yes, of course.

      2.   Are you sleeping with anyone else?

  • Response: No, not since our first date, no one but you.

       3.  Can you agree to commit to a minimum of 2 actual scheduled dates a month, that you don’t cancel and that to others, you will say NO, if you are not sure or feel flakey about ability to commit to something, rather than saying yes and then disappointing me later.

  • Response: Yes, this is doable.

Then I had to argue for a half hour over whether he has the power card, which he doesn’t want. I say he doesn’t and that I am in control of whether he breaks my heart or not. I said, you may hurt my feelings, however, only I allow the decision to suffer to that degree. I am a big girl and I can handle being in love with someone who isn’t in love with me in return. Do you care about me, enjoy my company, and want to spend your spare time with me? Are you sexually attracted to me and not interested in anyone else or interested in pursuing anyone else? Ok. His argument is that every action he takes affects me. I responded that whether it is a sunny day or cloudy day affects me. Whether the train is late or on time. Whether a stranger says hello or curses at me for accidentally bumping into them. The world IS cause and effect. However HE does not hold as much power as he would like to think. He is only a man and I have the power to walk away if it isn’t working for me anymore. When it isn’t working for me anymore, I will use my power to leave. So, we agreed to disagree on this point. He thinks he has power. i say he doesn’t have the power he thinks he has.

So, what is his damage? Well, the same damage we all have. A relationship with a woman who strung him up for years, who is still meandering about and pestering him (not for any romantic reasons, just to be pestery), a new job and new role at new job that is super demanding and stressful, a family life in crazy overdrive for the last 6 months, and the regular fears of jumping into a new relationship and what that may mean. I get it. I know where he is. I was there for 4 years. Well, I was in a similar place. I didn’t date for 4 years. I had no sex drive. I proclaimed myself celibate, asexual even. I started a business and bought a condo, I lived like a hermit and shriveled up, hid away until I watched a lot of my friends give up reaching out. I wasn’t going to be ready to open the door to possibilities again, until I was ready. I didn’t know how it happened. I don’t remember the exact moment. I just realized one day that I saw the sun and I was, metaphorically speaking ( since I did go outside everyday ), standing outside with an open door behind me. It happened at its own pace.  

Now, where does this leave us? This leaves us with him kissing me as I stood against the dining table. With him agreeing that booty calls are acceptable ( I complained that , sometimes, I just want to get laid and go home because I have things to do, just like he does. So, I don’t always need to sleep over afterwards. I can go home after a date and sex. That way, we can wake up at our respective homes and start our days without the trappings of two people bumping into each other at 8 am). With us being us, but better, because we are now on the same page. I fessed up about THIS and the novel. No, he doesn’t have the url, he has not read it. I fessed up about the Cooper Fienes and how I was fucking both of them at first and how I kept him at arm’s length because I was seeing the other guy. Type Geek commented that perhaps that was best, until I said that no, I was bored then. I found him to be less than interesting and I wasn’t thrilled to hang out with him, until I stopped seeing Cooper Fienes and decided to give Type Geek a fair chance, to get to know him. Things weren’t best because I didn’t really like him then. Now, however, because I care about him and know him and his neurosis, I am not bored, I am engaged and enthralled and I adore him, which makes it worthwhile for me. He would not have lasted in my life behaving as he has, if I wasn’t in love with him and willing to sort out what the hell his brain has going on. So, to me, I feel like we are a couple, without the couple. We are sexually exclusive. We like each other, albeit I am in love with him and he finds me worthy and adorable and super cute, but isn’t ready for love. We enjoy spending time together and have tons of things in common. Do I need the title? No. Do I need to meet the family? No. I understand why he can’t include me in that equation now. I get it. Does spending the holidays alone SUCK? Yup. In the grand scheme of things though, I would rather have this with someone I adore with all my heart, than have the “traditional” all the trimmings relationship that lacks the one core ingredient… Type Geek.  What we ARE is more important than what we NAME it.

 After I got home I sat and thought over the crazy year and decided to blasted my Jewish Sex God a note commemorating our anniversary of last year’s rendezvous and thanking him for being that fine ambassador to all men everywhere. Then I sat down to write this post as I baked spicy stuff shells and drank Tempranillo.

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I’m watching The Road. The film leaves you unable to consider things other than the greater What If’s in our lives. Who would we die for, who would die for us, are the memories that serve us in times of  pain, fear and utter desolation real? Have they adjusted themselves to somehow serve some other purpose? False memories to comfort and soothe in times when we are unsure of everything that surrounds us.

There are moments of loneliness in longer term casual dating. Even in the greatest moments of heat, you are left in a tepid sort of aerial holding pattern. You can never get too lost in someone, but you are ensconced just enough to create the illusion that it is possible.

I have finally shaken off the gut ache that came from the dissolution of my affair with Cooper Fiennes. Do I have love for him? Por supuesto! Of course. I have been thinking a lot about why I found it safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with the man who was temporary, but have stayed at a distance from the one who is the archetype for boyfriend material; stable, kind, hardworking, dedicated, sweet and gentle. What is so wrong with that? Why does that translate to boring or less desirable? Why is stable and gentle a bad thing? Is it a lack of chemistry with Type Geek or a fear of actually committing to a relationship with a man and what that really means for my identity?

Straight girl? Lesbian? Bi? Queer? Who the fuck is this person I am inhabiting?

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A couple of nights ago, while feeling particularly bummed out by the current situation, I open my email to this bullshit:

The Five of Chalices card suggests that an element of suffering could be difficult to handle regardless of your ability to walk away from an unhealthy situation. Denial may be worn like a cloak to hide a fear of intimacy or feelings of vulnerability. Face unresolved issues, loss and emotional baggage. A sobering change, failure or good-bye may be inevitable, but you have reason to be grateful as well as disappointed. Taking a chance and confronting the issue could create an opportunity for reconciliation, commitment, marriage or support that has been waiting in the wings. The situation may actually strengthen the bonds in an existing relationship when a devoted partner or reliable alliance stands by your side throughout the ordeal. When you least expect it, you could find yourself happy again. Trust your heart and open yourself to forgiveness and romance.

Yeah Yeah, fuck you and your lessons tarot.com

Today my Tarot.com was even nicer and to the point…

The Devil card suggests that in an effort to satisfy your own longings, you could inadvertently hurt someone else or bring distress to your love life or relationship. Overcompensating for, or attempting to deny repressed personal issues or hang-ups could be blinding you to the consequences. Seeking instant gratification may not bring you any satisfaction, but may be more of a mask to cover past hurt, fear, guilt, secrets or rejection. Don’t be a victim

Ok, listen Tarot.com , I am not trying to be a victim here. Rather than beat around the esoteric bush… spell it out for me Tarot.com, who, what, where, when and why. Oh, maybe a HOW in there to. I am not dwelling, I am merely sad and trying to process that sadness as best as I can and in as healthy a manner as possible. I even tried to go for a run today. 3 miles. I died a little more than half way through and was laughed at by some pre adolescent kids as my dog had to drag my sorry ass home, sweating and heaving, but nonetheless, I did get out there! Speaking of, it is time to wash the funk off me and get ready to do some real work.

What does everyone have planned for their weeks? I have to work every night, so I may not have any posts until the weekend. Cooper Fiennes goes on his romantic getaway with the friend this weekend, I may opt for drinking Thursday – Sunday in order to get through it. Maybe it is awful and they realize, holy shit, what a mistake. I doubt this, although stranger things have happened.

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I can respect and appreciate calm personalities. There is a very appealing zen quality to it all. The reality is this… how much ass does a calm collected Buddhist Monk (he is not a B.M., I’m just using it as an example, btw) get versus a passionate excitable individual? Yes, I am talking about the difference between T.G. and C.F., again. I have a friend visiting from California and due to some rather obnoxious training scheduling with my new job, I have to work most of the time he is here, SO, my man Type Geek agreed to entertain him last night. However, I somehow made it out of work early and was able to meet up with both of them and enjoy the drinking fun at a local pub known for their beer list.It was a fun time, T.G. really liked my friend, my friend really liked T.G. and in the later hours I even received a message via text from Type Geek about how he would have really liked my naked body laying next to him. That was impressive of him to say, he is always so quiet and shy. I encouraged it by responding that I find it really HOT when he initiates or makes such aggressive comments. Hopefully he takes that lead a bit.

Type Geek is great, he IS, I don’t mean to say he isn’t. It is just… just. Have you ever had someone who would push you against buildings or into alcoves to kiss you passionately as you walked alongside them? Sigh, Cooper Fiennes did that, A LOT. I felt wanted and sexy, ALL of the time. Okay, I am a girl, so not ALL of the time, but MOST. He really made me feel desired, it was incredibly hot. With Type Geek, I wonder if I am his buddy and if I really turn him on, but then he is turned on and we have sex and weee, sorta. 9/10ths of sex for me is the stuff leading up to it. C.F. might not have made me cum, but he got me off psychologically. T.G. gets me off physically, but not always in my head.

Can you all chime in? Have you experienced this in your own lives? I know you readers are out there, I see the numbers and I know from where most of you come thanks to WordPress and it’s awesome “back end”.  Nice ass Word Press. 😉  So, c’mon, give a girl some feedback here once and a while.

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Seriously though, I get chatted up by someone who asks how I am doing, someone whom I have never met because he lives in another state and refuses to put pictures of himself on his profile. Let me first say this, if you are doing internet dating, get over yourself and include some fucking photos. If I won’t buy produce I can’t fondle first, I won’t date you if I can’t see you first. If you have an issue with that, join a dating site for the blind!

Now, as I was saying… he asked how I have been, I explained that I had just been dropped by someone who I was casually seeing who, a couple weeks prior, I was realizing that perhaps I was beginning to fall in love with, however, I didn’t say the “L” word to this person, I merely stated that I was realizing that I cared a bit more than casual. This man then wanted to bad mouth my Spaniard. Ok, step back. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was respectful, he was honest, he was apologetic and he cares about me very much, which is why he wasn’t a dick, plus he is just a genuinely AWESOME person. Cynics back off, these people exist, perhaps only in Spain, but they do exist.

I informed this guy on OkCupid that I intended to be friends with Cooper Fiennes and he felt that was impossible. I inquired as to why and he felt that you can’t be intimate with someone and then be friends. He continued by saying that C.F. would gush about his new love to me, I replied that he isn’t like that and that he was accepting and understanding as I set out my requests, which were that I have no contact with C.F. and the girl in question when they are together, or her in general, at least for the mean time, that it would be too difficult for me as I needed time to put my emotions at rest and heal the wound. That because she had something I cherished, him, I just needed a buffer time. OkC DBag then says, quite matter of factly, that I like CF way too much to be friends. If I need time to rest any emotions, it’s too much. Who is this guy? Any REAL connection creates intense feelings, which, like boiling water, will need time to cool once removed from the heat source. I’m still in that weird barely simmering point, after all, we were in a rolling boil weeks ago fucking in a rental car on the waterfront. My knee wound hasn’t healed yet, why should my heart in two days?! Jesus Christ Dbag. Anyway, my response was, I’m not an obsessed stalker, I care about him and think he’s an amazing person, I would like to remain friends with him after he moves back to Spain. I continued on that he wasn’t a dick the way he ended things and that regardless, things were going to end in January, except they would have ended on a much more fun, far more sexually charged woo hoo way, rather than my tears because he started to fall in love with his co-worker. OkC then said the thing that made me sign out immediately… “See, you are just too into him, that’s why you are trying to rationalize it all to me.” Umm, hey DBag, no, I was answering your questions. I then told him I was ending the conversation because he had his own definite opinions and I wasn’t going to have a  pointless debate with him over an intense and wonderful emotional connection I have and had with an intense and wonderful man. He tried to have a response, however my account was signing out as his screen popped up. Sayonara DBag. It’s been two fucking days since I had someone I cared about telling me that they needed to stop seeing me because they are falling in love with their friend. Umm, I’m not hanging out at coffee shops near his work for fucks sake. Armchair relationship guru’s who are cynics AND single… should take a look in the mirror before making recommendations or analysis of the health or normality of another individual’s interpersonal relationships .

Tips for life….

  1. Don’t get your hair cut/ colored by someone who has bad hair.
  2. If your nutritionist/dietician is overweight… get a new one.
  3. If all of your architect friends tell you to buy in an up and coming neighborhood…don’t , UNLESS they are actually buying too.
  4. If you can’t pronounce the science experiment, a.k.a ingredients , in what you want to drink or eat…  don’t put it in your mouth.
  5. If your shrink sees a shrink, who sees a shrink… get the number for the shrink’s shrink’s shrink, Don’t go to the one that is completely FUCKED.
  6. Don’t date a shrink…for so many reasons
  7. Don’t take dating and love advice from cynical, misanthropic, perpetually single, afraid to expose themselves and be vulnerable (no photo?!!), armchair DBags.
  8. Don’t take dating advice from me… I’m a lesbian who started dating men…I know that women are crazy (we are) and men are daft (you are). I know not much else. Oh wait…. umm… the meaning of life consists of stockings, jewish cock, good music and great food!

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I couldn’t be alone. I knew that my mind would wander, fixate, wander, fixate. Admitting out loud that I have perhaps begun to fall in love with Cooper Fiennes was a difficult thing. There was a moment, a couple of weeks ago. He had fallen asleep as I drove the car. I looked over at him, brushed his face with my hand and realized that there was no coming back. At that moment, I had decided to feel everything that was coming through me. I knew the risks with his co-worker. I knew the potential pain that laid out for me, if the winds shifted. So, when those winds did shift, and the tears flowed, I knew I wanted to be someplace safe, calm and sweet. For this, I feel like a terrible person.

I called Type Geek and told him that I was having a shitty day, that I didn’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t want to be alone. I asked if he would be willing to come pick me up. Even with detours, with construction and an early work call the next morning, he agreed. We curled up in his bed and slept peacefully. I had said that sex didn’t need to be on the table for the evening, in fact, I wasn’t in the mood. Instead, we lay there, naked and pseudo spooning. In the middle of the night I found myself yammering in my head, so I rose and surfed on the internet for a while. An hour later I crawled back into his bed and slept soundly.

Morning sex is one of my favorite things, especially when I have had sex the night before. However, unexpected morning sex is great, even if I hadn’t had sex the night before! I felt better upon waking. I was present and in the moment with Type Geek when the morning pets became longer caresses and then, oh geez, don’t you have to leave for work, oh my, guess we were having sex. Yay. (He doesn’t usually make sex a priority, so even weekday am quickies can be out of the question.) He wanted me on top, I squealed, ” in the light?!”, and threw him on top of me. Wait til I have a better core before you stick me, nude, in daylight. He is stepping it up a little lately, although he did seem a little lazy this particular morning. I headed home an hour later and was great, until I looked at my watch and realized that the time was right around when C.F. heads to work, would I run into him on the train? Thanks brain for taking me there.

This is all incredibly sad and I think that I am beginning to go through those emotions that you do after a loss. Shock (even though I knew), Disbelief (trying to have normal text banter only to realize you are committing emotional hari-kari), and Anger (not at him, but a bigger universal grrrumble).It’s a ride I chose to come on, and I am generally ok, but let me make a recommendation to everyone, Facebook “hide” buttons are your friend during times like this. While out of sight is not out of mind, it is at least helpful in keeping you from being that guy, or girl, or spends 6 hours on Facebook looking through all the new photos your recently ex-paramour just posted.

I digress, my point is… am I the biggest asshole ever for going to Type Geek’s house after getting dumped by Cooper Fiennes? Is that fair to him? I know that in a way, Type Geek is the Student Driver in this scenario, isn’t he? He is the one I would sometimes move plans with to hang with C.F., he was the one who wasn’t first choice.

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That is what he said, upon reading my email, upon finding himself overcome with tears from realizing that I had in fact started to fall in love with him and that he had just hurt me. Wow, did I just admit that. Yeah, I guess I did. I realized it a couple of weeks ago. That fact is neither here nor there. He needs to explore the possibility with this other woman, he needs to know what it could be.  We talked about this in person and I realized I was going to cry, so I politely, yet abruptly excused myself. I hugged him, kissed him on the cheek and walked off. Texts went back and forth, his begging me to forgive him, his apologizing for hurting me, asking me not to hate him. I finally emailed him because the texts weren’t explaining things, they weren’t saying what I needed to. I told him to read his email when he was alone. An hour later I received his response, speechless and in tears. An hour after that, he posted a Mando Diao song and I don’t know what to think of it. The video is below. The lyrics I will post below that.

Mando Diao : It’s not a perfect day

Well I saw her in a limousine
she smiled and hugged a man so tight
I stood there like a fool
and she was out of sight

She was lovely like a summer rose
I wanted her oh, so, near
but out from what I fear
that dream is gone and clear

and it’s not a perfect day for love
no it’s not a perfect day for loving her
it’s no perfect day for love
but I wish I could hold her once again

Oh darling can’t you see
I’m crying oh I’m crying hard
You stole my heart I know
please let’s move back to start
I want you how I need you
I’m begging on my bended knees
but I’m writing butter and life is not romantic

and it’s not a perfect day for love
no it’s not a perfect day for loving her
it’s no perfect day for love
but I wish I could hold her once again

Yes, I wish I could hold her once a gain
Yes, I wish I could hold her once again

What should I think about all of this? Who posts that after what happened?

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