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Apparently, when I am nervous, my lower lip and chin quiver slightly. This is what Type Geek told me during our almost break up. I later texted my hot ex girl friend, the screenwriter, and asked her and she confirmed. How have I not known this for 35 years? Type Geek told me not to join the CIA, I responded that it’s lucky for me than that I am into cooking instead of espionage.

So, yes, I did say almost break up. He’s been driving me nuts. NUTS. The comments, the card, the accolades I recently bestowed upon him had gone un discussed and avoided and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So, I forced a meeting with the need to pick up my video camera that had been living at his place. My friend needed it desperately for something, or that was how the story went. I started the frustration via text Saturday morning. By Saturday afternoon, we were essentially over. He just couldn’t offer anything and didn’t want to be responsable for hurting me. Therefore, any compromise was futile. I cried a lot. I drank a few overly sweet martini like cocktails and had wasabi rushes with my Foreigner. I’ve known him over a year now, odd. Odd also that he sent me on this crazy trip. I digress.

Type Geek and I agreed to meet at 3:30. I got there at 3:35. He was late and I sat my ass on the stoop freezing in the mid thirties weather. I harumphed and texted my friends, cursing that he couldn’t be there on time! He arrived 15 minutes late. I was awkward but cordial. Cold but tried to not act too chilly. I didn’t know what I was walking into. We sat at the dining table and made chit-chat for about 15 or 20 minutes before we both ceased to talk. I looked away, at the floor, my boots, the edge of the table, but not at him. I then said, “hmm, awkward silence there.” He responded that there wasn’t an awkward silence, to which I said that there was, on my end. That there is so much in the ether that needs to be discussed, so much that I don’t understand, pages we have skipped past and not addressed, until now, when it has become awkward because we are in two places and we need to bridge them or walk away, because the distance between is too stark, too cavernous and far too frightening to traverse. He asked what I wanted to say, I said that I felt I have said too much lately but that he has said so little. So he agreed to start. Super uber lenghty hmmm pause later, I asked if he needed a prompt. He said that would be helpful, as he didn’t know where to start.

I told him that yes, I am in love with him and yes, in an ideal scenario (i.e. one in which it is what he wants) I would love to be his girlfriend, BUT that my wants and my needs are different. My needs are to know three things. He nodded for me to go on.

  1. Do you want to continue to see me?
  • Response: Yes, of course.

      2.   Are you sleeping with anyone else?

  • Response: No, not since our first date, no one but you.

       3.  Can you agree to commit to a minimum of 2 actual scheduled dates a month, that you don’t cancel and that to others, you will say NO, if you are not sure or feel flakey about ability to commit to something, rather than saying yes and then disappointing me later.

  • Response: Yes, this is doable.

Then I had to argue for a half hour over whether he has the power card, which he doesn’t want. I say he doesn’t and that I am in control of whether he breaks my heart or not. I said, you may hurt my feelings, however, only I allow the decision to suffer to that degree. I am a big girl and I can handle being in love with someone who isn’t in love with me in return. Do you care about me, enjoy my company, and want to spend your spare time with me? Are you sexually attracted to me and not interested in anyone else or interested in pursuing anyone else? Ok. His argument is that every action he takes affects me. I responded that whether it is a sunny day or cloudy day affects me. Whether the train is late or on time. Whether a stranger says hello or curses at me for accidentally bumping into them. The world IS cause and effect. However HE does not hold as much power as he would like to think. He is only a man and I have the power to walk away if it isn’t working for me anymore. When it isn’t working for me anymore, I will use my power to leave. So, we agreed to disagree on this point. He thinks he has power. i say he doesn’t have the power he thinks he has.

So, what is his damage? Well, the same damage we all have. A relationship with a woman who strung him up for years, who is still meandering about and pestering him (not for any romantic reasons, just to be pestery), a new job and new role at new job that is super demanding and stressful, a family life in crazy overdrive for the last 6 months, and the regular fears of jumping into a new relationship and what that may mean. I get it. I know where he is. I was there for 4 years. Well, I was in a similar place. I didn’t date for 4 years. I had no sex drive. I proclaimed myself celibate, asexual even. I started a business and bought a condo, I lived like a hermit and shriveled up, hid away until I watched a lot of my friends give up reaching out. I wasn’t going to be ready to open the door to possibilities again, until I was ready. I didn’t know how it happened. I don’t remember the exact moment. I just realized one day that I saw the sun and I was, metaphorically speaking ( since I did go outside everyday ), standing outside with an open door behind me. It happened at its own pace.  

Now, where does this leave us? This leaves us with him kissing me as I stood against the dining table. With him agreeing that booty calls are acceptable ( I complained that , sometimes, I just want to get laid and go home because I have things to do, just like he does. So, I don’t always need to sleep over afterwards. I can go home after a date and sex. That way, we can wake up at our respective homes and start our days without the trappings of two people bumping into each other at 8 am). With us being us, but better, because we are now on the same page. I fessed up about THIS and the novel. No, he doesn’t have the url, he has not read it. I fessed up about the Cooper Fienes and how I was fucking both of them at first and how I kept him at arm’s length because I was seeing the other guy. Type Geek commented that perhaps that was best, until I said that no, I was bored then. I found him to be less than interesting and I wasn’t thrilled to hang out with him, until I stopped seeing Cooper Fienes and decided to give Type Geek a fair chance, to get to know him. Things weren’t best because I didn’t really like him then. Now, however, because I care about him and know him and his neurosis, I am not bored, I am engaged and enthralled and I adore him, which makes it worthwhile for me. He would not have lasted in my life behaving as he has, if I wasn’t in love with him and willing to sort out what the hell his brain has going on. So, to me, I feel like we are a couple, without the couple. We are sexually exclusive. We like each other, albeit I am in love with him and he finds me worthy and adorable and super cute, but isn’t ready for love. We enjoy spending time together and have tons of things in common. Do I need the title? No. Do I need to meet the family? No. I understand why he can’t include me in that equation now. I get it. Does spending the holidays alone SUCK? Yup. In the grand scheme of things though, I would rather have this with someone I adore with all my heart, than have the “traditional” all the trimmings relationship that lacks the one core ingredient… Type Geek.  What we ARE is more important than what we NAME it.

 After I got home I sat and thought over the crazy year and decided to blasted my Jewish Sex God a note commemorating our anniversary of last year’s rendezvous and thanking him for being that fine ambassador to all men everywhere. Then I sat down to write this post as I baked spicy stuff shells and drank Tempranillo.

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Ok, so weekday morning sex is difficult. I get it. I understand. The alarm goes off, we hit snooze, next thing you know, Type Geek was supposed to have left his house already to manage the long ass drive to work..in another state. Seriously, what is with the working in another state thing?! Luckily he works from home a LOT, so he doesn’t do this every day. Okay, let me back up a little.

Type Geek and I have been having problems getting together ever since he got back. There was work crisis, then brother crisis, then both. Finally, he nailed it down and said… Wednesday night? To which I said… Wednesday night! I made an INSANELY amazing gazpacho on Tuesday night and was planning on bringing that for dinner the next day. Always make gazpacho ahead of time. Making it ahead of time allows all of the flavors to merge. Mmmm, nom nom.

On Wednesday I had a few errands to run. I had a client and an interview at a restaurant. The recession has been hard on my business and it is failing swiftly. The housing market has also killed me, so I have begun to drown in the financial murky depths of near poverty. I have been looking for a job for some time, but there have been few, if any, bites. I finally decided that I need to bite the bullet and get back into the hospitality business. Therefore, I have been trying for server positions at some higher end foodie type restaurants. Wish me luck, I need it. Anyway, as I was saying, I had my errands and then I needed to get home and figure out the dog situation. IF I go to Type Geek’s house early, I have to bring the dog, if I go later… I miss out on awake time. Hmm, decisions, decisions. So, I won a second interview for next week at the restaurant, I picked up razors so I could do a shave before heading out, and OH, I ran into the cafe owner I went out on a date with months ago. I was in grabbing coffee at one of his shops and he was standing next to me, not noticing me. I nudged him and we started chatting and headed outside for a chat. He started asking my advice about this gal he has been dating. Cute, sexy, Jewish, BUT… he’s not ready for love. She doesn’t stop him in his tracks. However, he is afraid, by the way she has behaved, the things she has said, that she sees HIM as her future Mister. He wanted to know if I thought he should preemptively dump her. I suggested he talk to her about their status and his need to remain casual due to his history of being a serial monogamist for all the wrong reasons. Will he take my advice? Only time will tell. So, that was my day.

I got home later than I hoped, which automatically made the decision of dog or no dog, a no dog vote. By the time I left my house, the pup would only be alone for her average 10 hour night-time sleep cycle. She likes her sleep. Sometimes I need to drag her out of bed for her first pee in the morning or afternoon, as is SOMETIMES the case. Too funny. So, I finished getting ready, grabbed all my gear, the kickass gazpacho, clothes for the following morning and the head tingler I recently bought (seriously, just google it. AMAZING), before heading out the door. He picked me up on the corner close to the train station and we ran to the closest Whole Foods for a couple of things to finish my soup… namely, tiger shrimp, avocado, creme fraiche and lemon. He picked up salad fixings. Oh, and we grabbed a box of those Mary’s Gone Crackers… the herb flavor. Try them!

A half hour later we were both in the kitchen doing our things and 20 minutes later we were eating fresh fig stuffed burrata, a smoky mango gazpacho with lemon garlic tiger shrimp and topped with an avocado lemon zest creme fraiche. Mmm, I rock. I must also acknowledge that Type Geek makes a pretty good vinaigrette and his salad was damn yummy. Meal and conversation done, a glass of wine and further chatting post dinner, and then like an old married couple, we retired to the bedroom in a comfortable, yet YAWN, kind of boring manner. I’m like, wait, are you SERIOUSLY tucked under the covers already? Hello with the ravaging, where is the ravaging?! Sigh. Alas, the mid thirties and realities of life and midweek responsibilities have smacked us hard across our naughtiness. Oh well. We had nice comfortable couple like sex. YAWN. Then we went to bed.

Alarm, snooze. Alarm, snooze. Snoooooze. OH SHIT. When someone wakes up and says ,”Fuck Me” after looking at the clock, it generally ISN’T the way you would like to think. Sleep? Sex? Sleep? Sex? Ok, we are apparently old, sleep won out. Again. So, he jumped in the shower while I made coffee and threw together some local fruit, local honey and greek style yogurt for us. I added some Dorset Muesli to his (I’m sadly allergic. Sigh, it’s good stuff) and set the bowls down as he came in and poured our coffee. Yes, I like how comfortable we are, BUT, should we be THIS comfortable? Hmm.

I’ll see him this weekend, he is DJ’ing an event as a favor for me and then we are headed out to a birthday party for a friend of his. Hmm, do guys normally invite casual sexual gal pals to friend’s 40th b-day surprise shindigs? Should I be thinking uh-oh and complications? Hmm. This post had a lot of HMMS. Sigh.

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Things have been quiet and so serious here lately, haven’t they? The dating has fallen by the wayside the last few weeks. I own a business and I have been very preoccupied with buying inventory for an upcoming event. It’s one of those yearly events that just always catches me by surprise. Suddenly its three weeks away and I am freaking out, calling vendors and apologizing and kissing the ass of my UPS guy to ensure I get all my packages in time for the event. Then its two weeks away and I’m realizing I don’t have a banner and some of the things I used in past years for display, just won’t cut it if I want a seemless professional presentation. One week away and the day I schedule to ransack the retail shops is Easter. My barista friend has a huge car and a huge heart and is willing to spend his day off driving me all over this godforsaken state. I called ahead, I really did. Of the planned shops to visit, two were open. One had two items I could grab and the other was out of the bookshelves I needed. Shit Shit Shit. So, I spent 7 hours and 6 towns to go to 2 stores and get only some of the things I needed. The other stores, they closed early because it was slow. No shit, that’s why I was shopping that day, because it was going to be quiet! Sigh. Why does ONE religion and the celebration of it’s holidays create such a ripple effect across state and federal levels? We don’t close down stores for Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, or Pagan holidays, then WHY do we shut down shop for Jesus? I question in a bad economy, whether having stores open later on Easter Sunday is wise. I personally watched 15 cars pull in and out of Home Depot as we had, after realizing they were closed, without a sign stating that they were shutting up early for the holiday. Some people do church and some people do brunch on Easter Sunday and after that, they try to escape the family clenches and run their errands before the start of the week, only to be shot down by a locked door. Sigh. This may offend, and I do not intend for it to offend any of my faith-based readers, however, IF someone is dead and raises from the dead… isn’t that stuff out of George Romero films? Isn’t that Shaun of the Dead action there? Wouldn’t that have made Jesus a zombie? Zombies are cool, but hey, a consumerist holiday surrounding the consumption of large amounts of genetically modified high fructose corn syrup and artificial dye filled snacks, all hiding under the guise of a zombie? I’m not buying it. (For full disclosure, I believe Jesus was a prophet, as were so many others. Do I believe that the spiritual world begins and ends with him, no, I most certainly do not. I do respect those who put their faith there however. Find your happiness and your spiritual contentment wherever you may, as long as it provides peace, acceptance, understanding and love to ALL)

Now,  because of all of this chaos with getting ready for my event, I just haven’t had time to go out on any dates. I had two gentlemen on the back-burner for the weekend, IF I had time, but I just didn’t. I have a home waxing kit for the legs, just no time. I haven’t had time to tweeze my eyebrows even. I did however give up sugar AND I told french fries that I needed a break in our long-standing relationship. My winter diet subsided on a lot of stress, sugar, french fries and some moderate , and at times, not so moderate, amounts of alcohol. Time for some healthier decision-making on what goes into the body. The reality of any thing tiny and strappy right now, I shudder to think. Shudder to Think is an amazing band by the way. They did the soundtrack for High Art. Quite awesome.

When I am stressed and trying to work through an event or project, I get overwhelmed mentally and tangenty, as can be seen above. Maybe some hotties will come into my booth this weekend. Maybe someone wickedly adorable will flirt me up and ask for my number, how AWFUL would that be? 😉

Tuesday posts are web syndicated by www.thenewgay.net Your source for intelligent queer media.

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