Starting to date again after falling in love with someone and then breaking up, well it just sucks. I am trying to get out there, trying to meet people, flirt, find some inkling of excitement in the prospect of new people and experiences, at a time when all I want some nights is to curl up into the warm soft space of Type Geek’s shoulder or chest or belly and find myself falling asleep. Big dramatic sigh.
Now, I went out with the Daddy WireFramer whose self-esteem issues had me completely turned off, I had sex with my Internet Skype guy, and I have been chatting with a few others on-line. It’s an interesting array of men, but all have a similar thread, appreciation for food. There is the Pac NW/NYC Foodie, the Real Estate Foodie, the Media Tech Getaway guy, and the Doggie Dad who just seems sweet. He’s older than I usually go, but I’m not expecting to fall in love here, I am trying to give my heart some room so that it can heal itself. This includes distracting myself in moments when I am finding myself reminiscing woefully. Last night I did this by playing a game with two different men, the foodies. The game was a little… Would you…Either/Or?
The men would ask me 2 questions and I would need to answer 1, then I would ask 2 questions and they would answer 1. The questions ran from mild to naughty, from topical to highly inquisitive. Did it drive me closer to any of them? Not really. It did however bring me closer to sleep, closer to a sheer exhaustion that had me less restless, less consumed by the loss I feel without Type Geek. I miss his voice, his touch, his laugh. I know, he hasn’t been that for a very long time, yet I miss him, and those moments regardless.
So, at 3:33 am, I find myself gamed out, and ready for sleep. 2 miles from Type Geek but worlds apart. I miss him and getting out there and trying to date only makes me more aware of what I have lost. The games with the other men, they are just that, meaningless games. Maybe someday the games will become more serious and I will find a worthy opponent, even if he isn’t that 5’8″ bald workaholic with an adorable tush and a palate worth creating culinary masterpieces for whom I fell in love with in 2010.