When we fall in love, when we surpass the weeee of it and step back, looking at the person, catalog their flaws and scars and realize that not only are we “in love” with them, but that we can honestly, love them with each of these flaws. That each body scar, each soul scar, is just a spice that has gone into the entire dish. Without each element, this gorgeously flawed man or woman wouldn’t be who they are, who we LOVE.
Now, what comes after we realize this? After we put our heart out there and ask for nothing in return, except respect. What happens when the respect goes out the window because the individual of our love, is so terrified by this love, that they do everything in their strength to make themselves so despicable that there is no way you could possibly continue to love them. If it was as simple as they didn’t like you, didn’t care, and just wanted a piece of ass, they would have dumped you months ago. Why the elaborate ruse? Why put that much effort into making the worst of two decisions?
10 months ago I met him, Type Geek. At first I was unenthused. He was interesting, but also, he seemed to lack depth, until I dug deeper. When I stopped seeing Cooper Fiennes I had considered bringing some other men into the fold, but then I considered it unfair to Type Geek. In side by side comparison he didn’t fare well. He was a workaholic who rarely let you in. He was shorter than what I was “looking for”. Bald, when I wanted hair to run my fingers through. A cat owner, when I hoped for someone to fall in love with my dog. For some reason, I decided that I would give him some solo Type Geek time, to see if the gem would sparkle on its own.
I’m not sure the moment I realized that I was in over my head, that I was suddenly facing a future I hadn’t planned for. When I was in his arms, when his face was beside mine, I had the sense of finding my way home. I could close my eyes and see into the future, imagine making him dinner for years to come, sharing a bed, sharing a life. Only, at some point he stopped sharing, he started erasing, with vigor.
The exhaustion has set in, I have cried myself to sleep too many nights in confusion, and I have come to realize that I have reached that point where if I continue on this path as it is, I do not deserve my own self respect. 6 days ago I left my last text. 5 days ago he texted me, telling me that , indeed, we should fuck soon. I didn’t respond. Is he back now? From his trip to wherever it is he truly went? It would seem so. Will I hear from him? At some point, I think. My presence is all over his apartment. He can’t ignore my existence forever. Will he realize his wrong doings? Quite possibly he already knows what they are, but that they are part of his plan. If I leave because I can’t handle it anymore, he hasn’t had to break my heart by dumping me. I once told him that he didn’t hold the power to break my heart, to hurt me yes, but to break my heart, no. Was that a challenge in his mind?
So, I ask all of you to send me super human strength, to keep me from texting him, from emailing him, because I miss him and the sound of his voice. Not the him that is being an utter ass, but the him that is truly behind all of the nonsense. The him that I love. The man who hides behind the boy.
10 months ago we said hello. How many days before we say goodbye?