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Posts Tagged ‘Buddhist’

Apparently I am spineless with no will power or I am a master of the Buddhist art of forgiveness and letting go. I went over last night. I was mad. I said no, no, no. Then I realized, who am I really hurting here? Am I going to benefit myself here at all by being bratty and “punishing” him by staying home? No. We need to have a talk, yes. But things aren’t changing between now and then. Increasing intimacy by withholding sex because I feel ignored, well, it is only going to lead to him ignoring me more. It is NOT going to increase intimacy. At the end of the day, I do need to ask this… WHO did he ask over? Was it someone else? No, it was me. He has a shitty way of showing he cares, he is a moron with regards to common sense acceptable behaviors (ahem, photo on OkCupid) and his online trolling habit is ANNOYING, but, at the end of the day, when he has the time after a business trip, I am the one he wants in his bed. This has to account for something. It doesn’t resolve the issues, and it certainly doesn’t make our need for a conversation about all of this any less urgent, but, it does show that he is choosing me. sorta.

By the way, the sex last night ROCKED!!!

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I can respect and appreciate calm personalities. There is a very appealing zen quality to it all. The reality is this… how much ass does a calm collected Buddhist Monk (he is not a B.M., I’m just using it as an example, btw) get versus a passionate excitable individual? Yes, I am talking about the difference between T.G. and C.F., again. I have a friend visiting from California and due to some rather obnoxious training scheduling with my new job, I have to work most of the time he is here, SO, my man Type Geek agreed to entertain him last night. However, I somehow made it out of work early and was able to meet up with both of them and enjoy the drinking fun at a local pub known for their beer list.It was a fun time, T.G. really liked my friend, my friend really liked T.G. and in the later hours I even received a message via text from Type Geek about how he would have really liked my naked body laying next to him. That was impressive of him to say, he is always so quiet and shy. I encouraged it by responding that I find it really HOT when he initiates or makes such aggressive comments. Hopefully he takes that lead a bit.

Type Geek is great, he IS, I don’t mean to say he isn’t. It is just… just. Have you ever had someone who would push you against buildings or into alcoves to kiss you passionately as you walked alongside them? Sigh, Cooper Fiennes did that, A LOT. I felt wanted and sexy, ALL of the time. Okay, I am a girl, so not ALL of the time, but MOST. He really made me feel desired, it was incredibly hot. With Type Geek, I wonder if I am his buddy and if I really turn him on, but then he is turned on and we have sex and weee, sorta. 9/10ths of sex for me is the stuff leading up to it. C.F. might not have made me cum, but he got me off psychologically. T.G. gets me off physically, but not always in my head.

Can you all chime in? Have you experienced this in your own lives? I know you readers are out there, I see the numbers and I know from where most of you come thanks to WordPress and it’s awesome “back end”.¬† Nice ass Word Press. ūüėȬ† So, c’mon, give a girl some feedback here once and a while.

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Things have been quiet and so serious here lately, haven’t they? The dating has fallen by the wayside the last few weeks.¬†I own a business and¬†I have been very preoccupied with buying inventory¬†for an upcoming event. It’s one of those yearly events that just always catches me by surprise. Suddenly its three weeks¬†away and¬†I am freaking out, calling vendors and apologizing and kissing the ass of my¬†UPS guy to ensure I get all my packages in time for the event. Then its two weeks away and I’m realizing¬†I don’t have¬†a banner and some of the things I used in past years for display, just won’t cut it if I want a seemless professional¬†presentation.¬†One week away and the day I schedule to ransack the retail shops is Easter. My barista friend has a huge car and a huge heart and is willing to spend his day off driving me all over this godforsaken¬†state. I called ahead, I really did. Of the planned shops to visit, two were open. One had two items I could grab and the other was out of the bookshelves I needed. Shit Shit¬†Shit. So, I spent 7 hours and¬†6 towns to go to 2 stores and get only some of the things I needed. The other stores, they closed early because it was slow. No shit, that’s why I was shopping that day, because it was going to be quiet! Sigh. Why does ONE religion¬†and the celebration of it’s holidays create such a ripple effect across state and federal levels? We don’t close down stores for Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, or Pagan holidays, then WHY do we shut down shop for Jesus? I question in a bad economy, whether¬†having stores open later on Easter Sunday is wise. I personally¬†watched 15 cars pull in and out of Home Depot as we had, after realizing they were closed, without a¬†sign stating that they were¬†shutting up¬†early for the holiday. Some people do church and some people do brunch on Easter Sunday and after that, they try to escape the¬†family clenches and run their¬†errands before the start of the week, only to be¬†shot down by a locked door. Sigh. This may offend, and I do not intend for it to offend any of my¬†faith-based¬†readers, however, IF someone is dead and raises from the dead… isn’t that stuff out of George Romero films? Isn’t that Shaun of the Dead action there? Wouldn’t that have made Jesus a zombie? Zombies are cool, but hey, a consumerist holiday surrounding the consumption of large amounts of¬†genetically modified high fructose corn syrup and artificial dye filled snacks, all hiding under the guise of a¬†zombie? I’m not buying it. (For full disclosure, I believe Jesus was a¬†prophet, as were so many others. Do I believe that the¬†spiritual world begins and ends with him, no, I most certainly do not. I do respect those who put their faith there however. Find your happiness and your¬†spiritual contentment wherever¬†you may, as long as it provides peace, acceptance, understanding and love to ALL)

Now,¬†¬†because of all of this chaos with getting ready for my event,¬†I just haven’t had time to go out on any dates. I had two gentlemen on the back-burner¬†for the weekend, IF I had time, but I just didn’t. I have a home waxing kit for the legs, just no time. I haven’t had time to tweeze¬†my eyebrows even. I did however give up sugar AND I told french fries that I needed a break in our long-standing¬†relationship. My winter diet subsided on a lot of stress, sugar, french fries and some moderate , and at times, not so moderate, amounts of alcohol. Time for some healthier decision-making¬†on what goes into the body. The reality of any thing tiny and strappy¬†right now, I shudder to think. Shudder to Think is an amazing band by the way. They did the soundtrack for High Art. Quite awesome.

When I am stressed and trying to work through an event or project, I get overwhelmed mentally and tangenty, as can be seen above. Maybe some hotties will come into my booth this weekend. Maybe someone wickedly adorable¬†will flirt me up and ask for my number, how AWFUL would that be? ūüėČ

Tuesday posts are web syndicated by www.thenewgay.net Your source for intelligent queer media.

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My internal GPS is a little off these days. It seems that there are a lot of roads under construction and I haven’t yet updated the latest maps. In the 3 months since I started this site many things have happened. I have dated brothers, accidentally. I have been thrown out of a mall for making out with a 20 something kid, on a bench at 2 am, like horny teenagers. I’ve been stood up, stuck with the tab, and gone to 3rd base more times than I had in the last 4 years. I have figured out what I like and don’t like in men and in doing that, realized a bit more about what i did and didn’t like about loving women. I have also figured out some things about myself.

The big question right now is one of direction. While I haven’t officially stopped seeing other men, I haven’t been going out with them. I have lost interest in the chase, because in the end, it’s a lot of work for little reward. I enjoy hanging out with Brooklyn, regardless of what we do. Regardless if nudity and/or passionate making out is involved. I enjoy occupying the same physical space as him and just sitting. I am able to achieve an almost meditative calm with him that I can’t achieve at a Buddhist center in a structured session of sitting. So, where is this blog going? How do I bring the edge back? The humor? I realize that life is a series of moments and not all moments are filled with hilarity but that is why you all tune in, no? If you wanted bad romance, you would rent a copy of The Notebook and eat Haagen Daaz.

The last month has been interesting. Healing, in a lot of ways. Frustrating, in others. Trying to navigate the waters of this man’s personal river of separation, children, soon to be ex wife, and issues surrounding relationships and sex has been unlike anything I have experienced. I would love to hear from people out there who have experienced similar things. Perhaps you dated a divorcee with kids? Perhaps you are the ex wife; what were you feeling when he first started dating someone new? Maybe you are the dad, recently separated and moving on with your life. What were you feeling when you met someone new who you were really interested in? How did this factor into your life? Where there funny moments? Difficult moments? Please share your stories. Thanks everyone for hanging out with me and keeping me company on this journey.

Tuesday posts are web syndicated by http://www.thenewgay.net

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I have a touch of the uck¬†today. A low-grade¬†fever, stomach that is ever so slightly off, and a general feeling of malaise. Not pleased. I have¬†postponed¬†my date with the young Straight Edge Artist for tomorrow evening, we were going to meet at a contemporary art museum in the evening, because I want to lay in bed and feel¬†healthy¬†for my date with Future Lawyer on Friday night.¬†It isn’t a hot date where we hit the town. I suggested a low-key¬†evening in at his place, some Pho, some Netflix¬†and a¬†solid chance¬†of making out. I asked myself whether I would sleep with him, IF I¬†were getting waxed¬†this week. Potentially, yes.¬†However, it’s only been a week that we’ve really known each other. But,¬†I think I have decided that it is okay to be¬†casually¬†sexual with a couple people at once as long as A) safe sex, and B) no one thinks that sex makes you exclusive. My blueberry soda loving childhood fireman, the Musician/Artist/Assoc Prod is back in town this weekend and we have plans next week to check out a great Italian foreign film and grab a cocktail. I kissed him on a street corner. I want to see if there is a potential for more chemistry there, or if it was a just momentary ambush of lips over judgement. So, these are the things I am mulling about in my feverish mind.

I was looking through some of my old writing tonight as I down my Odwalla C Monster. I came across something from 2008 that I had written after awaking one morning from dreams about the man I had loved so intensely in my early 20’s.

Strange dreams

I woke this morning from a dream that haunted my entire day. I am 34…nearly. I have dated women exclusively for a decade. Prior to that I knew I was attracted to women from the time I was 17. However, I hadn’t realized my ho-hum YAWN feelings towards the men I dated or had…what some elders might refer to as …”relations” with meant that I was gay. It never crossed my mind. Until it did.¬†
 
Funny that I dream of him. I am gay. To some of you, many of you, you may not understand how a woman can say she is gay but admit relations and a past love for a man. It is simple, you have your preference or leanings and then, if you believe in eastern philosophies at all, well then… it opens the world to confusion. As an eastern follower and someone who believes in reincarnation… how can I say that a soul partner will only come back as a man or a woman or a human for that matter. Now when I say that, a soul partner does not mean a lover per se. We can be¬†blessed in our lives with connections that are unexplainable and¬†wonderous¬†…. we just feel in our bones that these individuals, whether human or animal, have been intertwined with us before. The love I had for that man from a decade ago does still haunt me. I have a photo of him which I shot on one of the first nights we truly saw each other. Perhaps it was even that first night. He said it was the only photo that ever really captured him. When I look at it now it feels as if he looks right into me. Still.
 
I do not dream. At least, I never remember any of my dreams. A handful in 34 years. That is all. I remember one from when I was 14, one from the weeks after my dog passed several years ago, and this one. This dream was about him. The him that sprung into my life, like¬†an odd flat note in a song. At first it seems out-of-place and just wrong… then you keep listening and your ear realizes that the flat note is the unique piece that makes the song.

3 months… secrecy. No one knew. Okay, 4 or 5 people knew. The rest we hid it from because we worked together and didn’t want the drama. We didn’t like each other¬†when we met. I found him twitchy, pale, arrogant in a way that was pedestrian. He thought I was “just a bird”. See, that is what I mean. What white american midwestern male uses the term “bird” as if he’s a self¬†righteous¬†Brit? We dealt with each other. Humored each other’s¬†diatribes until one day when someone mentioned that I¬†followed eastern philosophies as well, that I was¬†Hindu, and with that, he looked as¬†if he had just discovered something new on a road he¬†always traveled, and¬†he mentioned that he was Buddhist. We raised eyebrows at the other¬†and from then on, we¬†began to listen to each other. One night we had a movie and take out night at his apartment… three of us from work. The one with the crush on me grew tired and decided to sleep on the couch. How polite to leave me with the floor. At this point¬†Mr Twitchy and I were finding common ground but still nowhere close to great pals. He was polite enough to offer space in his bed, with no intentions. Seriously, there were no intentions and it was a California King. A HUGE BED. We slept and in the early morning hours we suddenly awoke¬†at the same time, facing each other, our eyes locked. I felt infinite. I knew then that he and I had a connection older than us. We continued to stare at each other until eventually it became an embrace. 3 months.

3 months and then he met a woman in a bar, she pursued him relentlessly and he dumped me unapologetically in a note on my door, days after my birthday. I remember knowing deep down but laying in bed alone and praying for him to “just please not marry her”. Yes, they married. I think they are still married. I am not sure. I moved from that place the following year and while he is in my thoughts, I have not seen him since I left that town.

I have had a fair share of disillusionment, monotony, indifference and settling in my life when it comes to romantic and/or sexual relationships. A few times I have been left feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me. This man came in and out of my life so swiftly and briefly, yet he imbedded himself deep within me. I think about him often, even now. I know that our relationship was not meant to be one of permanence. It was Woody Allen, The Pogues, Bushmills and stouts. Existential dilemmas, dissatisfaction, late night converging on a mutual cynicism and dissatisfaction with the world. For three months though, we loved each other madly and it was us, secretly tucked away from the rest of the world. 

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