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Posts Tagged ‘new years eve’

I woke today with the giggles of two young girls crawling into my bed. 3 and 7, my “nieces” are the most incredible children I have known. It was 70 degrees at 9 am when they slowly opened the door and ran under the covers. My best friends were asleep and it was sweet perfection for the half hour  that the girls and I laid in bed chatting. While my friends snuck in an extra couple of hours of sleep, taking advantage of my presence keeping the kids at a slightly quieter tone than normal, I made a traditional Southern New Year’s Day brunch complete with braised ham hocks, Hoppin’ John, collards, pan roasted potatoes, and poached eggs. Once they awoke, we sat together outside, the sun on our faces, and ate too much and laughed just enough. I miss them terribly and wish my reality was a bit closer to theirs, rather than on the other coast. Perhaps that is a change I need to consider.

This year begins a lot differently than last. Last year I was in love with a complicated man, still technically owned my home, still technically owned a small business, although both were in the end process of being given back and dismantled, respectively. I had the very best dog, who was also one of my most dearest friends. Just when I thought my own personal identity couldn’t be anymore shook up, it was. Tested is barely scratching the surface with regards to how I felt many times over. Tortured is definitely how I felt most often.

I don’t believe in Resolutions. I don’t think I did anything necessarily wrong or bad to encourage the harsh events that had unfolded around me in 2011. Will I love less? No. Will I love differently? Quite probably. Each time we love someone, a new person or a past person, the love is a little bit different. It’s nearly impossible to ever love quite the same as you have previously. So, what will the year bring. I have hopes for it. I have wishes and dreams and preferences, but none of these things I can predict as the truth. I have come to learn, through my many painful experiences, that I have far less control over the outcome of things that I once believed.

 

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The year started off with blueberry dotted chipotle, cracked cayenne, and alderwood smoked sea salt chocolate cupcakes … frosted with nutella. Some Lambrusco I picked up from my new local wine shoppe, conveniently run by a woman whom I had hot sex with for 3 months back in my late 20’s. The southerner whose Baton Rouge oozed out during orgasm when she let out her Oh Gawd’s with a twang. Jesus, that women was hot, and she still is pretty good-looking, if I am to be honest. We hadn’t seen each other in 5 years, since running into each other one evening at a bar. She was surprised to see me, but pleasantly so, it appeared.

Originally I had hoped to spend New Year’s Eve in varying degrees of undress… and giddy drunkenness. Unfortunately, the universe decided that Type Geek needed yet another colossal crisis that needed solving and so he trekked through the woods and went ice climbing to a mountain peak, where he then proceeded to camp, alone, and find the answers for the questions he has been presented. I get it, they are big questions, life and death questions, with very real consequences. I am disappointed, that is natural, but I do get it.

The universe then decided to test my own resolve… by bringing an old flirtation back online… he is back in the states from Argentina, where he has been doing some graduate work. Drunk, he flirted incessantly, and sent me a photo I had sent him a year prior. He thanked me for being an exhibitionist and, in his sexually aroused state of drunkenness, was asking to come over, asking for more photos. He ” didn’t want to ruin my relationship” though, didn’t want to interfere. Didn’t he understand that he doesn’t really have that power? I declined, explaining that things have changed for me. I’m sexually exclusive with someone I love, sure he isn’t my boyfriend, but he is someone whom I care deeply for and wish to keep around for a pretty long time.

I’m beginning the year in love, in frustration, in less control than ever before. I have moved in with other people, and realized one roommate is passive aggressive and quite intolerable, the one who confessed his feelings for me regarding his favoritism on OK Cupid. I have found myself in a job that can sometimes border on unhealthy due to a member of the management team who relies on bullying, physical and emotional harassment and a tendency towards too many French 75’s while working. Then of course, there is the being in love, with someone who cares enough not to want me to go away, but is petrified of letting me in far enough that he could actually fall for me. Oh sigh.

All of this begs the question… in 365 days, where will we all be?

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Let’s wrap up and just cross off the list those that we are not carrying over into 2010:

Peruvian Hottie (collective BOOOOO), Jewish Dad with dogs (eh, his laugh ANNOYED me so I never even went out with him), the Luthier (just wasn’t feeling terribly attracted to him, seemed nice but eh), The Hickie Giving Musician (just can’t do it, not feeling it), Rosemary (we all know why), the Aussie (young), and the Farmer (a girl can only be so patient).

Here is the new cluster of boys/men:

Academic (super cute and younger and had some hmm, hot chat sex, ooops), Former Reporter (turns out we have some history in another life that overlaps), Tattooed Rock Musician (seems nice, feeling eh about it), Tattooed Insomniac Artist (makes cakes at 2:30 in the morning, cause he’s in the mood for cake and milk. It’s either cute or weird or maybe both),Art Teacher (interesting, quirky), Middle School Teacher (a little odd, not sure about him yet) and there is the Flannel Turkish guy from New Year’s Eve, which is a night I will explain in a moment.

There you have a list of the guys I am currently speaking with and trying to figure out what they are about. Follow along in the future.

Now, New Year’s Eve. I heard nothing back from Peruvian, a huge disappointment but life must go on. I called the foreigner and we opted to go to this chill lounge on the other side of town. We met close by and drove over together. I worried that the night was going to be a bust when we walked in and there were only 15 people there! It was only 9:30, I remained hopeful. So, we sat, we drank, we covered ourselves from the cold blast of arctic air each time the door opened. Eventually people filtered in and a) blocked the cold air (yay!) and b) suddenly filled the joint! After I picked up my 3rd drink, I was ready to move a bit. The DJ’s were doing an amazing job mixing up funk, disco, 80’s, and various electronic tracks and everyone had a groove working. I made notice of an attractive gentleman at one point, looked at him a few times and smiled once or twice. Young, but very cute and TALL.

So, I danced. I had begun work on another cocktail and midnight came around. The foreigner grabbed me and started making out with me (?!) and then I went back to dancing. After midnight the crowd loosened up as people had gotten their midnight kissage out-of-the-way and were now just having fun. A turkish guy started dancing with me and eventually making out with me. It was fun but I was still thinking of the young cute Tall thing over in the corner from earlier. Eventually, I was able to make my way over there and at some point ended up kissing one of the DJ’s (really?! He was good, but that good?) and provided a charity kiss to an older woman who had never kissed a woman in her life, until at some point I got a hold of the Tall Cutie. Best lips of the night.

Eventually the bar closed and the foreigner and I left without my getting the young man’s name. His kiss is stuck on my lips though. I put out a Craigslist Missed Connection. What else do you do? How do you find someone after the fact? I’m not looking for love with him, but maybe a cocktail and some more kissage. Mmmm, kissage.

The night wrapped uneventfully and we now find ourselves in 2010. It feels odd. Surreal. 2009 was a bad year for me. It began with the death of an older friend and ended with perhaps a death to my former self. At least, a shedding of that former self. Let’s see what 2010 has to offer. A new decade, a new self, a whole new adventure.

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What a long day! I did a bit of work early in the day and then had a coffee date with the Aussie Vegan. Cute but young, with a great accent. We talked for a long time about our individual businesses and how our personal ethos work within our businesses and the world outside. Spark? Nope. However, he is definitely someone I would like to hang out with as friends in the future. Bright kid and I think he has an amazing future ahead of him. We drank coffee for a couple hours and then I walked him to the train station and met up with my artist friend who works around the corner.

I found out tonight that my friend’s coworkers call me his stalker. Amusing, since the last 2 years that I have been coming in, I have been a flag waving lesbian. His colleagues find it funny that I come in and we talk for hours on end. It must be something insidious, right? I did consider him an option, for a moment, in the fall though. Right after I had started thinking about men, prior to my crush and subsequent exploratory trip to the Pac NW, I sent him a Facebook message that somehow never made its way to him. I was asking him out for a drink, which he claims, all men consider a clear and definitive “get busy” kind of signal. I had no idea that all I had to say was, “Hey, wanna have a drink?” and that it could be so powerful. unfortunately, or fortunately, the message never went through and our friendship has stayed happily un-awkward. Besides, if I had been blurring up the picture he would not have met this gorgeous complete package that he fell, “arse over tit” for a few weeks ago. He beams when he talks about her. It’s a beautiful sight! I am so very happy for him. I would have just used him for cheap experimentation and it would have been weird afterward. Instead, now we can have a great friendship in which we have alcoholic beverages and discuss our various antics, and then he can read this blog and laugh heartily, while breathing a sigh of relief.

Speaking of being arse over tit, he is killing me! Does the hottie Peruvian NEVER check his mail? Come on man, New Year’s is now mere days away. I am getting hot hard wax put on places of my body tomorrow that should rationally NEVER see hot hard wax… and then having it pulled off. Mostly for me, because I hate body hair, BUT I could go longer, I do not need to do it now, UNLESS I can spend New Years wrapped around him like a ribbon. Hot girl, heels, brazilian,WILLING … what more do you need man?!!!

Can we all do a collective silent meditative chant this morning asking McHottie Peruvian to check his mail and open the pretty envelope, read the pretty invite and respond to the hot girl who pasted that invite with her own little fingers? Thank you everyone.

This afternoon finds another coffee date after a client meeting, the dog owning Asian gentleman, and then my wax. McHottie’s house is 5 minutes from my waxing appointment. Sigh.

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I wasn’t sure how I was feeling about the coming week. I had made a hair and a waxing appointment in hopes that I would hear from the hottie, but I had no dates in sight. Then, suddenly in the matter of a few hours I have 4 with the potential for another. All afternoon dates, which I find easier because you can escape them if they are going poorly. The Aussie vegan anarchist, an ex reformed Jew with mussed up hair, a dog loving asian gentleman and someone training for a marathon. The 4th potential is the Jewish Dad. I am not actively seeking Jewish men, I just happen to find them adorable and then find out they are Jewish. Is there something wrong with that? On top of all of this, I check my email to find that the hottie Peruvian is no longer possible McDouche, because he emailed to say Hello. Yay. I might just have a New Year’s Eve reason for that wax after all!

I did get my daily astrology.com love tarot and again it was that damn King of Pentacles. I get it, I do. So, present me universe with one thing that is viable and perhaps this blog will change its focus from dating many to dating one. However, until you provide a man who can handle me and be handled by me or a clear path back to women, stop taunting me with the King of Pentacles.

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Hulu might just be the most terribly boring way to spend a Christmas. In this case, boring is good. No family drama, no expectations, no obsessive niceties, and no regrets of things that should have or could have been said or done. I had planned to get together with the Jewish dad either yesterday or today, however, I suddenly found myself feeling extremely introverted and anti-social. I am also feeling guilty, or at least, my astrology.com daily love tarot reading  is making me feel like an asshole. I have received the same identical reading in my email for weeks. King of Pentacles. Eeek. This is what it says:

 “The King of Pentacles card suggests that when it comes to your relationship or love life, there can be too much of a good thing, particularly if you fall into the trap of showing off. Like an all-you-can-eat buffet, where what you want is quantity, the situation changes or disappears once the want has been sated. But in matters of the heart, do what you believe, which, like a banquet, is all about quality. Tend to what you need, consider those who rely on you for support and practice gratitude. You may find that you are surrounded by a cornucopia of abundance and in a position to share this bounty with others. The more you give, the less you will suffer want in the first place. Get back to basics and make a clean sweep of those things that are cluttering up your love life or distracting you from true commitment and sensual pleasure.”

Ok, so this blog is bad karma? Am I dooming myself because of it? Oh geez, as if I needed ANOTHER existential dilemma in my life. So, in my moments of reflection today, in between my bouts of cursing at my email, I thought about what I have been doing. I have not been going out with anyone I didn’t find genuinely interesting and attractive or potentially attractive. My interest has begun to wain in some of them, when you don’t meet right away, the initial excitement can wear down and it can begin to feel like scheduling a dental appointment. The sites have been quiet, no new members that are peeking my interest at the moment.

The hickie guy was nice, he wants to go out again, but I don’t know, I’m just not really there. I think it was a really fun couple of dates but ultimately I have to ask myself if I find the nightly quest for a gig to watch my idea of fun. I don’t. Plus, he’s cute but the thought of him doesn’t excite me. It should, right? Farmer guy? Really nice and funny and attractive but Jesus Christ man, I can’t wait forever for someone to decide whether they want to make a move. He is reminding me of this artist/musician whom I had a crush on for almost a year when I was 17. I met this guy at a pledge drive for a community radio station I used to volunteer at and thought he was the cutest thing. He had these crazy curls on his head and was covered with potters dust and clay, as he must have just come from his studio to the station. I was friends with him and his then girlfriend for about 6 months and then lost track of them both. One night I ran into him at one of the dance clubs I frequented. We went for a walk and were catching up and then sat down on the tracks behind the club. Eventually, he made the move to kiss me. It was the single worst kiss of my entire life. I honestly mopped my face off after and got up and, if my memory serves me correctly, never spoke to him again. It really was THAT bad. So, you see, now I fear that if farmer were to try to kiss me… it would be like those train tracks. Where else does that leave me? The one I want to go back out with but that is “overwhelmed” with life at the moment. So, I have stayed away all week until a nice short Merry Christmas email today and of course the New Year’s Eve invite he will receive tomorrow. If this was a romantic comedy… he would go out with me again. I am attractive, quirky, intelligent, regretful for being wacky, I know how to kiss and I am all about climbing on top of him and kissing him again. I have not heard back from him regarding the email, however with it being Christmas day, I was not assuming that I would, however I do hope that I hear something by Sunday regarding the invite, once he receives it. I am not looking for some great love from this. I find it difficult to find strong physical connections with anyone so this is my reason for wanting to spend time with him again. It feels good to have the body be so alive after such a long silence. Also, did I mention the smile on that man. Kills me.

So, what am I dealing with here? I guess the same thing as everyone out there, except I am blogging about it. Of course, not everyone has just changed sexual orientations to see what else might be out there. Fundamentally I think we are all dealing with the same dilemmas though. Attraction, expectations, loneliness, fear, excitement, regrets, concerns, what if’s, only if’s, could have been’s… and hope. We all have hope, right?

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Last night I went out for date number 3 with the Urban Farmer or “Produce Giver”. We saw a movie, it was “Fantastic” , but alas…. the movie was the most exciting aspect of this entire evening. Now, there comes a time, social awkwardness or not, that you make a move. IF you are at all interested in a girl, you make a move towards some sort of physical show of appreciation, desire, interest … or even showing signs of LIFE. He’s clever, attractive and interesting but his girl skills are bordering on Charlie Brown meets Stan from South Park. I don’t know if he has an upset stomach or if he’s gonna throw up on me. THIS is without him even seeing me in 4 inch heels, slinky dresses and sporting a brazilian wax. If I intimidate him and make him nervous now, there is no telling what type of serious mental trauma would occur if he were to ever touch me.  At this stage in the game, I must throw the towel and call this one done. 3 dates and you are out. NEXT.  

Meanwhile, the hits keep rolling in. Let’s review the what not to do’s in online matchmaking, shall we?

  1. If you don’t want to appear like a shallow douchebag with an ego and nothing to back it up, do NOT show any photos of you without a shirt, whether they be through your web cam or banked out of the bathroom mirror. It’s gross, you are gross and eww. if you have one photo of you on the beach with pals, OKAY, but no main photos and nothing “sexy”.
  2. DON’T send me an email with the phrases: “Hey Sexy”, “Let’s do this”, “So, I didn’t read your profile, but damn you are hot and I want to get to know you cause it seems we have a lot in common” (like thinking you are a douchebag?), “Hi cutie, I bets I can put a smile on that cute face of yurs”.   Yes, I did just throw up in my mouth a little because that man looked like a mix of back woods Deliverance and coonhound Best in Show.
  3. I am SO glad you love sports. That’s great. Oh really, and your interests are… oh, sex, sports, and oh sex and sports…. next.
  4. Don’t invite me to your house yet, if I suggest coffee (I am a cheap first date), that means public place that is well-lit and surrounded by other people… not your house, which is creepy. IF I decide to bring you coffee and make out with you later, let it be my prerogative.
  5. No, really, my age range of low-mid 30’s to low 40’s is JUST a suggestion. Sure, all you 23, 27, and 51 year olds, please contact me because apparently I do not really know what I want.
  6. Also, if I say slender, average or athletic/toned, this doesn’t mean fatties. Sorry, but it’s my thing. I am a size-ist. I admit it. Years of being fat cultivated a healthy dose of body dysmorphia and I can’t get past my issues with weight enough to date someone more than a little out of shape. This makes me less than a perfect person, I know.
  7. Bringing me to my final point. I am not perfect. I am attractive, witty, clever, sexy, naughty, shy, angry, sweet, endearing, exhausting and so far from perfect. I over think and get insecure sometimes. I take bad advice. I am a horrible house keeper who can’t implement the great design ideas she has, so many people have never stepped foot in my house because it is perpetually in chaos. Don’t be awestruck, or intimidated. I will let you down.

I sent the Peruvian, GD, otherwise known as potentially McDouchey, a handmade invite to hang with me on New Years Eve. There was glue, ribbon, stickers, 3 different colors of cardstock, Photoshop AND InDesign work, and two stamps. He should receive it Saturday. I hope. Will he say yes. I hope. Am I foolish, quite possibly. But damn,the idea of that type of foolishness sure sounds like naughty, naughty  fun.

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