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Posts Tagged ‘mistakes’

My birthday is in a few days, and I am feeling far from celebratory. I felt like I was walking into 35 with much possibility, however, in the last 12 months I have lost 2 businesses, a condo, and a love that was unexpected. I’m walking into the new year in pain, with a visible limp. The weekend was supposed to be spent curled up, naked flesh against naked flesh, my nose in his neck, many hours of sleep,  many hours of making love, and the occasional moment of clothed dining. Instead, I have no plans.

The most solid option for doing something is a trip to NYC, which due to the marital and parental status of the majority of my NYC friends, means a stay with my Internet Skype artist guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has become a solid friend over the last year, we have surpassed our sex Skypes with conversation Skypes. He sent me a Valentine’s Day mix cd to help me get over my painful split and has offered more understanding than many of my other friends. So, what is the dilemma here? Sex. I’m still very much in love with Type Geek and Skype boy knows this. We spoke honestly about his expectations and assumptions and he said that he understands where I am.

So, where am I? Do I fuck him because Type Geek and I hadn’t had sex in so long and I do need to get laid? Who is that fair to? Is that what I really need, casual sex? Will that make me feel better?

Speaking of feeling better, I have a session with a new therapist next Monday. I’m looking forward to having someone I can vent to on a bi-weekly basis. Perhaps then, I will stop venting here.

I hope everyone out there is doing well. My thoughts are with you all.

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My gut tells me I just made the greatest mistake of my romantic life.  How do you handle the repercussions of your own actions when you realize that what you really wanted, was a conversation, not a split? That when they won’t take you back, telling you that you made the right decision, that you have to listen to your gut, but your gut tells you that you fucked up because this shit that you both are dealing with is temporary and life, but that the love you feel for him is much greater than that? How do you tell someone who the reason you know you are wrong is because your gut, your heart, it all tells you that this man is the man you should grow old with? How do you tell them that you are as sure of how you feel, as the sky is blue, without them thinking you are crazy?

I’m not afraid of being alone. I have done that, and I can do that again. I am terrified of knowing that I have potentially met “HIM” and because life got messy for both of us… I freaked out, I reacted before considering the true repercussions of my actions and now, I have lost him. That wasn’t the result I wanted. I never would have gone over there if I had thought it out. How do you convince someone whom, when you first met you were bored by, only to 7 months later realize that you would spend the rest of your life with them, that giving you a second chance is the right thing to do?

I know you all think he’s an ass, I vented and scowled for so long, but I never shared the little things that made it all great. I need help people. I need advice… think back to when you fucked up and wanted that second chance. What worked? What got you back in? I need that second chance people, so bring on the practical, the romantic, the stupid.. any tips will be appreciated. But please, don’t tell me that all things happen for a reason. I’m asking for tips on convincing someone you love that you deserve a second chance.

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