Posts Tagged ‘fear of committment’

Apparently I am spineless with no will power or I am a master of the Buddhist art of forgiveness and letting go. I went over last night. I was mad. I said no, no, no. Then I realized, who am I really hurting here? Am I going to benefit myself here at all by being bratty and “punishing” him by staying home? No. We need to have a talk, yes. But things aren’t changing between now and then. Increasing intimacy by withholding sex because I feel ignored, well, it is only going to lead to him ignoring me more. It is NOT going to increase intimacy. At the end of the day, I do need to ask this… WHO did he ask over? Was it someone else? No, it was me. He has a shitty way of showing he cares, he is a moron with regards to common sense acceptable behaviors (ahem, photo on OkCupid) and his online trolling habit is ANNOYING, but, at the end of the day, when he has the time after a business trip, I am the one he wants in his bed. This has to account for something. It doesn’t resolve the issues, and it certainly doesn’t make our need for a conversation about all of this any less urgent, but, it does show that he is choosing me. sorta.

By the way, the sex last night ROCKED!!!

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It has to happen this weekend, the talk I mean. I can’t float in this indecision, this muckety muck of wondering what he is thinking and whether he is JUST an idiot or maybe a bit of an actual asshole. Ok, so the asshole part, where does that come from. Why am I suddenly a wee angry at the fellow? Well, we had to cancel another date, which I talked about in my last post. I felt like he was meh about the effect on me. Ok, I know that I have said repeatedly that I understand his work and how sometimes it is gonna come in the way of plans. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love some acknowledgement that it sucks for me that I’m suddenly sitting here dateless when I was looking forward to seeing him. That I have to make arrangements now with my schedule in order to see him and that sometimes it is inconvenient, but I don’t complain, because seeing him, even if just for a snuggle, is a huge pay off. I am complaining at this moment though because ARRRGH … ok, let me breathe here a moment and then I’ll explain. Inhale Exhale Inhale…hold…EXXXXHAAAAALE. Sigh.

I met with a friend for coffee today who had recently been through a messy break up. After chatting for an hour, she decides that she really wants to try online dating after hearing all about my stories. (Shouldn’t I be a cautionary tale, not a success story?) Anyway, SO, I help her set up an OkCupid profile. I make it cute, but not too cute, fun and approachable. We find two pics on her Facebook we can use and voila, Fini. Except, she wants a tour of how the site works and stuff. So, because I [insert BIG NEWS fireworks here] disabled my own account a few days ago because I was trying to trust in forward momentum and letting nature be nature and my own truth, being that I really care about this idiot of a man, blah blah, well, because of that, I couldn’t show her how to navigate the site on mine. We logged back into hers and I made her anonymous and took her on a tour. I showed her how to search for and im, wink, etc. How to navigate through their profiles. Basically, how to successfully use the site. At the end, as I was about to sign out, she asked to see Type Geek’s profile. She had only seen two pics of him that I have on my phone, so she was curious. Understandable. Also, his pics are cute and make me smile, so why not. No harm, I have seen the stupid profile. We go to his page and I notice he updated his pic to one taken the other day. Ok, whatever. Then she, of course, wants to look over his entire profile. This is what hurt my feelings and made me angry… a new photo in his photo section. A photo I took on a day trip up the coast. Under it, the nickname I gave it. Damn it, that is MY memory. NOT something for you to use to get yourself pussy. I’m kinda pissed. Am I allowed to feel upset by this? I’m feeling a lot of grrrrrr and aaargh and ugh at the moment. 

What do I say to him? DO I say anything to him?

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I’m watching The Road. The film leaves you unable to consider things other than the greater What If’s in our lives. Who would we die for, who would die for us, are the memories that serve us in times of  pain, fear and utter desolation real? Have they adjusted themselves to somehow serve some other purpose? False memories to comfort and soothe in times when we are unsure of everything that surrounds us.

There are moments of loneliness in longer term casual dating. Even in the greatest moments of heat, you are left in a tepid sort of aerial holding pattern. You can never get too lost in someone, but you are ensconced just enough to create the illusion that it is possible.

I have finally shaken off the gut ache that came from the dissolution of my affair with Cooper Fiennes. Do I have love for him? Por supuesto! Of course. I have been thinking a lot about why I found it safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with the man who was temporary, but have stayed at a distance from the one who is the archetype for boyfriend material; stable, kind, hardworking, dedicated, sweet and gentle. What is so wrong with that? Why does that translate to boring or less desirable? Why is stable and gentle a bad thing? Is it a lack of chemistry with Type Geek or a fear of actually committing to a relationship with a man and what that really means for my identity?

Straight girl? Lesbian? Bi? Queer? Who the fuck is this person I am inhabiting?

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