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Posts Tagged ‘spain’

“Then indecision brings its own delays,
And days are lost lamenting o’er lost days.
Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

-Goethe.

Is it indecision that I am feeling lately? A little insecurity, that I do recognize. It isn’t that I am questioning whether I am attractive or if the boys like me. I know I am and that they do, yet I have days like every other woman (or man for that matter) and occasionally I just need a little something more.

I need to NOT know about the woman from work that Cooper Fiennes is exchanging flirtation with. I have no rational rights to claiming him as my own. I don’t own him, but I desire him and his company much more than I ever thought I would, so it makes sharing him difficult at best. Certain days, I need him to myself. This woman gets him for weekend trips, nights out dancing, things I want to do with him. How do I ask this? May I?

I need to feel that my time is considered valuable and that I am desired. When Type Geek rain-checks and cancels and reschedule(s) enough times in a month to make my calendar look like an abstract, post modernist art piece, you know it is out of hand.When I get dropped off at home after a day of day tripping around beach towns, rather that brought back for sex… even if it was morning sex, then I feel a little less than desired. I’m not asking for a marathon here. 20 minutes? Maybe? I know I am attractive, but having someone desire you feels great. It is great. Having someone cancel dinner plans twice, because they are hanging out with their platonic colleague who they may or may not desire, mmmm, well, makes you feel less than desireable at times.

I am so easy-going and allowable. I try to allow each of them their rights to be present as is truthful for them. However, perhaps I am being too casual. Perhaps I do need to act more like a woman who is interested in a hot Spaniard. I’m not a push over, but is my zen attitude places nails on my coffin?

So, why can’t I just make some sort of move here? What delicate balance am I worried about disturbing? This current scenario is only partially working for me currently. So, what is my answer. If only Goethe was better with having a strong definitive.  Perhaps I cannot expect that because, afterall Germany did come in 3rd in the World Cup. Even Paul the Octopus chose a more passionate country to root for.

Maybe that is the dilemma. Passion. It has been so many years since I truly felt passion that I am unable to control the passion I do have now.

I need a writer/philosopher with some better guidance. Perhaps Dali, the painter had it right. Maybe all of this stuff makes us feel like melting clocks on a harsh landscape.  All I really want is to be naked in bed with Cooper Fiennes at this exact moment. That, for today, is all I want.

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Cooper Fiennes got a visit from his wife on Sunday. I mentioned this, right? That he is technically married? She left him for a myriad of her own reasons, mostly it seems, she just wasn’t in love with him the way he loved her. It wasn’t his decision and he misses her madly. We talked about his love for her one night while we were taking a break during sex. We both believe in the hearts ability to expand so that it loves multiple people over a lifetime. That love doesn’t cease to exist for someone merely because the relationship is now over, or the status is complicated. We believe that the more one loves, the more capable or love one is.

I don’t expect to hear from him for a few days. I believe he needs some time to mourn. She is moving to NYC, a dual citizen, she has that freedom. Her trip to see him on Sunday was one to discuss logistics such as the sale of the car, the financials, the signing of the divorce papers once one or both travel back to Barcelona. Their physical location makes the divorce harder because it needs to be filed in Spain. Each day he goes without the split being finalized, is a day he is unable to fully move on.

I made myself available in anyway that could be helpful. I told him that if he needed a friend later in the day, a lover, or just a silent fuck, let me know.  He texted me in the early evening letting me know that he had opted to play soccer for 3 hours in the heat after she left, that he was emotionally spent and exhausted and just without words, but that he would resurface soon. I’m not concerned. Our situation is one without the emotional complications of a traditional relationship. We merely are, what we are. Until that is an issue or complication, we are happily floating in our little sexually charged private world, away from the trappings of what if’s and if only’s.

I have been meeting a lot of divorcee’s this last 6 months. Are there more people getting divorced or is it just that I have hit the age group where people who married young are suddenly running for cover? Had I married my ex fiance, we would be divorced by now. She was a train wreck. thank god for small miracles.

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