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Posts Tagged ‘sexy’

Apparently my first photo, the one on Match, looks like a serial killer he says. Because I look too serious, because I’m looking right at the camera, because I look like I’m looking through the viewer. This unnerves him. The other photos he loves, that one, he does not.

We met for drinks Saturday late afternoon and talked about everything from sustainability and healthful foods, to tennis and exes. He started talking about his ex by saying, “I know there’s a rule against this on a first date, but…” and so I told him a bit about Type Geek. His ex is a model who likes being taken care of financially and can’t emotionally connect, mine is a man who knows how to spend money and likes the idea of a woman, but can’t emotionally connect. Perhaps we should introduce the two.

One drink turned to two, to 4, to dinner and too much conversation with these two fellows who sat beside us, a cuban born  troublemaker and his midwestern colleague.  Apparently they think I look like some sports newscaster, while I’ve always been told Billie Piper and Jeri Ryan. At least they are all beautiful women, I will give them that.

Conversation was easy, flirting was moderate, and as we parted, he pulled me close for a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me what a great time he had. He then proceeded to text me a bit that night as he met up with some mates and had another drink or two, which ended with him a bit drunk. This morning, pre run, he texted me that he was feeling rough, but wanted to reiterate that he had a great time last night. Well, that’s a  good sign, right?

I’m talking to a few men, most are semi tech-head geeky and this one was more athletic smarty geeky..and hot, but a total apple fan boy, with an accent, and good style. Would it be improper for me to say that I really need to get laid soon? I need it to be good sex too. Sigh. Santa?!!!

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Last night I went out for date number 3 with the Urban Farmer or “Produce Giver”. We saw a movie, it was “Fantastic” , but alas…. the movie was the most exciting aspect of this entire evening. Now, there comes a time, social awkwardness or not, that you make a move. IF you are at all interested in a girl, you make a move towards some sort of physical show of appreciation, desire, interest … or even showing signs of LIFE. He’s clever, attractive and interesting but his girl skills are bordering on Charlie Brown meets Stan from South Park. I don’t know if he has an upset stomach or if he’s gonna throw up on me. THIS is without him even seeing me in 4 inch heels, slinky dresses and sporting a brazilian wax. If I intimidate him and make him nervous now, there is no telling what type of serious mental trauma would occur if he were to ever touch me.  At this stage in the game, I must throw the towel and call this one done. 3 dates and you are out. NEXT.  

Meanwhile, the hits keep rolling in. Let’s review the what not to do’s in online matchmaking, shall we?

  1. If you don’t want to appear like a shallow douchebag with an ego and nothing to back it up, do NOT show any photos of you without a shirt, whether they be through your web cam or banked out of the bathroom mirror. It’s gross, you are gross and eww. if you have one photo of you on the beach with pals, OKAY, but no main photos and nothing “sexy”.
  2. DON’T send me an email with the phrases: “Hey Sexy”, “Let’s do this”, “So, I didn’t read your profile, but damn you are hot and I want to get to know you cause it seems we have a lot in common” (like thinking you are a douchebag?), “Hi cutie, I bets I can put a smile on that cute face of yurs”.   Yes, I did just throw up in my mouth a little because that man looked like a mix of back woods Deliverance and coonhound Best in Show.
  3. I am SO glad you love sports. That’s great. Oh really, and your interests are… oh, sex, sports, and oh sex and sports…. next.
  4. Don’t invite me to your house yet, if I suggest coffee (I am a cheap first date), that means public place that is well-lit and surrounded by other people… not your house, which is creepy. IF I decide to bring you coffee and make out with you later, let it be my prerogative.
  5. No, really, my age range of low-mid 30’s to low 40’s is JUST a suggestion. Sure, all you 23, 27, and 51 year olds, please contact me because apparently I do not really know what I want.
  6. Also, if I say slender, average or athletic/toned, this doesn’t mean fatties. Sorry, but it’s my thing. I am a size-ist. I admit it. Years of being fat cultivated a healthy dose of body dysmorphia and I can’t get past my issues with weight enough to date someone more than a little out of shape. This makes me less than a perfect person, I know.
  7. Bringing me to my final point. I am not perfect. I am attractive, witty, clever, sexy, naughty, shy, angry, sweet, endearing, exhausting and so far from perfect. I over think and get insecure sometimes. I take bad advice. I am a horrible house keeper who can’t implement the great design ideas she has, so many people have never stepped foot in my house because it is perpetually in chaos. Don’t be awestruck, or intimidated. I will let you down.

I sent the Peruvian, GD, otherwise known as potentially McDouchey, a handmade invite to hang with me on New Years Eve. There was glue, ribbon, stickers, 3 different colors of cardstock, Photoshop AND InDesign work, and two stamps. He should receive it Saturday. I hope. Will he say yes. I hope. Am I foolish, quite possibly. But damn,the idea of that type of foolishness sure sounds like naughty, naughty  fun.

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