Monogamy: How realistic is it, really?

This subject became the hot button topic last night among a wide circle of friends. My feelings on open relationships have fluctuated to the area of perhaps it is necessary to have some needs met outside of a marriage, if ALL aren’t being met inside and the relationship is otherwise amazing, to hmm, I don’t think I could handle the emotional and health risks of my partner or myself having an extracurricular partner.

Years ago, when my sex drive was non existent and it created an issue with my partners, who always said, “when you want it Student Driver, it’s REALLY good, you just don’t want it much.” So, I got thumbs up for my performance all the time, BUT, I would rather have bowled most nights. For full disclosure, it was a medically proven low hormone issue that was causing my body to have such ambivalence towards sex. So, in those days, I realized that anyone who loved me, was also potentially subjecting themselves to a life of once a month sex. Definitely NOT enough. I considered it and decided that , at that time, I could understand and would be reasonable to a partner having an outside activity partner if it was only sexual in nature, didn’t interfere with our relationship, and they were safe.

Flash forward to 2011. I have the sex drive of a 19-year-old boy who snorted his dad’s Viagra while attending the Adult Video Awards. I could fuck all the time. Type Geek is lucky, only he doesn’t really get it. To find a woman who is attractive and wants to fuck you 24-7, well buddy, that is a real gift from the universe. Because my super human sexual prowess now, and because he always tells me how good our sex is, I would have a real issue with Type Geek having sex with other people IF he ever officially makes this a real relationship. On the side, is he having sex with anyone else? I don’t think so, at least, not on the more regular basis in which he is with me. Perhaps he has had one or two encounters this year other than me. We haven’t talked about it but we are back to using condoms even though I am on the pill, so I tend to lean towards him having been with someone other than me. Do I consider it unfaithful? Not really. Technically he isn’t my boyfriend. Technically I am not his girlfriend, but I behave as such, because I feel as such.

This post isn’t about Type Geek though. It’s about the bigger question of monogamy. How realistic is it? In the beginning, sure, maybe it is easy. How about after kids or after a decade? After health issues resulting in disability or significant weight gain/loss. Your partner loses their attractiveness, but you still love them. Is monogamy a black and white thing? Can relationships redefine a model of behavior that works for them but isn’t as stringent or as simple as a yes or no? Should a relationship just end, if any of these issues crop up, even if the relationship works on other levels?

What have been your personal experiences with monogamy? I am not asking about outright obvious cheating, but a more complicated type of infidelity, in which perhaps the act is what keeps the marriage together.

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Intervention

Two of my colleagues turned a polite conversation into an intervention today. They asked loaded questions and then mirrored them back at me. I know what they are saying. I know it to be true. I am NOT being treated fairly. He is NOT meeting me even a 1/3 of the way. He is NOT considering me at all in anything. I do know this. When I laid awake last night after masturbating and found myself suddenly crying because I have someone 3 miles away whom I have a supposed romantic relationship with but I realized that I masturbate far more than I have sex with this person whom I care very much for, that was when I felt truly kicked in the gut. I deleted his contact from my phone. Yes, he can still text, and I can still respond, but it makes it harder. He has texted me twice today. I refuse to respond. He needs to make some decisions now. We had an email exchange last evening that ended with my explaining that it is, in part, his imperfection, his human flaws, that make me care as much as I do. That his scars, his grey hair, the chronic lateness, all of these things add to who he is, and that is ok. We are not perfect, we are human, and not only do I care regardless, but I care because of it all. I know he has read it. His texts came after, which means he wasn’t scared away by my message, but was he moved at all?

In thinking of all of this,  I have decided on some requirements for myself. Things I need at this point, nearly 7 months from when we met. These are:

• The texting/phone call ration needs to change. I want to hear his voice, not read his thoughts, for at least 10 minutes each day. Even a check in, how are you doing, how was your day, type of call.  
• He needs to commit to a weekend somewhere with me. We have planned several, only to have them fall apart. I have made plans, taken days off work, arranged dog care.
• Our hangouts need to be more date, less sex focused. I love the sex, but I want some romance. I want to be wooed.
• We need to have more sex. We are both tired. We both have responsibilities and lives that wear us out, but I want that intimacy. We both deserve and need it. Give me a 10 minute quickie topped off with sleep. I’m not asking for marathon encounters here. I’m just putting value on taking anytime to connect sexually with each other.
• Laying off the okcupid site. I can’t handle it. I need sexual exclusivity and to know that when he looks at me, he sees me and isn’t looking over our shoulders for what else might be out there. Until he can give me the attention and try to put himself out there, I’ll always be half a person to him. I deserve more.

So, those are my personal requirements, which may very well change as I consider what all of this is. I know that I am being played the fool. I can feel that. I am also very aware that this is a self-created issue because I didn’t have the conversation months earlier, before I realized I was in love with him. At what point does patience and belief/love in another become a pathetic nose dive into martyrdom?

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Where is My Morning Sex?!

Ok, so weekday morning sex is difficult. I get it. I understand. The alarm goes off, we hit snooze, next thing you know, Type Geek was supposed to have left his house already to manage the long ass drive to work..in another state. Seriously, what is with the working in another state thing?! Luckily he works from home a LOT, so he doesn’t do this every day. Okay, let me back up a little.

Type Geek and I have been having problems getting together ever since he got back. There was work crisis, then brother crisis, then both. Finally, he nailed it down and said… Wednesday night? To which I said… Wednesday night! I made an INSANELY amazing gazpacho on Tuesday night and was planning on bringing that for dinner the next day. Always make gazpacho ahead of time. Making it ahead of time allows all of the flavors to merge. Mmmm, nom nom.

On Wednesday I had a few errands to run. I had a client and an interview at a restaurant. The recession has been hard on my business and it is failing swiftly. The housing market has also killed me, so I have begun to drown in the financial murky depths of near poverty. I have been looking for a job for some time, but there have been few, if any, bites. I finally decided that I need to bite the bullet and get back into the hospitality business. Therefore, I have been trying for server positions at some higher end foodie type restaurants. Wish me luck, I need it. Anyway, as I was saying, I had my errands and then I needed to get home and figure out the dog situation. IF I go to Type Geek’s house early, I have to bring the dog, if I go later… I miss out on awake time. Hmm, decisions, decisions. So, I won a second interview for next week at the restaurant, I picked up razors so I could do a shave before heading out, and OH, I ran into the cafe owner I went out on a date with months ago. I was in grabbing coffee at one of his shops and he was standing next to me, not noticing me. I nudged him and we started chatting and headed outside for a chat. He started asking my advice about this gal he has been dating. Cute, sexy, Jewish, BUT… he’s not ready for love. She doesn’t stop him in his tracks. However, he is afraid, by the way she has behaved, the things she has said, that she sees HIM as her future Mister. He wanted to know if I thought he should preemptively dump her. I suggested he talk to her about their status and his need to remain casual due to his history of being a serial monogamist for all the wrong reasons. Will he take my advice? Only time will tell. So, that was my day.

I got home later than I hoped, which automatically made the decision of dog or no dog, a no dog vote. By the time I left my house, the pup would only be alone for her average 10 hour night-time sleep cycle. She likes her sleep. Sometimes I need to drag her out of bed for her first pee in the morning or afternoon, as is SOMETIMES the case. Too funny. So, I finished getting ready, grabbed all my gear, the kickass gazpacho, clothes for the following morning and the head tingler I recently bought (seriously, just google it. AMAZING), before heading out the door. He picked me up on the corner close to the train station and we ran to the closest Whole Foods for a couple of things to finish my soup… namely, tiger shrimp, avocado, creme fraiche and lemon. He picked up salad fixings. Oh, and we grabbed a box of those Mary’s Gone Crackers… the herb flavor. Try them!

A half hour later we were both in the kitchen doing our things and 20 minutes later we were eating fresh fig stuffed burrata, a smoky mango gazpacho with lemon garlic tiger shrimp and topped with an avocado lemon zest creme fraiche. Mmm, I rock. I must also acknowledge that Type Geek makes a pretty good vinaigrette and his salad was damn yummy. Meal and conversation done, a glass of wine and further chatting post dinner, and then like an old married couple, we retired to the bedroom in a comfortable, yet YAWN, kind of boring manner. I’m like, wait, are you SERIOUSLY tucked under the covers already? Hello with the ravaging, where is the ravaging?! Sigh. Alas, the mid thirties and realities of life and midweek responsibilities have smacked us hard across our naughtiness. Oh well. We had nice comfortable couple like sex. YAWN. Then we went to bed.

Alarm, snooze. Alarm, snooze. Snoooooze. OH SHIT. When someone wakes up and says ,”Fuck Me” after looking at the clock, it generally ISN’T the way you would like to think. Sleep? Sex? Sleep? Sex? Ok, we are apparently old, sleep won out. Again. So, he jumped in the shower while I made coffee and threw together some local fruit, local honey and greek style yogurt for us. I added some Dorset Muesli to his (I’m sadly allergic. Sigh, it’s good stuff) and set the bowls down as he came in and poured our coffee. Yes, I like how comfortable we are, BUT, should we be THIS comfortable? Hmm.

I’ll see him this weekend, he is DJ’ing an event as a favor for me and then we are headed out to a birthday party for a friend of his. Hmm, do guys normally invite casual sexual gal pals to friend’s 40th b-day surprise shindigs? Should I be thinking uh-oh and complications? Hmm. This post had a lot of HMMS. Sigh.

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