Posts Tagged ‘Mad Men’

I recently was called vapid and self involved on the Facebook page for the queer site that syndicates me once a week.  They had posted a link to my most recent post and she made her statement in the comments below. I wanted to hold my breath and move on, however I decided to respond. I apologized that I wasn’t talking about the state of the economy, the never-ending war, the housing crisis, politics or the gmo foods we consume without concern. My blog is merely a trail map of my own personal journey.

Re-coming out was, in many ways, more difficult for me psychologically than coming out as Bi as a teen or realizing, in my early 20’s, that I was only attracted to women, subsequently then coming out as a lesbian. I don’t feel like I went back in. I never had issues being a lesbian. Perhaps because I am blessed to be a slim attractive feminine woman in a society that smiles upon that, I never suffered the injustices that some other lesbians have. I didn’t choose to love heels, makeup, long hair, and dresses… it would just be incredibly disingenuous for me to be anyone other than this. One winter I was going through a hard time and opted to go off the grid a bit so I delivered and stacked firewood for the owner of a small composting company. It was all cash under the table and incredibly hard work. A cord of wood is a LOT more than you think, when you have to carry it to a pile and stack it. Some days there were 4 or 5 jobs like this. My point is, my “work boots” had huge thick 2.5″ heels. I wore my hair in pigtail braids and put on mascara and lip gloss at the beginning of my day. It is who I am. I wasn’t a girly girl as a child, nor as a teen, but somewhere in my early 20’s things shifted and I began to find myself. 

My journey into self hasn’t been smooth. I have dealt with a lifetime of anxiety issues from growing up in a family of insanity. I had anger management issues in my teens and 20’s. I suffer from a mild case of body dysmorphia from childhood obesity. Fleeting depression, chronic disorganization resulting in my often sabotaging projects, jobs or relationships, and the myriad of insecurities that just come with being an emotional human being. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? It isn’t though. I’m thankful for being the glorious mess I have been, because it has allowed me to better know myself, to be stronger, to try harder, to find determination in unforseen circumstances, and to run blindly into experience, reminding myself to breathe often, to stop long enough to feel what it is I am experiencing, to remember that I am blessed for having experienced it. The good and the bad. The bad sucks, indeed, but that bad makes the good so glorious. The bad makes me appreciate the 3 hours spent on Type Geeks lap watching South Park and Mad Men, drinking port. The bad makes me appreciate the smell of my dogs paws (it really is a mix of all the grossness that they step in that makes them smell like popcorn, isn’t it?! eww). The bad makes me appreciate the sensation of a piece of smoked sea salt dissolving on my tongue, the aroma of roasted brussel sprouts with truffle oil, a long hot shower and friends that make you laugh til it pains you and then you laugh more, because you just can’t stop.

So, into all of our lives things bad things happen. Some of us are in foreclosure, some are facing homelessness, or are homeless, some are sick, and some will get better, some feel all alone even when surrounded by a room full of “friends and family”. This is life.  However, remember that life is also the wag of a dog’s tail, the glint in a 2 year old’s eye from across a bus or subway train, the way the chocolate feels as it melts in your mouth, the sound of autumn leaves under foot and .. one of my personal favorites, when the temperatures drop so drastically during a snow shower that the top layer is frozen crisp, as if the world is a giant creme brulee. I block out the world and I crunch crunch crunch down the street, through the grass, while cracking the higher crust with my fingers. I love it. I do.

Find the small things you love and be thankful for them. They make the big things, which you don’t love, diminish in size. Happy Thanksgiving.

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It’s a cold night and I have just put my Type Geek texting to rest. Not ready to face the mounds of laundry that are resting on my bed in need of folding, hanging and otherwise putting away, I opted for a cup of Vosges La Parisienne Hot Chocolate with some vanilla bean and a dash of cayenne. Drinking it in my favorite mug, I couldn’t help but wish I was curled up on his couch watching Mad Men with him. Unfortunately, that isn’t happening. Unfortunately, I am sitting in a half renovated messy condo located in a stalled neighborhood of tacos, tacos, two Italian joints, and more tacos. Oh, and a pupuseria. It is for the best that I am not there this evening. I have too many commitments on Monday and must be out of my place by 9:45, at the latest. This all will be easier, when I am closer. At least, the travel back and forth will be easier, the logistics of seeing him, that is. Do I think our situation will be easier, aww, hells no. Can I hope, perhaps. I am realistic though. I think he has some trust issues, some attachment issues. His ex cheated on him multiple times. Not once, not twice, hell, maybe more than three. I know that from what he said, it was just completely out of hand. I can relate to wanting him more available when he is in work mode and feeling pushed aside and compartmentalized, but that doesn’t mean, now that I decided to stop seeing other people and be exclusive, yet still casual, that I would go have a grudge fuck. It wouldn’t make me feel better and ultimately it wouldn’t get me out of my compartment and closer to him. It isn’t always about me, or her or even him. Sometimes it is a symptom of the OCD and he is powerless to it, sometimes it truly just is an unavoidable work load that MUST be dealt with, however, sometimes it is my internalizing and resulting unexpected geyser of insecurity or his inability to see the entire picture after tunnelling on work and so, subsequently, he does things out of such rigid self focus, that I get lost, I am invisible. Are all of these things that can be dealt with? Yeah, sure.  2011 is creeping up fast. Less than 4 months. In roughly 13 weeks, this blog will have its year anniversary. I’m not sure what the story is yet. I have been battling back and forth a manuscript for the novel and I’m unsure, of so many things.

What is the story to you, the readers? Why do you read me, post after post? What do you want to know? What do you wish you knew more about? What is this journey to you?

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I tip my hat to the women of the MadMen era… well dressed and perfectly medicated. I certainly need that help after the way my week has started. Its been raining in the East for days, cool and dreary. Exactly the type of weather that has you wishing for a lover’s bed with a warm body to curl up into until the storm passes. Unfortunately, my calendar had no entries for snuggling and so I set about doing my laundry on Monday morning.

I hate laundromats. With every ounce of my being, I find them to be a blight against my very soul. Nonetheless, they are a necessity. After dropping my laundry in the washers, I ran back to my condo and grabbed my pooch for a quick jaunt down the block and a pee.  She dislikes the rain so much that it isn’t worth taking her out longer than a few minutes at a time on days like this. This plan was quickly derailed however when a offleash male Rottie wandered over. I believe he was younger and truly just wanted to say hi, however, my dog has been jumped before and subsequently, she has some dog aggression issues. The situation quickly turned nasty with the Rottie attaching itself to my girl as I screamed for her to stop responding. They were fueling each others anger. Luckily I was able to get ahold of him as he began to latch onto her ribcage and separate them with my arm span. I never let him think that I wasn’t in charge and kept telling them firmly to sit as I held them apart and regained my wits. Eventually his ears relaxed and he turned and gave his ass to us both, a great sign of submission. I knew that I couldn’t keep standing there with my arms holding both, somehow I needed to get my dog and I back in my condo and animal control to pick up this boy. My girl was not going to relax enough for my to relax my grip on her so I made what could have been a very bad decision and let go of him. I kept sternly telling him to stay as my dog and I backed up the 30 feet to my condo door. Once I put my pup inside I turned and called the rottie to me. He wasn’t a vicious dog per se. He reacted, my girl reacted, it got out of hand. It could have been far worse. I called the police but they wouldn’t do anything so I let the dog go, hoping it wouldn’t get hit by a car or worse, in a fight with the pit bulls down the street that are walked off leash by their white trash owner. In the end, my girl ended up with a cut up paw and some abrasions. One minor puncture wound from where the rottie grabbed her side, but, no need for stitches or vet visits.

I texted Type Geek as I was cleaning up her paw. He suggested I come over tonight after work, regardless of the time. I think I may take him up on the offer. I need a bit of physical intimacy as I am feeling off kilter, off-balance. Connecting with another person physically can have a great grounding effect on the spirit, at least if it is someone you care about. I don’t love him, but I adore him. This whole work-life balance thing of his though, I gotta figure that one out. He leaves for a work meeting in Ohio on Wednesday and chances are good that I may not see him this weekend when he returns. Can I be satisfied with only seeing him 2 or 3 times a month right now?

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