Posts Tagged ‘low sex drive’

This subject became the hot button topic last night among a wide circle of friends. My feelings on open relationships have fluctuated to the area of perhaps it is necessary to have some needs met outside of a marriage, if ALL aren’t being met inside and the relationship is otherwise amazing, to hmm, I don’t think I could handle the emotional and health risks of my partner or myself having an extracurricular partner.

Years ago, when my sex drive was non existent and it created an issue with my partners, who always said, “when you want it Student Driver, it’s REALLY good, you just don’t want it much.” So, I got thumbs up for my performance all the time, BUT, I would rather have bowled most nights. For full disclosure, it was a medically proven low hormone issue that was causing my body to have such ambivalence towards sex. So, in those days, I realized that anyone who loved me, was also potentially subjecting themselves to a life of once a month sex. Definitely NOT enough. I considered it and decided that , at that time, I could understand and would be reasonable to a partner having an outside activity partner if it was only sexual in nature, didn’t interfere with our relationship, and they were safe.

Flash forward to 2011. I have the sex drive of a 19-year-old boy who snorted his dad’s Viagra while attending the Adult Video Awards. I could fuck all the time. Type Geek is lucky, only he doesn’t really get it. To find a woman who is attractive and wants to fuck you 24-7, well buddy, that is a real gift from the universe. Because my super human sexual prowess now, and because he always tells me how good our sex is, I would have a real issue with Type Geek having sex with other people IF he ever officially makes this a real relationship. On the side, is he having sex with anyone else? I don’t think so, at least, not on the more regular basis in which he is with me. Perhaps he has had one or two encounters this year other than me. We haven’t talked about it but we are back to using condoms even though I am on the pill, so I tend to lean towards him having been with someone other than me. Do I consider it unfaithful? Not really. Technically he isn’t my boyfriend. Technically I am not his girlfriend, but I behave as such, because I feel as such.

This post isn’t about Type Geek though. It’s about the bigger question of monogamy. How realistic is it? In the beginning, sure, maybe it is easy. How about after kids or after a decade? After health issues resulting in disability or significant weight gain/loss. Your partner loses their attractiveness, but you still love them. Is monogamy a black and white thing? Can relationships redefine a model of behavior that works for them but isn’t as stringent or as simple as a yes or no? Should a relationship just end, if any of these issues crop up, even if the relationship works on other levels?

What have been your personal experiences with monogamy? I am not asking about outright obvious cheating, but a more complicated type of infidelity, in which perhaps the act is what keeps the marriage together.

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It’s funny, meeting someone in person whom you have been virtual friends with for over a year. Nearly 13 months of sexual tension and in person, we are comfortable pals, yet beyond that, perhaps not much else. Internet Skype boy was having a weekend of bad reactions to some new migraine meds which ironically were causing low drive issues. The irony does not sneak past me here. I wanted a weekend of unbridled carefree fucking after 11 months of loving someone who had low sex drive issues and low interest issues. Nonetheless, we did have sex on Friday night, but the first time you fuck anyone is odd, grooves not found, rhythms not synced, and so I extended my trip one more night, to see whether things could line up more.

In between my first and last night… Parisian Macarons from BisousCiao. in flavors like Sour Cherry, Champagne Cocktails from Bubble Lounge and strolls through the Bowery. Apple Cider from The Union Square Greenmarket, naps on $7,000 couches at The Conran Shop, viewings of Time Bandits, and jokes about how I have lost my NYC street cred after ten years away.

So, how was the sex, second go around? It’s different. It’s not Type Geek. I was detached, yet forced to be present because of the sensation of fucking someone much larger than your previous partner. We fucked, it was fine. It was the punctuation, the ending to my one-sided relationship with a man I loved who couldn’t give anything except the occasional dinner, concert or overnight snuggle. Until there was sex with someone else, there was always just going to be Type Geek in my rearview mirror. After Skype boy and I fucked, after he washed up and went to bed, I laid there. The only night I was unable to relax and sleep. I missed Type Geek, even the small amount that I had him, the small amount that snuck through without him seeing it cozy up to me. I couldn’t help but wonder, has he thought of me at all since he saw me last. Did he ever miss me or was I unable to imprint myself even that much on him. I know it isn’t a reflection on me, it is merely a reflection on him and his bigger deeper issues, but nonetheless, I feel the loss and miss the him that I knew in those dark quiet hours between dusk and dawn.

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