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Posts Tagged ‘fireman’

I have a touch of the uck today. A low-grade fever, stomach that is ever so slightly off, and a general feeling of malaise. Not pleased. I have postponed my date with the young Straight Edge Artist for tomorrow evening, we were going to meet at a contemporary art museum in the evening, because I want to lay in bed and feel healthy for my date with Future Lawyer on Friday night. It isn’t a hot date where we hit the town. I suggested a low-key evening in at his place, some Pho, some Netflix and a solid chance of making out. I asked myself whether I would sleep with him, IF I were getting waxed this week. Potentially, yes. However, it’s only been a week that we’ve really known each other. But, I think I have decided that it is okay to be casually sexual with a couple people at once as long as A) safe sex, and B) no one thinks that sex makes you exclusive. My blueberry soda loving childhood fireman, the Musician/Artist/Assoc Prod is back in town this weekend and we have plans next week to check out a great Italian foreign film and grab a cocktail. I kissed him on a street corner. I want to see if there is a potential for more chemistry there, or if it was a just momentary ambush of lips over judgement. So, these are the things I am mulling about in my feverish mind.

I was looking through some of my old writing tonight as I down my Odwalla C Monster. I came across something from 2008 that I had written after awaking one morning from dreams about the man I had loved so intensely in my early 20’s.

Strange dreams

I woke this morning from a dream that haunted my entire day. I am 34…nearly. I have dated women exclusively for a decade. Prior to that I knew I was attracted to women from the time I was 17. However, I hadn’t realized my ho-hum YAWN feelings towards the men I dated or had…what some elders might refer to as …”relations” with meant that I was gay. It never crossed my mind. Until it did. 
 
Funny that I dream of him. I am gay. To some of you, many of you, you may not understand how a woman can say she is gay but admit relations and a past love for a man. It is simple, you have your preference or leanings and then, if you believe in eastern philosophies at all, well then… it opens the world to confusion. As an eastern follower and someone who believes in reincarnation… how can I say that a soul partner will only come back as a man or a woman or a human for that matter. Now when I say that, a soul partner does not mean a lover per se. We can be blessed in our lives with connections that are unexplainable and wonderous …. we just feel in our bones that these individuals, whether human or animal, have been intertwined with us before. The love I had for that man from a decade ago does still haunt me. I have a photo of him which I shot on one of the first nights we truly saw each other. Perhaps it was even that first night. He said it was the only photo that ever really captured him. When I look at it now it feels as if he looks right into me. Still.
 
I do not dream. At least, I never remember any of my dreams. A handful in 34 years. That is all. I remember one from when I was 14, one from the weeks after my dog passed several years ago, and this one. This dream was about him. The him that sprung into my life, like an odd flat note in a song. At first it seems out-of-place and just wrong… then you keep listening and your ear realizes that the flat note is the unique piece that makes the song.

3 months… secrecy. No one knew. Okay, 4 or 5 people knew. The rest we hid it from because we worked together and didn’t want the drama. We didn’t like each other when we met. I found him twitchy, pale, arrogant in a way that was pedestrian. He thought I was “just a bird”. See, that is what I mean. What white american midwestern male uses the term “bird” as if he’s a self righteous Brit? We dealt with each other. Humored each other’s diatribes until one day when someone mentioned that I followed eastern philosophies as well, that I was Hindu, and with that, he looked as if he had just discovered something new on a road he always traveled, and he mentioned that he was Buddhist. We raised eyebrows at the other and from then on, we began to listen to each other. One night we had a movie and take out night at his apartment… three of us from work. The one with the crush on me grew tired and decided to sleep on the couch. How polite to leave me with the floor. At this point Mr Twitchy and I were finding common ground but still nowhere close to great pals. He was polite enough to offer space in his bed, with no intentions. Seriously, there were no intentions and it was a California King. A HUGE BED. We slept and in the early morning hours we suddenly awoke at the same time, facing each other, our eyes locked. I felt infinite. I knew then that he and I had a connection older than us. We continued to stare at each other until eventually it became an embrace. 3 months.

3 months and then he met a woman in a bar, she pursued him relentlessly and he dumped me unapologetically in a note on my door, days after my birthday. I remember knowing deep down but laying in bed alone and praying for him to “just please not marry her”. Yes, they married. I think they are still married. I am not sure. I moved from that place the following year and while he is in my thoughts, I have not seen him since I left that town.

I have had a fair share of disillusionment, monotony, indifference and settling in my life when it comes to romantic and/or sexual relationships. A few times I have been left feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me. This man came in and out of my life so swiftly and briefly, yet he imbedded himself deep within me. I think about him often, even now. I know that our relationship was not meant to be one of permanence. It was Woody Allen, The Pogues, Bushmills and stouts. Existential dilemmas, dissatisfaction, late night converging on a mutual cynicism and dissatisfaction with the world. For three months though, we loved each other madly and it was us, secretly tucked away from the rest of the world. 

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I woke up with a score of things on my to-do list but realized that I desperately wanted brunch. I haven’t had brunch in months, perhaps even a year. So, I am trolling around and looking for someone to have brunch with, when he pops up on line. Now, the amusing and uh oh moment comes when I realize  AFTER I asked him if he wants to have brunch with me, that I don’t know which guy this is. I panic. I am looking through all the dating sites I use for an email that correlates to his screen name on googlechat. AACK. I have no idea. He calls me when he is 15 minutes from my door and I am hoping he says his name when I answer the phone. No, he doesn’t. I’m scrolling through our googlechat history for some clue. NOTHING. Panic sets in, what if he is someone who I was just talking to out of boredom? What if he is fat and unattractive? Please, just be nice and not smell bad. “It’s only brunch,” I say to myself.

When he arrives I make several notes, nice dependable car, good height, of average build, handsome in an interestingly average but not kind of way. He has a Heath Ledger facial thing. Not a Heath exact appearance but more of a similarity that could put him in the family tree. Relieved. I still didn’t recognize him from any of the profiles yet and was slightly panicked and embarrassed. What if he mentions something and I can’t place him and end up looking like an asshole?

We made our way into the restaurant and as we were sitting down, he mentioned his 6-year-old son. OF COURSE!!! This is the dad who I yelled at for not putting any really clear photos of his face but he did have an adorable one of his son, which made me think that there was no way he could be that bad, with a son that cute. Phew! With that, it all came back. Umm, except his name!!! Ooops! So, we had great conversation throughout brunch. He exhibits an immediate sense of comfort and familiarity that makes you feel at ease and as if you have known him a very long time. Accident prone as a child, he always landed with his face, and provided me a detailed history of his childhood through the various scars. He felt like an old friend, without feeling too friend-like. At bill time I pulled out my card because this WASN’T a date. It was a total spontaneous googlechat invite so that I would have someone to hang out with as I ate my egg covered poutine. Mmmmm, poutine. Only, he wouldn’t let me pay. At all. Ha. So, he took control of the situation and defined it as a date with his actions. Good job Heath’s Cousin!

After we left we decided to walk around a bit and get some fresh air. We walked a couple miles and stopped in a small Tibetan shop that is going out of business. I bought a woodblock for my wall and an antique necklace that was originally $239 but that the owner gave to me for $30. How amazing is that? We talked with the owner of the shop about The Dalai Lama, whom the shop owner has met several times and of course admires greatly.

We were only a black from my favorite café, so I directed us that way for a decaf hot cup of goodness for me and a chai for him, which I discreetly and quickly picked up the tab for as a thank you for brunch. Coffee I can afford. Sushi, not really. My favorite employees were off today and the kids that were working were a combination of hung over and generally exhausted, yet they still could muster the enthusiasm to chat me up a bit and humor me when I asked them,”What up, yo?”. Coming from a mid thirties uber femme white gal who looks far more conventional than she truly is, perhaps is worth a dog eared head tilt.

Heath’s Cousin and I walked back to the car and continued our great conversation on a range of topics and managed to somehow miss our turn early on, causing us a 20 minute delay in getting me home. Perhaps this was his intention, but honestly, I think he’s just a bit directionally challenged. We finally found our way to my condo and sat outside in the car and talked for about 10 more minutes. As I was getting ready to say goodbye, he told me he had something for me. I reacted with a mild dog eared head tilt myself. Apparently, when in the Tibetan store, he bought me a ring with Tibetan symbols on it. He guessed it would probably be too large but he meant it as a gesture of thanks for such a nice afternoon. Honestly, the sweetest guy I have gone out with yet.

Sexual chemistry? Too early to tell. I also have my little crushes on the blueberry soda loving, wanted to be a fireman when he grew up Musician/Writer/Assoc. Prod guy and the Future Lawyer who I almost got arrested for committing indecent acts with in a closed mall. There are also some other men in the pipeline…. so, who knows. This exploration is a day by day adventure and today it ended on a note of sweetness.

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