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Posts Tagged ‘falling in love’

It’s sinister really. The way that human emotions work. When I first met Type Geek, I was less than blown away. He seemed interesting though, and I assumed it would blossom into a friendship, rather than a romance. Jump forward 5 months, almost to the day, and I had a little realization. Perhaps love ISN’T that big feeling of eating too much wasabi at once. Perhaps that rush, the endorphins, the passionate sex in rental cars or curled up on bookstore floors waxing on about metaphysical mumbo jumbo while petting each other, those aren’t love or even falling in love. Those are merely garnish for the meal of life… some curly parsley or a drizzle of a well crafted gastrique. Those garnishes are flat and without merit however if they don’t embrace a meal that has merit. I want meals I eat to unfold in my mouth in waves of discovery. The fat, the salt, the acid, the spice all marrying together and delighting me. SO what if it looks good on paper, if it doesn’t elevate my taste buds, it doesn’t matter how it is presented. Sometimes the presentation is so simple, that you have few, if any expectations, or the ones you have, aren’t that high.

Type Geek is that meal that I can’t seem to grow tired of. Each taste I have had, has unfurled a new mysterious flavor. I savor each one, roll it around in my mouth and try to understand it, name it. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, I can match it. Mostly though, it has been the experience, until lately. The sex has become something I haven’t quite experienced before. I feel safe when I am with him, an experience that hasn’t occured for me before. In the past I have always been the one “in charge” or “in control”. Last week I finally let Type Geek into my head and what is stressing me out, two bottles of wine, tears, great sex and it all came out. The family drama, the financial drama, the life drama. I hadn’t been that vulnerable with anyone in years, if ever, but it felt safe sitting across from him. It felt right. The only thing I didn’t share in my conversation with him is my grey cloud of confusion over “us” and how I am having minor internal freak outs. I am acting like a girl in my head.

I’m jealous. I’m slightly insecure about where I stand with him. I keep saying I don’t want a relationship. Maybe I am lying. Not only to myself, but to all of you, and to him. Maybe in realizing that love is finding someone whom when you are with them, it is the only place you want to be, you realize that being “ready” for a relationship is nonsense. You don’t choose timing, you don’t choose who.

Why is this all sinister? As I alluded to earlier? A sinister type of joke which the universe loves to play on us emotional humans, give us insight as it takes something away. Type Geek and I haven’t spoken in 4 days. I stopped texting because I was busy, but also, I wanted him to put in a bit of effort, to show appreciation for the awesomeness that is I. He hasn’t touched base though. This morning I decided the game was silly, so I texted hello and, a little while later, I left him a voicemail in a super happy tone regarding the Depeche Mode obsession I was on this morning and how, omg, I saw a woman on the train yesterday wearing a 1980’s style denim jacket with a gigantic Megadeth iron-on across the back, and how it made me giggle audibly. I went for breezy, for no big deal, for hey, what up with your bad self. Only, I haven’t heard anything back from him. I think I am getting dumped via silence. The old, “Ignore it and it shall go away”, move. Sigh.

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A couple of nights ago, while feeling particularly bummed out by the current situation, I open my email to this bullshit:

The Five of Chalices card suggests that an element of suffering could be difficult to handle regardless of your ability to walk away from an unhealthy situation. Denial may be worn like a cloak to hide a fear of intimacy or feelings of vulnerability. Face unresolved issues, loss and emotional baggage. A sobering change, failure or good-bye may be inevitable, but you have reason to be grateful as well as disappointed. Taking a chance and confronting the issue could create an opportunity for reconciliation, commitment, marriage or support that has been waiting in the wings. The situation may actually strengthen the bonds in an existing relationship when a devoted partner or reliable alliance stands by your side throughout the ordeal. When you least expect it, you could find yourself happy again. Trust your heart and open yourself to forgiveness and romance.

Yeah Yeah, fuck you and your lessons tarot.com

Today my Tarot.com was even nicer and to the point…

The Devil card suggests that in an effort to satisfy your own longings, you could inadvertently hurt someone else or bring distress to your love life or relationship. Overcompensating for, or attempting to deny repressed personal issues or hang-ups could be blinding you to the consequences. Seeking instant gratification may not bring you any satisfaction, but may be more of a mask to cover past hurt, fear, guilt, secrets or rejection. Don’t be a victim

Ok, listen Tarot.com , I am not trying to be a victim here. Rather than beat around the esoteric bush… spell it out for me Tarot.com, who, what, where, when and why. Oh, maybe a HOW in there to. I am not dwelling, I am merely sad and trying to process that sadness as best as I can and in as healthy a manner as possible. I even tried to go for a run today. 3 miles. I died a little more than half way through and was laughed at by some pre adolescent kids as my dog had to drag my sorry ass home, sweating and heaving, but nonetheless, I did get out there! Speaking of, it is time to wash the funk off me and get ready to do some real work.

What does everyone have planned for their weeks? I have to work every night, so I may not have any posts until the weekend. Cooper Fiennes goes on his romantic getaway with the friend this weekend, I may opt for drinking Thursday – Sunday in order to get through it. Maybe it is awful and they realize, holy shit, what a mistake. I doubt this, although stranger things have happened.

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They are going to Mexico together for a weekend, Cooper Fiennes and his work colleague. Just the two of them. “What happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico”, she told him. Well, what happens in Mexico worries the hell out of me. I KNOW that I told him I was okay with him casually sleeping with her, only, it doesn’t feel like it would be casual. Some of our plans have been canceled lately and then it turns out he was hanging out with the group of them, which includes her. I am starting to feel like that better offer has come along. We used to joke when the other was running a few minutes late that we didn’t get any better offers, that is why we were still there waiting. Sadly, it feels like he doesn’t ask me to do things anymore, or make plans. This last week and a half has been frustrating for me, my realizing that I care more about him than I thought and the realization that he probably cares less. I don’t mean to say he doesn’t care at all about me, but I do feel in my gut that he is falling in love with this woman from work, or at least the idea of her. I can’t do anything about that. I have sat here thinking of how I could fight for him, but really, what is that? What does that get me? In the end, I may not get anything. I don’t think he is on a fence about us, I think emotionally he wants her. I like her, she is cool. I understand the attraction to her person. I may not find her sexy, but I won’t need to sleep with her. Jesus, I don’t know. I guess the lesson here is alcohol is awesome, drink lots and don’t think about Mexico. Sigh.

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