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Posts Tagged ‘creme brulee’

I recently was called vapid and self involved on the Facebook page for the queer site that syndicates me once a week.  They had posted a link to my most recent post and she made her statement in the comments below. I wanted to hold my breath and move on, however I decided to respond. I apologized that I wasn’t talking about the state of the economy, the never-ending war, the housing crisis, politics or the gmo foods we consume without concern. My blog is merely a trail map of my own personal journey.

Re-coming out was, in many ways, more difficult for me psychologically than coming out as Bi as a teen or realizing, in my early 20’s, that I was only attracted to women, subsequently then coming out as a lesbian. I don’t feel like I went back in. I never had issues being a lesbian. Perhaps because I am blessed to be a slim attractive feminine woman in a society that smiles upon that, I never suffered the injustices that some other lesbians have. I didn’t choose to love heels, makeup, long hair, and dresses… it would just be incredibly disingenuous for me to be anyone other than this. One winter I was going through a hard time and opted to go off the grid a bit so I delivered and stacked firewood for the owner of a small composting company. It was all cash under the table and incredibly hard work. A cord of wood is a LOT more than you think, when you have to carry it to a pile and stack it. Some days there were 4 or 5 jobs like this. My point is, my “work boots” had huge thick 2.5″ heels. I wore my hair in pigtail braids and put on mascara and lip gloss at the beginning of my day. It is who I am. I wasn’t a girly girl as a child, nor as a teen, but somewhere in my early 20’s things shifted and I began to find myself. 

My journey into self hasn’t been smooth. I have dealt with a lifetime of anxiety issues from growing up in a family of insanity. I had anger management issues in my teens and 20’s. I suffer from a mild case of body dysmorphia from childhood obesity. Fleeting depression, chronic disorganization resulting in my often sabotaging projects, jobs or relationships, and the myriad of insecurities that just come with being an emotional human being. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? It isn’t though. I’m thankful for being the glorious mess I have been, because it has allowed me to better know myself, to be stronger, to try harder, to find determination in unforseen circumstances, and to run blindly into experience, reminding myself to breathe often, to stop long enough to feel what it is I am experiencing, to remember that I am blessed for having experienced it. The good and the bad. The bad sucks, indeed, but that bad makes the good so glorious. The bad makes me appreciate the 3 hours spent on Type Geeks lap watching South Park and Mad Men, drinking port. The bad makes me appreciate the smell of my dogs paws (it really is a mix of all the grossness that they step in that makes them smell like popcorn, isn’t it?! eww). The bad makes me appreciate the sensation of a piece of smoked sea salt dissolving on my tongue, the aroma of roasted brussel sprouts with truffle oil, a long hot shower and friends that make you laugh til it pains you and then you laugh more, because you just can’t stop.

So, into all of our lives things bad things happen. Some of us are in foreclosure, some are facing homelessness, or are homeless, some are sick, and some will get better, some feel all alone even when surrounded by a room full of “friends and family”. This is life.  However, remember that life is also the wag of a dog’s tail, the glint in a 2 year old’s eye from across a bus or subway train, the way the chocolate feels as it melts in your mouth, the sound of autumn leaves under foot and .. one of my personal favorites, when the temperatures drop so drastically during a snow shower that the top layer is frozen crisp, as if the world is a giant creme brulee. I block out the world and I crunch crunch crunch down the street, through the grass, while cracking the higher crust with my fingers. I love it. I do.

Find the small things you love and be thankful for them. They make the big things, which you don’t love, diminish in size. Happy Thanksgiving.

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Yes, my dear dedicated readers… I went on a date last night. With someone new. With someone different. I know, shudder to think, huh?!

Anyway, we met up around 4, I had an appointment in the area that ended at 3:30 and so we decided to meet in the grassy park area in front of a local coffeehouse. 3:45 turned into 4 and a text message apologizing that a client phoned him soon followed. The dog and I sat drinking our iced green tea, reading a Bark Magazine and time turned into 4:30. Oy, with the waiting. He finally appeared a few minutes later. We decided to get him an iced green tea as well and then take a walk to the river with my pooch. The dog was on full tilt. I often joke that my dog has an illegal meth production lab in my bathroom that she runs when I am gone for the day. She’s a crazy tweaker, but I love her madly. Maybe it’s something less insidious… like a love for espresso, that enables her to maintain this insane energy. He decided to hold her leash, ummm, ha ha ha. She behaves for me on leash, not so much for the boys. To her, boys are meant for playing tug of war. I chuckled watching him try to control her.

So, who is this guy? He’s a professional design geek with a love of typography and sinister imagery. He used to be a rock musician, hence the creepy leanings, but since I have a taxidermied deer leg lamp and Bison skull, who am I to judge? So, we will call him Type Geek. He’s nice. Shorter than what I tend to, and over time I have realized I love having hair to play with, which he doesn’t have either. Grr, with the shaving off of the hair. Oh well.

We sat on the side of the river for a while then decided to go get some adult cocktails. It was nice out, so we decided to sit outside. Slowly the sun started to fade and the night grew cooler. Having the dog meant being unable to move inside so we suffered the cool down with a couple cocktails, some steamed mussels and shiitake mushrooms baked with goat cheese. The dog had a side of anchovies, a few mussels and a crostini, while making friends all over the patio. Conversation flowed easily but it felt more friendly than anything. He gets approached by 50-year-old cougars and I was his first ever internet date. I seem to be a lot of people’s first ever internet dates. Sigh.

I have a couple tentative dates set up with two other guys but rain is predicted. I would rather stay home and organize my house, do laundry and get some things taken care of with work. Does this make me pathetic? I know, I am just not feeling the enthusiasm. It’s hard to get excited for vanilla ice cream when you want creme brulee. Hard to have creme brulee when it’s out of stock.

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