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Posts Tagged ‘autumn’

Can a single week put bigger things into perspective? When what I think is a late night bootie call actually turns out to be a snuggle call? When I think a man is a distraction, only to blink and six months later realize that he might be the main event?

At a red light he asked for smooches. Literally used the word smooch.

Let me back track. Earlier in the week we had discussed seeing each other after I left work. It was a light evening at the restaurant and I assumed that his invitation was like all his others. It would be late, we would get naked, have sex and sleep, we would wake and one of us would make coffee, but I would make breakfast, then he would drive me to the train and we would part ways. This time however, I received a text message that told me I wasn’t getting sex. That we could only snuggle. Snuggle? Really? Well, casual sex is not casual snuggling.

He picked me up from the corner near his house, for days the rain was persistent and fierce, and I was far too cold and tired to walk from the train. In the car something shifted. The first thing I noticed was that he stopped at the entry of his driveway, I paused and realized that he was doing it in order to drop me closer to the front door, so I wouldn’t need to walk in the rain. Later, in the house, we stood in the kitchen and I talked him into having a few bites of chicken salad before bed as I massaged his shoulders and listened to him talk about his day. He talked openly about his stress, his concerns with work and I just listened. We then proceeded to do our respective night-time rituals and met in bedroom in our pajamas. Usually we are naked sleepers, however usually sex is involved. Crawling into bed he chose the outside of the spoon and nuzzled against my neck. We chatted a bit longer and as i realized that, in our exhausted state, we hadn’t smooched, at all, ao, I craned my neck back and demanded one before falling asleep. We changed positions a few times in the night, but in the morning we were still touching in some way. I crawled out to start the coffee and crawled back in, waking him. As the coffee brewed, we talked about random stuff and as I was going to leave to get the coffee he grabbed me and said he needed a few more minutes of snuggling first. Umm, how cute is that? So, it was a super sweet morning, nuzzling was fabulous, my breakfast of pasta pancake, beans and eggs was tasty and coffee was satisfying. I showered quickly and in the hall way, he kissed me and his hands did things they shouldn’t start 5 minutes before one needs to leave, as he whispered in my ear, that if I was available for a shag that night, or the next, I should come over. Oh Type Geek.

So, I guess to sum up this post, which I started days before finishing, Type Geek is starting to become more affectionate in a less casual manner. He’s also doing little things like dropping me closer to doors and opening doors for me, when it isn’t necessary. Cute little things.  It’s sweet.It’s thicker with meaning than my showing up and fucking him, feeding him and leaving. He gave me a few looks last week that were different, more filled with promise, as he pulled me closer and kissed my neck or forehead. A change seems to be in the air, perhaps it is just Autumn, perhaps it is us.

I have scheduled his surprise party for this coming Friday. So, we shall see if the conversation happens organically or if I bring it up.

 

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Type Geek is back in town from his week of flights, meetings and schmoozing for the greater good of his company. Coming down from that whirlwind week and the stress and exhilaration of the whole conference event has left him tattered and a little emotionally raw. He’s straight out depressed. The lack of sunshine in our part of the East Coast isn’t helping either. My weekend had distractions from his absence, but I was disappointed that I didn’t have him next to me on Sunday night. Autumn has hit, full tilt. The nights are colder, and longer, and his bed was where I was hoping to usher in the new week from. However, it didn’t happen that way.

We didn’t spend a lot of time speaking on the phone this weekend, a bit of texting, but that is all. We tend towards text heavy conversation, but I end up missing the sound of his voice. He said something silly at some point that made me cock my head and respond that he is an odd one and makes me scratch my head a lot. His response was that he is not only an odd one, but an iron fortress as well, a combination that surely elicits much head scratching. I told him that I was working with a voodoo locksmith but that finding the right key was difficult, until then, I have been checking ever side door and window for a possible opening. He responded that my voodoo garlic soup now makes sense. I then said, that, ” in all seriousness, I care about you and I wish you could trust a little bit in that, but I am a stubborn girl, and I’ll keep scratching (in reference to head scratching confusion that he causes), with my head tilted like a confused puppy, as long as you’ll let me. All I can hope, is that the winds change direction soon and that you open those doors for some fresh air. I think you are pretty awesome, and worth it.” To which there was many minutes of text silence… followed with a simple thank you. We then had some banter later in the afternoon that included the recognition that I often bring a little bit of magic with me. I heal him with soup, when he asks me for sun… somehow it comes out,  and he has had two raises and one HUGE promotion since meeting me. Does he realize that I am his personal lucky charm?

Sigh, iron fortresses. Sometimes those people are worth the work, the time, the patience. Other times, you invest so much, and they never really let you in past the courtyard of their self-imposed exile. This might take a long time, what is my best position here? How should I help him to open up and trust again? Can I even do it?

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That is what HE said.  Italian Ice. How does that even relate to dating, sex and relationships? Then he explained, with the assistance of a picture text, that “Italian Ice” was his nickname for the Snookie-esque woman who messaged him on OkCupid. I have been searching all weekend for a topic. Nothing too serious, nothing too dramatic, emotional, or emotive. I wanted laugh out loud funny. Instead, I got Italian Ice. Then Type Geek  told me about a karaoke stunt he has yearned to do for years that involves him, some Billy Idol and a stutter. Oh yeah, I definitely want muh-muh-muh more. Actually, I do.

The last several months have been rather difficult for me regarding my business, work, finances and housing. I hadn’t let anyone in on the seriousness of it all, rather, I was grinning and bearing it. However, occasionally it would all just be too much and I’d react to something, or as Type Geek said, I would internalize for only so long and then… POP. Truer statements have never been said. Thursday night was the pinnacle of chaotic ugliness. I was hit with a levy from the IRS and my accounts were frozen. No access to anything for the forseeable future until I could pay off the levy. I went home and laid in the bathtub, unsure of what I was going to do. Facing  a short sale, trying to save money for an apartment and a new bed, eeking by on minimal payments to some agencies while having to ignore others all together; the pressure was suffocating.  Type Geek called while I was in the bath and knew, from the sound of my voice, that things weren’t good. I finally agreed to let him into my head.

An hour and a half later he was picking me up outside my condo and we headed to Whole Foods to grab some food for his house. After some pasta, wine, olives and figs, I finally looked down at the table and started telling him what was going on. I opened up about the last 12 months and everything that had happened to get me to where I was at that moment. I cried, he listened and he gave advice. Solid advice, not douche bag advice. It made me realize how lucky I am to have found him, regardless of what we are.

“Regardless of what we are”. Ok, that is a half truth. Things are getting tricky there. We haven’t been using condoms, I am not on the pill and we are not “exclusive”. I’m not dating anyone else. He is talking to other people. Am I feeling a bit insecure? A little. I know he finds me beautiful, sexy, intelligent, awesome, etc. Yet, there is something keeping him from deciding to just let go. I’m not sure what his situation is exactly. Until I am in a new place and have my head screwed on a bit better, I am not going to press for reasons. I am however, going to have a discussion about our lack of condom usage. As much as I prefer him without, as much as I enjoyed our last sexual encounter immensely, we can’t be taking risks like this. Not with all of these great big questions. Not when I may actually want more and he may not.

I spoke with him a short time ago, he had just woken from a nap, groggy, stressed from his inability to motivate around the multiple client deadlines he has facing him on Monday. He sounded distracted and troubled. I suggested he take a long walk in the newly minted autumn air, clear out the fog, the dust. He agreed so we said our usual ciao and promised to touch base later.

I’m hoping,and actually admitting it, that this might develop into something else. Not yet, but eventually. He may not be what I was originally looking for, but sometimes the thing you didn’t think was great on the hanger, looks better than the rest when it’s wrapped around your body at night.

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