This is the worst it has been. Today. I feel dissected, as if vital pieces were ripped out and my body is trying to compensate without them. I know he will say yes, it makes the most sense. This man, who it took me 36 years to find, through alternate lives, through 12 years of being gay, vegetarian, hindu, goth, and a casual observer to love, even though I had thought I knew what it was, this man that I finally found and discovered that real honest raw love is indescribable but amazing. That the pain in your chest is your heart growing and expanding in such a way that your body can’t keep up, that the aches you feel are like shadows, stretch marks on the walls of your heart from it growing so large, so quickly.
I miss him and he isn’t gone yet.
I went to the ICA today and one of the artists, Doris Salcedo, had a quote near her bio that said ,” When a person disappears, everything becomes impregnated with that persons presence. Every single object as well as every space is a reminder of that person’s absence, as if absence were stronger than presence.”
I feel suffocated by the threat of his absence.