Several times today I have found myself not breathing, I stop and must consciously inhale deeply, but it feels more like gasping, than participating with my body.
For whatever reason, today is hard. I texted him, I couldn’t help it. I just said that I missed him and that I hope he’s well. I do miss him. He didn’t respond. He won’t. I don’t want him to anyway. His twitter says that he is off hiking in Maine.
I don’t feel empty, or heart broken. I feel enraged at the senselessness. I feel enraged that a boy can be so emotionally left behind that one day he becomes a man that can’t love himself and subsequently can’t allow anyone else to love him. His feeling that his only solution is to be alone is what causes me sadness. I love him, I want him to feel the pride in himself that I feel when I look at him, or think of him, or hold him.
Why the breathing issues today, I am not sure. How that correlates, I’m not sure. I’m just having a hard time today wrapping my head around never touching him again. Never holding him. Today is a hard day.