You might know you are a bit of a Bridezilla when you host a surprise wedding party at your uncles 75th birthday and after watching him have a heart attack, flatline for 4 + minutes and be brought back by a defibrillator, your response to the staff of the place hosting the event is, ” so, salads?!” Really? I can understand that people deal with shock and grief in different ways, but for me, an appetite and having a wedding are NOT the ways I do so. I mean, do you really want to always have your wedding mentioned in the same breath as the time your uncle had his heart attack and died for several minutes?!
I have never been that goal orientated in regards to social/cultural milestones. Perhaps because my early milestones were shattered and I didn’t do the get your license, go to prom, graduate and go to college like everyone else that I knew. I moved, a pedestrian with a couple suitcases, I moved to Colorado and lived on the couch of someone I didn’t know while I got some bearings and found a job and a place of my own. Then I became a photographer. Then I became a lesbian, or realized I was, that is. And so, life in Denver was what it was. Beautiful and boring. I moved to NYC.. they blew up towers in my Brooklyn back yard while I photographed it with this girl I had just met. That girl would become my fiance shortly after terrorists blew up two other towers in Manhattan later that summer. Fitting that the relationship would eventually implode as well. She is in L.A. now, married to some other girl, the girls she slept with here. Just an affair she called it. Meaningless. She was a relationship jumper though, leaving one by finding another. That’s what she did when she met me, and that’s what she did when she met her. Someday she will leave her and she will do it on the coat tails of another. Looking back, I can’t imagine my life with her. She held me under water because my breathing scared her. Eventually her chronic suffocation would have killed me.
The wedding though? Crimson red raw silk gowns…that is what I pictured for both of us. Everyone else in white and black… us in red. At the Unitarian Church. In the evening. Candles. I guess I kept a little of that past life as a goth. Until Type Geek, I wasn’t sure how to connect that part of my past with my current life. But his love of goth style imagery, skulls, etc. has reawakened a deeper part of me that makes me laugh. My friends are horrified to find out that I am giving him an animal skull for christmas. It’s something he has wanted for years though, so why should it matter if it is for Christmas or Birthday? It’s a well thought out gift with meaning … that just happens to come from a dead animal.
Now, how do I feel about these milestones? As I have grown older? Is marriage something I consider. I’m not sure. Children? I’m almost 36… they haven’t exactly been something I have been jumping through hoops wanting. Aside from my health concerns regarding childbirth, I’m not sure of the type of parenting I could provide and certainly, at this point, financially I couldn’t provide anything. I love kids, but I have always been of the mindset of loving OTHER people’s kids. I make a great auntie. I would probably make a great step mom. I guess I would have to reconsider all my answers to these questions if someone I loved truly wanted and felt incomplete without one or the other. Are they somewhere I would be comfortable going?
All I can hope is, that if I ever DO get married, no last rites are given at my pre-ceremony reception because of a guests heart attack mid passed hors d’oeuvres. Perhaps I will stick a defibrillator in the trunk of the car, just in case.
p.s. The man lived and was in stable condition, the last everyone heard. The wedding? It went on. Uncomfortably, but it went on. The cake? A few pieces were left and the staff working the party shared the almost dead Uncle’s piece.