It’s sinister really. The way that human emotions work. When I first met Type Geek, I was less than blown away. He seemed interesting though, and I assumed it would blossom into a friendship, rather than a romance. Jump forward 5 months, almost to the day, and I had a little realization. Perhaps love ISN’T that big feeling of eating too much wasabi at once. Perhaps that rush, the endorphins, the passionate sex in rental cars or curled up on bookstore floors waxing on about metaphysical mumbo jumbo while petting each other, those aren’t love or even falling in love. Those are merely garnish for the meal of life… some curly parsley or a drizzle of a well crafted gastrique. Those garnishes are flat and without merit however if they don’t embrace a meal that has merit. I want meals I eat to unfold in my mouth in waves of discovery. The fat, the salt, the acid, the spice all marrying together and delighting me. SO what if it looks good on paper, if it doesn’t elevate my taste buds, it doesn’t matter how it is presented. Sometimes the presentation is so simple, that you have few, if any expectations, or the ones you have, aren’t that high.
Type Geek is that meal that I can’t seem to grow tired of. Each taste I have had, has unfurled a new mysterious flavor. I savor each one, roll it around in my mouth and try to understand it, name it. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, I can match it. Mostly though, it has been the experience, until lately. The sex has become something I haven’t quite experienced before. I feel safe when I am with him, an experience that hasn’t occured for me before. In the past I have always been the one “in charge” or “in control”. Last week I finally let Type Geek into my head and what is stressing me out, two bottles of wine, tears, great sex and it all came out. The family drama, the financial drama, the life drama. I hadn’t been that vulnerable with anyone in years, if ever, but it felt safe sitting across from him. It felt right. The only thing I didn’t share in my conversation with him is my grey cloud of confusion over “us” and how I am having minor internal freak outs. I am acting like a girl in my head.
I’m jealous. I’m slightly insecure about where I stand with him. I keep saying I don’t want a relationship. Maybe I am lying. Not only to myself, but to all of you, and to him. Maybe in realizing that love is finding someone whom when you are with them, it is the only place you want to be, you realize that being “ready” for a relationship is nonsense. You don’t choose timing, you don’t choose who.
Why is this all sinister? As I alluded to earlier? A sinister type of joke which the universe loves to play on us emotional humans, give us insight as it takes something away. Type Geek and I haven’t spoken in 4 days. I stopped texting because I was busy, but also, I wanted him to put in a bit of effort, to show appreciation for the awesomeness that is I. He hasn’t touched base though. This morning I decided the game was silly, so I texted hello and, a little while later, I left him a voicemail in a super happy tone regarding the Depeche Mode obsession I was on this morning and how, omg, I saw a woman on the train yesterday wearing a 1980’s style denim jacket with a gigantic Megadeth iron-on across the back, and how it made me giggle audibly. I went for breezy, for no big deal, for hey, what up with your bad self. Only, I haven’t heard anything back from him. I think I am getting dumped via silence. The old, “Ignore it and it shall go away”, move. Sigh.