I’m watching The Road. The film leaves you unable to consider things other than the greater What If’s in our lives. Who would we die for, who would die for us, are the memories that serve us in times of pain, fear and utter desolation real? Have they adjusted themselves to somehow serve some other purpose? False memories to comfort and soothe in times when we are unsure of everything that surrounds us.
There are moments of loneliness in longer term casual dating. Even in the greatest moments of heat, you are left in a tepid sort of aerial holding pattern. You can never get too lost in someone, but you are ensconced just enough to create the illusion that it is possible.
I have finally shaken off the gut ache that came from the dissolution of my affair with Cooper Fiennes. Do I have love for him? Por supuesto! Of course. I have been thinking a lot about why I found it safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable with the man who was temporary, but have stayed at a distance from the one who is the archetype for boyfriend material; stable, kind, hardworking, dedicated, sweet and gentle. What is so wrong with that? Why does that translate to boring or less desirable? Why is stable and gentle a bad thing? Is it a lack of chemistry with Type Geek or a fear of actually committing to a relationship with a man and what that really means for my identity?
Straight girl? Lesbian? Bi? Queer? Who the fuck is this person I am inhabiting?