Archive for July 25th, 2010

I needed to see him, to start trying to be “normal”. Cooper Fiennes and I met up outside Starbucks and he was fidgety. I had told him that I wanted to talk to him about some things but not yet. That this was just for coffee since I had time to kill in the neighborhood and he was nearby. Yes, I went into the city as an excuse to see him, but I needed to go to Whole Foods and I decided to ring the Turk for a cocktail. No, nothing insidious happened with the Turk.I was going to be in the neighborhood so I thought I would check in.

Anyway, C.F. and I sat in Starbucks and he picked at himself, the skin on his thumbnail, an ingrown hair on his neck, his fingers in general. He was uncomfortable. I called him out on it and he admitted that he was curious what I wanted to talk with him about. I replied that I just wanted to see him, that this friendship is important to me, and as I said this my voice cracked and my eyes got wet so I looked up at the ceiling for a second and just exhaled. I miss him. I continued by saying that it was important for me , for us to try and start being normal. As normal as we can be.

He couldn’t smile around me yesterday. Not at all. That made me sad, I miss that smile and the light that streams from his eyes when he is happy. The whole situation is sad though right now, there is no happiness surrounding it. There are no smiles to be had.

I needed to ask, “Does she finally know everything?” He said,” she’s not stupid”. “But C.F., have you two talked about any of it?”, “no”. I followed that with the question I didn’t want the answer too… ” Are you two dating now?”, “No” he responded. Sigh. Is that the truth? I believe so. I wonder how she would feel knowing what is going on? All of this wondering on his part and planning, in hopes that he can see where it goes with her. Only, they haven’t talked about it. They have never actually talked about their future or any REAL attraction. They have only playfully flirted. So, I was dumped for a what if. Not even an actual replacement, but the hope. Does that hurt even more? I don’t know. I’m just a little achy and raw these days.It feels like something around my heart was expanded and then deflated too quickly to allow my chest to adapt.

I texted him later, thanking him for meeting with me, he replied that for the first time, he feels we might be ok.  I hope this, but as long as in my heart, I have hopes that he will not hook up with her, or that it will be awful, or crash and burn and I will have one more night, then I am not sure. I guess I needed a  goodbye night. A final that I KNEW was the final. I didn’t get that. I had hot sex in a car, but I wanted one more night with him after that. Huge fucking sigh.I know that I am dwelling-ish and moping-ish. I’m trying not to readers. I started my period early and I just want to cry cause he truly put a smile on my face all the times that he was around me. Sigh.

As for the Turk, we had a couple of Dark and Stormies, we chatted, I told him my critique of certain things he does and how they come off… a.k.a the condoms stashed EVERYWHERE and the titty slapping. I hoped I didn’t offend him. Who knows.

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