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Archive for July 20th, 2010

I couldn’t be alone. I knew that my mind would wander, fixate, wander, fixate. Admitting out loud that I have perhaps begun to fall in love with Cooper Fiennes was a difficult thing. There was a moment, a couple of weeks ago. He had fallen asleep as I drove the car. I looked over at him, brushed his face with my hand and realized that there was no coming back. At that moment, I had decided to feel everything that was coming through me. I knew the risks with his co-worker. I knew the potential pain that laid out for me, if the winds shifted. So, when those winds did shift, and the tears flowed, I knew I wanted to be someplace safe, calm and sweet. For this, I feel like a terrible person.

I called Type Geek and told him that I was having a shitty day, that I didn’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t want to be alone. I asked if he would be willing to come pick me up. Even with detours, with construction and an early work call the next morning, he agreed. We curled up in his bed and slept peacefully. I had said that sex didn’t need to be on the table for the evening, in fact, I wasn’t in the mood. Instead, we lay there, naked and pseudo spooning. In the middle of the night I found myself yammering in my head, so I rose and surfed on the internet for a while. An hour later I crawled back into his bed and slept soundly.

Morning sex is one of my favorite things, especially when I have had sex the night before. However, unexpected morning sex is great, even if I hadn’t had sex the night before! I felt better upon waking. I was present and in the moment with Type Geek when the morning pets became longer caresses and then, oh geez, don’t you have to leave for work, oh my, guess we were having sex. Yay. (He doesn’t usually make sex a priority, so even weekday am quickies can be out of the question.) He wanted me on top, I squealed, ” in the light?!”, and threw him on top of me. Wait til I have a better core before you stick me, nude, in daylight. He is stepping it up a little lately, although he did seem a little lazy this particular morning. I headed home an hour later and was great, until I looked at my watch and realized that the time was right around when C.F. heads to work, would I run into him on the train? Thanks brain for taking me there.

This is all incredibly sad and I think that I am beginning to go through those emotions that you do after a loss. Shock (even though I knew), Disbelief (trying to have normal text banter only to realize you are committing emotional hari-kari), and Anger (not at him, but a bigger universal grrrumble).It’s a ride I chose to come on, and I am generally ok, but let me make a recommendation to everyone, Facebook “hide” buttons are your friend during times like this. While out of sight is not out of mind, it is at least helpful in keeping you from being that guy, or girl, or spends 6 hours on Facebook looking through all the new photos your recently ex-paramour just posted.

I digress, my point is… am I the biggest asshole ever for going to Type Geek’s house after getting dumped by Cooper Fiennes? Is that fair to him? I know that in a way, Type Geek is the Student Driver in this scenario, isn’t he? He is the one I would sometimes move plans with to hang with C.F., he was the one who wasn’t first choice.

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